Claire smiles sloppily, “shots!”
april
twenty-five
SASHA
Fifty-two days.
That’s how long it’s been since Johnny Davis left my bedroom.
It feels like it’s been longer than that.
Loneliness greeted me like an old friend the second he walked out my front door. It was weirdly familiar, but not the kind of familiar I want.
I got comfortable with the idea of him sticking around.
That was really dumb of me.
After a couple of days, Claire reached out, asking if I wanted to get coffee. I told her no. The last thing I wanted to do was hang out with the girl my...whateverhe was, ditched me for.
Only two other people ended up texting me, Lucas and Steph. Lucas was acting like nothing happened, like he had no idea that Johnny and I ended, and it was kind of nice. He was just being a friend,myfriend.
Steph apologized for the breakup —if you could evencall it that— and told me it didn’t change anything for her. Her words were appreciated, but I needed some time to process.
Staying friends with these people felt like a betrayal, they were his friends first, and after the way we left things, it felt wrong to keep them in my life.
But they’re nothing if not persistent.
They wore me down.
The ache to be seen and loved won. I craved affection more than I craved to do the right thing, because leaving them behindwouldhave been the right thing.
Two weeks after everything happened, I met Claire and Steph on campus. It was weird at first, but only for a second, and then it felt like nothing had happened at all. They didn’t mention the breakup, didn’t ask any questions, and I wasn’t going to provide any answers.
It’s almost like Johnny and I never met.
He was gone from my life without a trace.
But he wasn’t. He was —and still is—everywhere.
He’s in my bedroom, I feel him there every time I lay in bed or sit in my bay window.
He’s on campus, both literally and figuratively. I see flashes of him in class, but he sits on the opposite side of the hall now. I think of him every time I pass that stupid bench, knowing exactly how I felt the first time he spoke to me.
I forgot how much it fucking sucks not having him in my life.
But he made his choice.
And I’m tired of being walked all over.
I’m important too.
His number still sits on my phone, our conversations saved in a chat I don’t think will ever be used again.
I re-read our conversations, trying to figure out why I would let someone who made me feel so good just walk out of my life. But every time he posts a picture of himself with Claire on social media… I remember.
Claire slides into the booth next to me at Estellas, Steph taking a seat across from us.
