Once again, she has her eyes closed. “Please don’t leave me.”
If I hadn’t already decided to stay until Ji gets here, my resolve to make this visit quick would have crumbled at those words. I grasp her fingers more firmly between mine. “I won’t leave you until I absolutely have to,” I say, well aware of the double meaning. “I’m just going to make you some honey-lemon tea in the kitchen, and I’ll be back.”
Paige hums her assent.
When I return with a bowl and some herbal tea, I find that Paige has scooted her body onto two cushions, leaving the third one for me. Her body is curved at an odd angle.
“Paige, you can use the whole couch. I’m not the sick one here.”
“Yeah, but you’re warm. I love warm things.” More shivers run through her, and I pop onto the couch beside her. Out of pure instinct, I gently lift Paige’s head and rest it on my lap. I am fully aware of the pain I’m inflicting on myself right now, but when Paige snuggles into me and her expression transforms from pained to content, it’s all worth it.
A few minutes later, a buzzing on the side table next to the couch makes Paige stir. I pick up Paige’s phone, and Ian’s name appears at the top.
I consider putting the phone on silent and pretending only Paige and I exist in this moment, but I don’t. I made a promise to myself.I will not interfere.I pass Paige her phone. “Ian.”
Paige lifts her head minutely off my lap and pokes her hand out the top of her blanket. She slaps the phone to her cheek then plops her head back down on my leg.
“Hello,” she croaks.
Ian’s voice is nothing but tiny gurgles from Paige’s phone. Paige occasionally responds, and at one point, she laughs a little. I fight against my white-hot jealousy, knowing that Ian could be the one who gets to hear that laugh forever.
A minute or two later, the phone call ends, and she pushes her phone off the couch and snuggles further into my lap.
“Is Ian planning on stopping by?” Yes, I am being nosy. But I also want to know that he’s taking good care of Paige.
“Sort of.” Paige sighs. “He says if he sees me throw up, he’ll throw up. But he’s going to leave some books on the porch for me this afternoon so I can read them while I’m sick. I bet you a hundred bucks they’re books we used to read together in high school.” Her dazed tone is tinged with annoyance.
I’ve known plenty of people who don’t do well around bodily fluids, so I can’t hold that against Ian, but I’m glad he’s making it up to her with a nice gesture. But something in the way she said that last sentence makes me wonder if she’s second-guessing things between her and Ian. I stop my curiosity from prying further and tell myself Paige’s business is none of mine. I don’t need to know.
I glance down at her. She seems more awake now. “Shh. Try to sleep.” I run a finger across her eyelids.
Paige laughs groggily. “I can’t sleep now. Not after you poked my eyelids.”
I chuckle. “I was trying to be soothing.”
“Soothing… like when we held hands,” Paige slurs, eyes heavy.
She is obviously out of it, but that doesn’t stop my whole body from tensing at her words. We both knew we held hands, but Paige saying it out loud makes it feel dangerously real. And it takes all I have not to reach for her hand once more.
“I have an idea. How about you close your eyes, and I’ll sing you a song.” I clear my voice before starting an inspiring rendition of Eiffel 65’s “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” in my falsetto.
Paige’s arm snakes out of her blanket and smacks me in the chest. “No. Anything but that song.”
I laugh. “Do you want to finishYou’ve Got Mail?”
“Yes, please. But can we go back to the part where she’s sick, and Tom Hanks comes to her apartment?”
That makes me smile. “Are we hoping a young Tom Hanks will come over tonight and make everything better?”
She hums and readjusts her head. “Something like that.”
Paige’s eyes flutter open and closed throughout the movie as she fights sleep, but her continuous tremors do a thorough job of keeping her awake. Eventually, I give in to the magnetic pull of Paige, and I brush my fingers through her chocolate-brown hair until her breathing slows into the steady rhythm of sleep.
Soon after, Cabby Cat jumps onto my leg, settling right next to Paige’s head. I alternate stroking Cabby’s fur and Paige’s hair while relishing the warmth of this moment. This is what I want. Suddenly, I want to forget my promise. If the look I saw in Paige’s eyes on Friday night was real, and if she really feels the same way I do, then I want it. I want a thousand more moments like this—the two of us snuggled together with Cabby as we watch a movie.
But how would we ever make that work? I can’t leave Mom. And if I told Paige about my anxieties with my momandmy feelings for Paige, and somehow Paige decided to stay in Colorado for me, then I would take her away from her dreams. I couldn't live with that. She’s never wanted to live in Coloradopermanently. From the moment I first met her, Paige made that clear. And now that she’s so close to getting her dream job at Z3, how could I stand between her and the future she’s envisioned for so long? I’ve looked at every possibility, and no matter which choice I make, Paige gets shortchanged. But if there were a way…
For the next thirty minutes, I get tangled in my thoughts as I continue watchingYou’ve Got Mailwith my two sleeping girls on my lap. Paige’s favorite part comes up, and I watch as Joe Fox risks it all and tells Kathleen Kelly that if only… if only things were different… then maybe they would have been together.
