“We found this place accidentally a couple of years ago, the guys and I have been coming ever since. It might not be a secret, other people might come here too, but we’re always the only ones any time we come, so we pretend like it’s just ours.” I lean back on my hands, allowing the sun to hit my face, feeling the breeze, the calm after the storm.
“Do you come here a lot?” She asks, watching me.
“Not really, we used to, but lately we’ve been so busy…” I lead off.
I wish we came here more, but with school and hockey, it’s almost impossible to find time anymore.
It’s the unfortunate reality of growing up. Responsibilities and commitments become a priority, and the things we love to do get put on the back burner.
I live with my friends, but sometimes it feels like we don’t get to actually hang out as much as I want. We only have a couple of weeks left before we’re gone, and that doesn’t feel like nearly enough time.
We sit in silence for a while, admiring the view, neither one of us quite ready to have the conversation we know needs to happen.
No matter what the end result is, we’ll have closure.
I just want to move on from all of this, preferably by her side.
“Claire told me it was okay to tell you the whole truth,” I finally say. “She doesn’t want to be the reason why we can’t work things out, and for her to be okay with me telling you… well, it means she cares more than you think.”
“What happened that night, Johnny?” She asks, voice cracking. “Are you in love with her?”
Now or never.
“Claire saved my life, it’s that simple. I owe her everything because without her, I wouldn’t be here with you.” Why the hell am I shaking right now? “So yes, I love her, but I’m notinlove with her.”
Sasha drags a hand down her face, “are you sure there’s a difference?”
I nod. “It’s the same way I love the guys, I would do anything for them, I would climb mountains for them, but it’s nothing compared to how I feel about you.”
The type of love I feel for Sasha is something I can’t quite put into words. I don’t even fully understand it myself. All I know is that it feels like my heart stops beating when she’s not around, and that the second she shows up, I feel more alive than I have in my entire life.
It’s not the type of love you feel for just anyone, it’s the type of love that you only get to experience once in your lifetime.
How the hell was I going to just let that go?
“That night, she found me. She pushed me out of the way of an oncoming car, and I told her about my depression. She was the first one to know, and in return, she gave me a secret of her own. She tried to kill herself when she was in high school, so when I went running out of yourhouse that day? It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be there for you, it’s because the girl who made sure I made it to tomorrow was hurting, she needed me too.”
I can’t imagine my life without either of them.
Sasha was in pain, Claire was in pain. The two of them were pulling me in two different directions, and I needed to make a choice.
Claire, I could help, Sasha… I felt so fucking helpless. I didn’t know how to help her, I didn’t know what to say or do to make it better.
“It was the anniversary of her suicide attempt, and I was one of the only people who knew about it.”
“I- I don’t feel like I’m a priority to anyone,” she whispers, “so when you chose her over me —when I needed you most— I felt like you didn’t care.”
All I can do is stare at her. How could she possibly think I didn’t care? Sure, I walked out, but of course I care about her.
Her bag is open beside her, the notes I’ve been leaving her barely poking out, so I reach in and grab them. “I cared about you before you ever spoke to me, Sasha Price. I cared before I knew you’d ever love me like I love you.”
Sasha’s face drops, “all those notes… they were from you?”
I grab her face, kissing the tip of her nose before resting my forehead on hers, “I saw how much you were struggling, you needed a hand to reach out to you and give you a lifeline. I needed that lifeline to be me. I needed to be part of your life, even if you didn’t know it was me.”
“Why? Why not tell me when we started seeing each other?”
“I didn’t tell you it was me because I wanted you to believe every single word I wrote down. If you knew, thatsilly little brain of yours could convince you I was just doing it to make you feel better. It’s called love, Pixie, doing things even when you know you won’t get the credit.” My lungs feel like they’re going to burst, I feel like I can’t get enough air, but I have to keep going. “They weren’t just because you mattered to me, I genuinely wanted you to know you weren’t alone, that there was someone out there who cared about you.”
