I scramble out of his grasp and up onto my feet, clenching my fists at my side as he stands as well. “Me?” I shout, “you were about to get hit too, you fucking idiot.” My fists bash on his chest, pounding at him with anger for scaring the fuck out of me.
Davis grabs my arms and traps them at my sides, “don’t ever put yourself in danger for me ever again! Got it?”
My lower lip wobbles, tears making their way down my face, “I was so worried about you.”
He pulls me into a hug, “I’m so sorry.”
We don’t say anything to one another for a very long time, instead we stand in the pouring rain. I’m grateful I’m the one who found him, and not some cop after he was hit —and killed— by some car.
“Please talk to me Davis, this isn’t you. I’ve never seen you like this, it scares me.” I lift my hand and rest it on his cheek before he hides his face in my chest.
“I don’t know how many more lies and secrets I can keep up with, I don’t even know what’s real anymore” he says, words muffled from my hoodie and the loud crack of lightning that splits the sky.
I feel a stab in my heart, his words hitting a little too close to home. My first instinct is to say something to comfort him, but I know that he needs the space to speak freely, so instead I just rub my hand up and down his back.
“I have major depressive disorder” he chokes out. “My dad left my mom because of it… because ofme. He said it was too hard to take care of a son who didn’t want to be alive most of the time.”
A father not wanting his child? Sounds familiar.
It suddenly clicks that the person who texted him earlier was his dad, and it makes it that much sadder.
He continues, “I’m on a cocktail of meds to keep myself out of the danger zone, but it only does so much.” He pulls himself away from me and turns around, “I’m mostly numb to everything, the meds make it hard to feel. I do a lot of pretending, but it’s really draining to do that every day.
The pictures and crap on his wall makes a lot more sense now, he was trying to overcompensate.
Another crack of lighting flashes across the sky, the thunder sounding not too long after… making me nervous. It feels like with every confession, the lighting gets closer.
“They tried to take me off of them a couple years ago, but it didn’t end very well and I was hospitalized. The guys don’t know why but they do know I had to take a break from hockey during our sophomore year.”
I walk up behind him, wrapping my arms around his torso and resting my cheek on his back. He doesn’t need words right now, he needs to feel grounded, connected to someone.
“I hate the feeling of being on them, I don’t feel like myself… but it’s dangerous when I’m not. I don’t win either way.”
My heart breaks for him even more, every word he says is like a dagger to my heart and I can’t stop the pain radiating from every ounce of me. “I’m so sorry, I had no idea” I say softly, hoping he heard me.
His body shakes with a laugh, “that was kinda the whole point, I don’t want people to know.” He flips around and grabs my hands, shrugging before finally asking, “secret for a secret?”
I take a deep breath, I don’t even know why I’m telling him this. I could pick any number of my secrets to share, but it feels like he needs to know he isn’t alone. “Well…”
5 years ago
I sit on the edge of my bathtub, staring at the bottle in my hands, water running behind me. Am I really about to go through with this? Is this the road I want to go down?
Chris, he’s all I have running through my head as I contemplate this decision. He’s gonna be okay, right? He has friends with him, he has Sam. He’s going to go somewhere with hockey, he has a future, he has Tash. I really like her, she’s perfect for him.
He’ll be sad for a while, but he’ll move on.
I should call —no, I can’t do that. He’ll talk me out of it, I’ll only bother him. He’s busy anyway, with his own life… away from Vancouver, from this family, from me.
He doesn’t need to be bothered, he’s all the way in Texas right now, he’s in a game. He’s going to be okay, he won’t have to worry about me anymore, he won't have to check on me or feel any pressure to make sure I’m okay.
It’ll be a weight off his shoulders. I love him more than anything, he’s the only good thing in my life, he keeps me grounded… and I only drag him down.
I just can’t see myself in the future, I can’t see myself with kids or a husband. I can’t see anything past this moment. I don’t want to be anywhere past this moment.
Pulling out my phone, tears spring to my eyes, but not because I’m sad. I’m relieved.
I love you. You were the best big brother I could have ever asked for, you loved me to the ends of the earth and I felt it every day. Don’t blame yourself, okay? I’m a lost cause, there’s not much left for me to keep fighting for. Make tash happy, make it to the big leagues and tell Tony I missed him.
