It didn’t take a genius to figure out what night it happened, and I was there. I was fucking there that night and I didn’t do anything. I was too consumed in my own grief to notice anything else going on around me. I was angry with Nathan, he chose her over me, and I guess I finally had enough of being the second choice, so I left.
I fucking left him there with her.
Finally looking up, I make eye contact with Johnny. He looks at me with so much concern that I wonder if he can hear my thoughts. He’s never looked at me like this before, never for this long, and definitely not with this much emotion.
I start to scratch at my wrist, angry red marks sure to pop up in the next little while as I turn my gaze away from the boy I like, and towards Claire. “I’m just kinda goingthrough something right now, and I guess alcohol was my way of coping.”
Going through something, yeah, going through a lot actually.
Dead brother, dead friend, my ex-best friend raped the girl who gave me a place to sleep last night, and my dad can barely look at me.
Lucas St. James stares daggers at me, and I duck my head again.
Claire’s head snaps towards him, glaring and telling him to be nice before reaching out a hand with a bottle of water. “You gonna be okay to get home?”
I grab it from her, nodding once and running out of there like my ass is on fire, but before I close the door behind me, I look back at Johnny. His lips are tilted into a small smile, his eyes glittering with something I’m not sure I know how to explain.
It’s an hour walk home, an hour to mull over every single poor decision I made last night. An hour to sketch that stupid smile into my brain forever, because I doubt he’ll ever look at me that way again.
“Sasha!” Mom yells after me, “why don’t you wait for your Dad, and he can drive you to class?”
I stop on the driveway, “that’s okay, I like the fresh air.”
And being in a closed-off space together is uncomfortable for both of us.
Her eyes dim a bit, making me flinch.
I’ve spent the last two months walking everywhere I go,no matter how far it is. I would rather walk two hours than get into a car for the first time since the accident.
She takes a few steps towards me, grabbing my hand and squeezing tight. “Text me when you get to campus,” she pauses for a moment. “I worry about you, my love.”
I squeeze her hand back, “I always make it, don’t I?”
Even when I shouldn’t.
Her hand reaches up, twirling my hair between her fingers. “Your brother would have loved your hair like this…”
He would have said I was trying to copy him, mocked me endlessly with a huge, goofy grin on his face.
“I’ll see you later for dinner, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
The walk to class isn’t as bad as some might think, the roads are relatively quiet, and the weather hasn’t taken a turn for the worse. The sun shines down on me, and for a second, I stop and soak it in.
After yesterday, I want nothing more than to be left alone. The shame is enough to make me thankful that no one will remember who I am. I’ll just be another face when we pass each other on campus, the same as it’s always been.
For the first time, I truly hope Johnny doesn’t see me today. Funny, because that’s all I’ve wanted for months now.
When I make it to campus, I pull out that old iPod and plug the headphones into my ears. I listen to Taylor Swift, putting Jurian’s favourite song on repeat.
People pass, laughing with their friends, talking about unimportant things, and living their lives.
One boy throws a football on a patch of grass, smiling at his friends. Two girls giggle on the steps of the library,looking down at their phones. A couple of teachers gather across the walkway, sipping coffee and talking about the grades of their students.
A girl sits on a bench, reading a book, completely unaware of the boy sitting next to her. He stares at her like she created the stars themselves. I wonder how long he’s loved her. A year? Maybe his whole life?
Despite his longing gaze, I can tell he’s happy just to be near her, even if she doesn’t know he exists.
