None of them had any idea how bad things have been for him, he never told them. He kept this secret every day, and all of a sudden he’s found the strength to tell them the truth.
Maybe Claire’s right. Maybe I am the reason why he’s finally opening up.
But that would mean things are a lot more serious than I thought, and that’s really scary.
Big feelings mean big hurt if it all goes wrong, and as much as I want to believe that this is forever, I can’t help but prepare for when it gets snatched away from me.
If I’m always expecting to get hurt, then it can’t hurt.
If I’m prepared to have my heart broken, then it can’t possibly be the thing that breaks me.
Jurian’s death was a surprise, Nathan’s true nature was a surprise, and both of those things nearly swallowed me whole.
Losing Johnny would be the final straw.
“He would have told them eventually, they would have noticed eventually,” I tell her.
She shakes her head, “they had four years to notice.”
The cold February night air nips at my cheeks while I walk down the street with Claire and Steph.
These people understand me in a way that only Jurian did, in a way that I thought I would never feel again. They know when to push and when to hold back, they know there’s things I can’t explain to them, and they’re okay with that.
“So about that story…” I say.
Claire smiles, shoving her hands in her jacket pocket. “Which one? The one where I failed miserably at confronting my feelings for Lucas or the one where I own the hockey arena?”
Steph snorts, “failed miserably is such bullshit. You got the guy in the end.”
“I want to know about you,” I tell Claire, then turn to Steph. “Both of you actually.”
Cars whiz past us, bright lights blinding me temporarily. They’re filled with people going on about their lives, going places to see someone special, or jamming out to music with their friends.
It makes me miss the freedom I felt every time I got into the driver’s seat.
I miss being able to go anywhere I want, listening to music with the windows down, and feeling like I could forget how invisible I felt every day.
But I’m not invisible anymore. I have friends. I have people who want to be in my life and learn about me, and do things with me.
I’m not alone anymore.
“Sasha, I want you to understand that what I’m about to tell you is something that very few people know, and while I’m not ashamed of my past, I don’t exactly broadcast it to the world every chance I get.”Claire’s voice has a hard edge to it, one I’ve never heard before. But I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s trusting me, and I’m not entirely sure I deserve to be.
While I know her and Johnny are just friends, there’s still a little part of me that feels gutted when I see them together.
There’s so much more to their friendship, so much more to what’s going on between them than I think anyone knows.
“I understand.”
Steph turns down a path, one leading towards a park. She pulls her phone out of her pocket while gesturing towards a bench. “I’m gonna call my mom, you guys let me know when you’re ready to go.”
As she walks off, I feel the tension radiating off of Claire. She’s nervous, and based on the introduction to what she’s about to tell me, I don’t think I blame her.
“I grew up very privileged, and because of that, people tend to think that I shouldn’t have anything to complain about… and while I’m very thankful for the opportunities I had, I also think I should be able to talk about the dark side of that privilege.”
My heart sinks, not because I feel pity for her —I’m sure that’s the last thing she wants— but because I judged her and assumed her life was perfect.
Her lips form a tight line, “I know that face. You’re trying not to feel bad for me.”
