“But when I told you… on the hammock… how I felt…” I omit the word “love” because though I am in love with Jordan, I know admitting his feelings for me last night was a massive step for him. I do not want to scare him off with how deeply my feelings run. When, or if, we use that word between us, I want him to feel ready for it.
Jordan runs his hand across his chin, and all mirth drains from his eyes. When he looks at me, I see a sliver of pain cross his features. “The first day I walked to school our junior year, I had no desire to be there. I didn’t want to start a new life in a new place with new friends. But then I met you, and everything from your openness to your smile to the way you looked with chalk dust all over you—it was like something inside me shifted. And suddenly, all I wanted to do was be with you. But you had just broken up with Ian, and I didn’t want to overstep. Then we just got comfortable being friends, and I didn’t want to ruin our relationship. But at the end of senior year, I felt like things were becoming clearer between us, and thankfully, Missy not-so-subtly hinted at how you felt.”
I put a hand over my face, feeling a blush rise. “Oh, Missy.”
Jordan smiles and reaches for the hand covering my face, gently wrapping it in his. “I was going to tell you how I felt when we got to California. I had planned to take you to Sand Ridge Beach, a place I used to go when I lived there. It reminds me of you.” Jordan looks past me as if envisioning the beach itself. A small smile curves his lips. “If Paige Devons were a beach, she would be that one. I was going to tell you that I didn’t want to be just your friend anymore, that I wanted to date you. But then I found out about my mom’s cancer two days before we graduated. And I knew I wasn’t going to California anymore.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I barely get past the thick lump of emotion in my throat.
“I didn’t say anything to you on the hammock because I didn’t know how. I was scared for my mom. I was uncertain about my future. And I didn’t want to bring you into it. I didn’t want to tie you down. I didn’t want us to become something more, only for you to fly hundreds of miles away and feel stuck to me. You’d have been the freshman girl with the boyfriend who was never around when you should have been having fun and getting out like all the other college students.”
Jordan shakes his head. “But I never should have left you at the hammock without talking things through with you. Instead, like an idiot, I left you and shut myself in Mom’s crafting closet, reminding myself of all the reasons why I shouldn’t find you and tell you how I felt. Then April Barker opened up the closet, thinking it was the bathroom, and I was so in my own head that when she did, I jumped and sliced my arm open on a hobby knife. It was bleeding so badly that April had to wrap her hands around my cut so that it wouldn’t leave a trail of blood on the carpet. By the time I bandaged it up, I saw you, Ji, and Missy from my window as you drove away.”
I put my hands on Jordan’s face and kiss him. My heart is full knowing that Jordan has liked me as long as I’ve liked him, but it also aches knowing how much of each other we’ve missed out on. I pull back, looking at him. “Jordan, I’m just glad we figured it out.”
“Me too.” He strokes a hand down the length of my hair, looking at me like I’m a rare gem he can finally touch and hold.
I snuggle into him as we watch the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen, made infinitely better by the man beside me. “This is absolutely gorgeous.”
“I might not be able to give you a sunrise on a beach.” Jordan trails his thumb up and down my arm. “But hopefully, this is a close second.”
I can feel his guilt coming on strong. He’s trying to overcompensate for what he thinks I’m missing out on, but when I’m with him, right here, I feel nothing is missing at all.
So I hold him tight, letting him know that he’s enough for me. He will always be enough.
Chapter 28
JORDAN
“Got it!” Colton exclaims, watching the small orange flame at the center of the fire pit grow… only to die out moments later. He grumbles. Colton’s the biggest outdoorsman of our group, and tonight, his inability to light a fire is evidence that his mind is elsewhere.
He gives it another two tries before Ji steps in with a fire log and gets a solid flame burning. Colton sulks to his camping chair and flops into it.
It’s Colton’s last night in Colorado before he heads back to Yale. His one request was to have a bonfire with our friend group before he leaves. On any other night, Colton would be bolstered by the outdoors, but not tonight. He’s not exactly excited to goback to law school. Not when it means he’s one step closer to walking in his dad’s political shoes.
The fire begins to dance and crackle as it increases in volume, staving off the unusually chilly night that reminds us all that fall is just around the corner. Ji crouches by the fire, poking at logs with a long stick, as Missy pulls her phone out and says, “Alright, y’all, look like we’re not freezing our butts off,” before snapping a selfie of all of us.
Paige shuffles toward me. So many layers of blankets are draped around her shoulders that she’s like a human lasagna. When she stands in front of me, she gives me the most adorable smile before burying her pink nose in my neck.
“Ah, your nose is freezing,” I say, drawing back.
“I know. Warm it up, please?” She’s all doe-eyed, and I doubt there is anything I wouldn’t do for her when she looks at me that way.
I open the blanket around my shoulders to encircle her and her many layers. “Fine,” I grumble, but can’t resist a smile when she nuzzles into me again like she’s Cabby Cat.
“So much better,” she sighs into me.
“Ack, you guys are sickeningly sweet,” Ji says, standing up from the fire and sitting in the camping chair beside Colton.
Paige turns in my arms so she’s facing everyone. She leans against my chest, and I continue to encircle her, holding the hand that peeks outside of her blankets.
“I guess we’re lucky this didn’t happen in high school, or else we’d have endured seven years of their mush,” Colton says.
“Oh please, let’s not forget your relationship with Cami D.,” I tease.
Everyone groans.
Cami D. was Colton’s girlfriend for six unbearable months during our junior year of high school. She had the clinginess of plastic wrap with all the appeal of a ringworm.
