He called me, and I didn’t answer.
I watched it ring out, and then watched as the voicemail notification lit up my screen and minute later. It took me a week to listen to the voicemail, and the silence of it killed me.
But then he spoke.
One singular word.
But that one singular word gave me just enough hope.
Johnny Davis is still thinking about me, he cares. Some part of him, no matter how small, still wants me in his life.
At least, enough to call me.
Because that’s what that call meant, right? That he cares? That everything that happened between us wasn’t just some fluke or a figment of my imagination?
I was angry, so fucking angry at him because he put someone else above me. He chose someone else when he knew I needed him, when he knew that was the one thing everyone had always done.
I’ve never been the first choice.
But eventually that anger faded, I realized how much I needed him in my life, and now I just miss him.
I miss Johnny Davis more than I can put into words.
The thought that I’m never going to see or speak to him again breaks my heart. I can’t imagine him not being here for the big stuff, like graduation.
This whole thing has sucked, like royal fucking sucked, but whoever has been leaving me letters has returned. They’re showing up everywhere now, after weeks of radio silence, I guess they saw how much I needed them again. I’ve gotten at least two every day for the last few days.
I feel seen again.
But not by who I want.
“Earth to Sasha,” Lucas laughs, waving a hand in front of my face. “Everything okay?”
I turn to him, “sorry, I was just thinking.”
He taps his fingers against the steering wheel. “The girls want you to come over for a movie tonight,” I stiffen. “Don’t worry, Davis won’t be there. Me and the guys are going to the bar with the team, one last hurrah before we have to crack down and focus on championships.”
My shoulders relax and I take a deep breath. “As long as you shoot me a text when you’re on your way home, I’ll do it.”
He smiles sadly, “would it be so bad if you two saw one another? Maybe you could talk things out.”
“No,” I shake my head, “I don’t think we can. I miss him so much, but I can’t forget what he did. He chose heroverme, Lucas. He walked out my door knowing what it would do to me.”
I have to be strong, I need to do this for myself, no matter how much it hurts.
“I’m tired of being walked all over, I’m tired of being pushed aside and people thinking I’ll forgive them because I’m too nice.”
Lucas stares out the windshield, “now I know how everyone else felt watching Claire and I.”
“What?”
“When Claire and I were still trying to figure out what the hell was going on between the two of us, everyone said it was painfully obvious and very painful to watch. You and Davis are in the same boat now,” he spares me a glance, “the two of you are clearly made for each other, you’re just too stubborn to admit it.”
Glaring, I lean my head against the window and watch the trees move past us. “It’s not stubborn to stand up for yourself. I’ve never put myself first, but this time is different.”
I don’t want to live the rest of my life wondering if I’ll be left behind during important parts of life. If he can leave, just like that, without any kind of hesitation, then why would I believe he wouldn’t do it again?
This isn’t as easy as everyone thinks. Leaving him behind, moving on in my life? It’s hard.
