“How do I get her to open up to me? I know she wants to talk about it, to talk to someone, but she won’t let herself.” The irritation claws at my chest, not irritation with her, just irritation that she doesn’t trust me.
Claire snorts, “you don’t. You have to give her time, Davis. She’s probably hurting, and even though you’re there for her, she doesn’t know if you’re gonna leave her yet.”
“But I wouldn’t.”
“She doesn’t know that.”
I guess Claire’s right, she doesn’t know that. I haven’t been around her long enough for her to realize I’m not going anywhere.
I can’t go anywhere.
I’m stuck in her orbit.
eleven
SASHA
Johnny almost kissed me.
I almost let him.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I shouldn’t have let him get that close, I should have pulled back and stopped it from happening. Shit, if my mom hadn’t come in then I totally would have let him.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I mutter aloud, dropping my head into my hands.
This whole thing is so dumb, and I can’t seem to wrap my head around why he tried to kiss me. Sure, he’s flirty and sometimes I get that vibe from him, but he’s like that with everyone.
Besides, he is a notorious whore. That’s a little mean, but it’s true... he’s slept with a ridiculous number of girls. I’d probably just be another notch on his belt, nothing special, no one special.
Being another random girl he hooks up with is almost worse than being nothing to him at all.
But what if he actually does like me?
Jesus Christ, I need to get my head screwed on straight.
“Something on your mind, Chiclet?”
My father’s voice snaps me out of the mental battle I’m fighting and sends me into a whole other one. It’s been months since the accident, and he still isn’t able to look at me longer than a couple of seconds, let alone hold a decent conversation with me.
“No, I’m okay, Papa” I lie.
His eyes crease for a fraction of a second before he turns his gaze away from me, but he surprises me when he walks into my room instead of continuing down the hall. “I know when my daughter is lying, so how about you get whatever it is that’s bothering you off your chest.”
I don’t really know how to react, both because my father is actually talking to me, and because I don’t know how to talk tohim.
When Jurian died, I didn’t just lose him, I also lost whatever relationship I had with the rest of my family. I lost my only support system and was left to face my grief all by myself. I became invisible to the only people whosawme.
Part of me hates my father for how he reacted, but the other part of me doesn’t blame him.
“What do you wanna hear about first?” I chuckle dryly. “We could talk about how much I hate myself for killing Ian and J, or what about you blaming me? Oh! Here’s a fun one, we could talk about the fact that the only guy I’ve ever really liked tried to kiss me, but I’m pushing him away because I’m too scared to let anyone in.”
Maybe I should go to therapy.
But what happens if I do let him in? All I can picture is him getting bored, or running as fast as he can when herealizes just how fucked up I am. The second I allow myself to get close to any of them, I know it’ll all be ripped away from me, and I’ll lose my only friends.
My dad sighs, rubbing his hands down his face before looking to me with tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry, for all of it, but I never blamed you.”
Tears start to burn, and I have to fight to keep them from pouring down my face. Seeing my dad so emotional doesn’t happen often, it kills me to see him this way, but it’s not his own sadness that makes me want to sob… it’s knowing what he’s about to say next that’s getting to me.
