Now I know. It was the only thing Jordan could do to make up for what he thinks he’s done wrong.
Every cell in my body yearns to comfort him, to take away the anguish in his eyes. Right now is about the time where I question whether he would welcome physical affection, but boundaries be hanged. Jordan is my best friend. I tug his hand from the railing, pulling him from his stupor, and wrap my arms around his waist.
His arms fold gently around me at first, then they tighten around my shoulders, and his weight transfers to me, not so much in a physical sense but an emotional one. In telling me these things, Jordan is letting me take on some of the burden that I’ve so desperately wanted to carry for him.
He buries his head into my hair, and I close my eyes, feeling his heart beating through his suit coat. “It was my fault, Paige. I’m the reason it got so bad. If she didn’t have to have chemotherapy, she wouldn’t have neuropathy. Something she might struggle with for life.”
My heart aches, knowing just how much he’s let his guilt torture himself for so many years. “Jordan,” I whisper. “You didn’t know.”
He steps back from me into the shadowed alcove of the terrace and rubs his hands down his face. “Paige, I guilted her into that assembly. She was reluctant to change her appointment, and I made her feel like a bad parent if she didn’t go.”
“Have you ever talked to your mom about this?”
Jordan stares out into the city lights, shaking his head. “No. I don’t want to hurt her even more than I already have.”
“I don’t think you would, Jordan.”
“If I tell my mom that I feel guilt for what I’ve done,she’llfeel responsible. She’ll think that she caused me to feel bad because of her illness.” Jordan laughs bitterly. “That’s just the way we Millers work. The only thing that could come from talking to mymom about this would be more pain. Something she already has too much of.”
“Jordan.” I step closer and reach my hand to his cheek.
For a moment, he shuts his eyes, leaning into my touch, but too quickly, he pulls away, frustrated lines appearing between his eyebrows.
“No, Paige, I can’t.” His voice breaks.
“You can’t what?” I ask.
He blows out an aggravated breath. “I can’t leave my mom.”
My brows furrow. “Why would you ever have to leave her, Jordan?”
“Because…” He scrubs a hand through his hair, his movements restless and fidgety. “I just…” He starts and stops the same sentence twice.
I have no doubt he’s at war with himself. “Because what?”
My words seem to jolt Jordan out of his restless struggle. He stops moving and looks directly at me, his eyes blazing with an intensity that makes my skin prickle with heat. “Because if things were different, Paige… I’d follow you anywhere. Not just because you’re my friend but because you’re more than that to me. So much more.” He laces his fingers atop his head and stares up into the night, as if all the stars in the sky might keep him from saying what he’s been holding back.
A moment later, his arms drop, and so do his reservations. Jordan looks at me with a longing that makes my heart pound wildly inside my chest. “You’re all I think about, Paige. When I’m away from you, I wonder what you’re doing. When you smile, I wonder how to make it happen again. When I’m near you, I want to be closer.” Jordan stretches out his hand, cupping my cheek. “Paige, you’re all I want.”
I can hardly breathe.
Those long-awaited words tug at my heart so forcefully that I nearly trip over my dress as I step toward him and clutch hisopen suit coat, hoping it will ground me as I process Jordan’s words.
I look into his golden-brown eyes. “Do you think I wouldn’t do the same? Do you think I wouldn’t follow you?”
“Paige.” My name sounds delicate on his lips. His warm hand skims across the dimple in my cheek, his touch soft and fragile. “I already held my mom back. I won’t do the same to you. If you go to California… I can’t. And I don’t want to keep you from your dreams.”
He tries to push me away with his words, but they only draw us closer together. He leans his forehead against mine, and I can feel his barriers begin to crumble. “I can’t give you sunrises on a beach. Or teach you how to surf.”
“And if I don’t care about that? If I want to stay here with you?”
Jordan pulls away, shaking his head. “Paige, no.”
“After college, before I came back to Colorado, I applied to several internships in California. And I had two great offers. But I came back here because I wanted to be with you.”
Jordan goes still, but something in his eyes softens.
“You were worth it then, and you are worth it now, Jordan Miller.”
