He runs the red light.
A car skids to a stop seconds before hitting ours.
“No!” My voice cracks from the sheer volume that I’m screaming at, but nothing is getting through to him.
He’s not listening to a word I’m saying, doesn’t have a care in the world that we could have just died.
That’s when I feel it.
The undertow calling my name.
And after months of being too afraid of its call, I finally let the rushing waters take me. They drag me under, into a world of calm, into a world of silence.
When Lucas finally pulls over on the side of the road, I feel all the emotions I was holding back crash into me at once.
I can’t seem to catch my breath, everything around me starts to blur as I fight whatever this feeling is inside my chest. My body shakes, it’s uncontrollable, it’s terrifying, it’s overwhelming.
Lucas slams his fist against the steering wheel.
“Fuck!” He yells.
I scramble out of the car, rushing to the side of the road and falling to my knees in the tall grass. Clutching mychest, I try to get myself to calm down, I try to breathe, but my body won’t let me. It’s fighting me on the one basic instinct I’ve never had to think about, and in this moment I think I might die from the tightness in my chest.
It hurts so bad.
The physical and emotional pain radiating through my body is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.
For a second, I think I hear cars pull up behind me, but I can’t force myself out of this long enough to check.
Everything is coming crashing down around me, my whole world is falling apart and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
Maybe this is finally it. Maybe this is the moment when I finally get to join my brother and forget that this horrible thing ever happened. This is my karma for killing the only person I truly had in this world.
I thought I had the others, but after today, I’m not sure I’ll have them for much longer. Claire says she forgives me for what happened with Nathan, but how much longer can she keep that act up? I’m sure she hates me, sure she blames me, and eventually she’ll realize that I’m not a good person.
A good person wouldn’t have let him do that, a good person wouldn’t have killed her brother and his best friend, a good person wouldn’t feel like this… right?
My eyes clench shut, my mind and body in a silent war over who will win. Instinct tells me to live, to survive, but grief fights to pull me under and let me drown.
I want to drown.
I deserve to drown.
A soft hand lands on my shoulder, snapping me out of my spiral just long enough to get me to open my eyes.
Claire is kneeling in the grass next to me.
Why is she here?
Her bright blue eyes are like a lifeline, one that I hold onto for dear life. “Sasha, you’re okay,” she tells me.
“Make. It. Stop.” I choke out between breaths.
“I think you’re having a panic attack. I need you to focus on me for a second so I can help you, okay?”
Wordlessly, I nod my head.
She takes my hand, placing it on her chest so I can feel her heart beat, feel every breath she takes.
