She scrolls through the long list of songs until she finds the one she’s searching for and cranks my volume up full blast. Her fingers twitch towards the button that rolls down the windows, hesitation slowing her movements, so I do it for her.
Wind whips through the car, and a loud laugh escapes her lips, her smile is wider than I’ve ever seen it, a calm taking over while her body finally relaxes a little. “I forgot how much I loved this feeling,” she screams.
The sound of Taylor Swift comes floating through my speakers, the familiar beat ofNew Romanticsfeeling like a warm hug from an old friend.
I never really told anyone —well, anyone except for Claire— about my secret love for anything and everything Taylor Swift. I’m a total sucker for her music.
Sasha follows along with the lyrics, but as soon as the chorus comes on, we’re both singing at the top of our lungs. Everything seems to slow in this moment, this perfect, amazing, loud moment where it’s just her and I.
For a second, I forget about all our problems, forget that she’s hurting, forget that I’m doing all this to help her, andjust enjoy the few minutes I get her alone in her rawest state.
Thisis the Sasha I’ve gotten to know.
Thisis the Sasha I love spending time with.
She’s mesmerizing, every part of her. It would be easy to tell people about her outer beauty, the way her short hair always falls perfectly around her face, or how bright her eyes get when we talk about something she loves… but that’s not why I’m so captivated. Her mind is a library of knowledge, she always has something intelligent to say, some comment on any topic that makes me wonder how one person could know so much. She views the world in a way that few can, and even though it’s beat her down and she believes the worst in herself, it hasn’t stopped her from believing in other people.
Every part of her is like a breath of fresh air, and in this moment, this exact moment, I feel like the cracks on the ice are finally starting to solidify. I’m finding my footing, and it’s all thanks to the girl sitting next to me.
Sasha turns towards me, her jaw dropping, as she watches me sing every word. I know them by heart, I have them memorized, they’re burned into my mind.
For a single second, I think she might judge me, but then I remember who I’m with, and the pure joy radiating from her brings me a sense of peace.
God, I love this woman.
Shit. Iloveher.
“You knowTaylor Swift?” She turns the volume down.
I smirk, “there’s lots you don’t know about me, Sasha Price. I’m very deep.”
Her laugh is like music to my ears, and if it was the only thing I’d hear for the rest of my life, well, I’d die a happy man.
The guys sit around me in the living room, waiting for me to say something. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to say.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Miller offers.
August presses his lips together, “Seriously man, if it’s too much, we can leave it for another day.”
“No, I need to stop hiding from it,” I admit.
I’ve spent the last four years with these guys, hiding everything from them because I was too scared they’d leave me like my dad did.
This whole thing can be a little much for people, and I honestly wouldn’t blame any of them if they did leave.
“I’ve been depressed all my life,” I begin. “It’s just always been this dark cloud hanging around, and I guess it was too much for my dad to handle. He walked out on my mom because of me, and because of that, I’ve been too afraid to tell anyone in case they do the same.”
Blair looks up at the ceiling, resting his head on the back of the couch, “you’re an idiot if you think we’d ever drop you because of something like that.”
I shrug. “I know that now, but it was hard to convince myself otherwise.”
The little demons inside my head like to whisper nasty things in my ears, telling me that no one could ever love me, that no one truly cares for me… that I’m worthless.
It’s hard to ignore them.
They’re soloud.
“Anyway, it got really bad a couple years ago, and I triedto take my own life. My mom flipped, obviously, and sent me away to get some much-needed help. It didn’t heal me, but it did help a little.”
