I mean it when I say that, she shouldn’t have to keep talking about them, or feel like the most interesting thing about her is her family… because it’s not.
“They would force me to head in separately from them,” she continues, “and it hurt at first, but eventually I was thankful for it. When I decided that I didn’t want to be associated with Chris for the rest of my life, it made it easier. There were a couple of photos from when we were younger, but we both looked so different then, you’d have to really dig to find them, and there were enough pictures of Chris floating around already that the media didn’t need to dig to find anything. No one could ever make the connection by looking up my name, for all they knew it was Claire Loyola, and looking up Chris’s name would only bring up photos of him, mostly hockey-related things or events he would go to with the team.”
I can’t imagine how she must have felt, the kind of invisible no one should ever have to endure was basically her entire childhood.
The two people who were supposed to protect her, lether down in so many ways that I don’t think I can count them all.
“Everything that happened to me hurt, and I’m still learning how to cope with it all, but knowing I have all of you makes it just a little bit easier.” Claire throws her arms around me, holding me tight before whispering, “you’re turn.”
With a deep breath, I hold up my end of the bargain. “My mom has always worried about me, but after my dad left, she was dead set on making sure that I was going to be okay. I felt so bad that all of my problems had been dumped on her, and that she was trying to figure everything out on her own, that I started to pretend like I was getting better.”
I had always downplayed my depression, never wanting to talk about it or let anyone know how bad it really was, but after my dad decided I wasn’t worth sticking around for… it got so much worse.
“When I came to Livler, I thought it was time to reinvent myself. I didn’t want anyone knowing how fucked up in the head I was, so I created this wholeI don’t give a fuck about anythingpersona, all the while I was getting worse and worse.”
Claire’s hands wrap around mine, squeezing so tight I start to think that I’m going to lose blood flow. But she just nods, encouraging me to continue.
“Like I told you before, I never told any of the guys why I was out for so long a couple of years ago. I didn’t want to burden them, so I lied and said I was really sick.” A dry laugh escapes my lips, “I guess that wasn’t a complete lie, I was really sick, just not in the way they thought.”
They fussed over me like mother hens when I got back. Miller was the worst of them, he barely left my side while I rotted away in bed. The man literally was spooning chickennoodle soup into my mouth while telling me I was doing such a good job.
If I hadn’t been so fucking depressed, I would have told him to go fuck himself, but it felt good knowing my friends cared about me.
“I used to play this game when I was a kid,” I tell her. “I would see how fast I could put on a happy face by flicking the light switch on and off. One second I would be sobbing, and the next I would be smiling like nothing happened.” I’ve never told anyone that before, but I know that Claire is the right person to confide in. “I still do it sometimes. I mean, I don’t physically flip a switch or anything, but I still tell myself to turn it on when I leave my room, or walk into a house full of people.”
Tears burn the back of my eyes, but I force them back.
“I feel so lonely, but I can’t bring myself to make the leap of faith.”
“You know you can tell them, right? They’d want to know, want to be there for you,” she reassures.
I smile at her, “I will —one day. I just don’t know how I would bring it up to them.”
“And until then, I’ll be here for you. Every step of the way, okay?”
“And I’m here for you. This next week is going to be hard, but you’ve gotten through it before, you can get through it again.”
“You headed to meet Sasha?” She asks, changing the topic.
“Not today.”
Her lips quirk up into a smirk, “I like her, she’s good for you. I like seeing you happy, it’s refreshing.”
I like seeing myself happy, too.
Lucas walks up next to us, wrapping an arm aroundClaire’s shoulders and leaning down to place a soft kiss on her lips. “Don’t you have your own girlfriend to bug now?”
Claire gives him a light shove, “you aresonot funny.”
He smirks at her, “and yet you’re still with me.”
Watching them finally together —and happy— brings a warmth to my chest. I’m glad they finally found each other, and seeing how well they balance one another out gives me hope for what Sasha and I could have.
I would never admit it to either of them, but they’re a pretty damn good couple. It may have started out rocky, but they figured their shit out and got to where they need to be.
sixteen
SASHA
