After Lucas called me out —suddenly interested in my well-being— I lost it. Normally I’m able to handle my panic attacks by myself, but having someone to work through it with me, makes it all so much easier.
I really don’t deserve August.
I pull away from his chest, not daring to make eye contact with him, I’m too raw… too emotional. “Thank you” I mutter, my voice hoarse and strained.
“Don’t thank me. I told you, I’m here for you Claire bear.” He places a gentle hand on my chin, forcing me to look at him. I feel so naked under his gaze. He’s seeing the darkest parts of me, trying to figure me out in the one fleeting moment I allow it. Unfortunately for him, I learned long ago to control what people do and don’t see. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have that kind of control earlier… I know Lucas saw the fear inside of me after his one little question. No one –and I mean no one– has ever given enough fucks to ask me something like that, to check in on me when they notice something so small.
The real problems started after Chris left, so I never had him around long enough to notice, and even then it’s too embarrassing, so I wouldn’t have told him anyway. He obviously knows about how our parents talk to me, but I won’t crush whatever hope he has left that our parents are good people.
I mean, they are good people. I just got in the way sometimes.
I pull myself back into August's chest, and as much as I hate relying on others to feel secure… he just feels so safe. He makes me feel like nothing in this world can hurt me. The warmth radiating off of his body is enough to make me melt into my most vulnerable state, and for the first time in forever, I’m not scared off.
“Can we talk about it?” He asks, holding me tightly.
“There’s nothing to talk about. I hid the bruise for skating, my coaches would kill me if they saw it.” The lie tastes bitter on my tongue, I never liked lying to people, but in the eye of self preservation, it became necessary.
“But you didn’t have skating today.” I can hear the inference in his tone, but he stays quiet and calm nonetheless.
“The skating community is tight, if someone saw me, word would have gotten back to them. I didn’t want to hear any lectures about being careful, especially with one of my first private competitions coming up.”
I hope the lie is enough to convince him, there’s some things that no one ever needs to know about. My family and my past are just two of those things.
“I don’t think you’re telling me the whole story but I’m not going to pry, you’ll tell me when you’re ready” he says softly.
“Thank you.” When he goes to speak I stop him, “please don’t say anything. Just accept my thank you and move on, you stubborn prick.”
He lets out a loud laugh, pulling me back into him as he completely crushes me, “alright babe, but don’t expect me to be this nice all the time.”
“Mhm, sure. You’re a big softie and you know it.”
“I’m gonna punch you in the face” he deadpans.
“No you won't, you love me too much” I tease. I know what I’m saying is true, he does love me, I can see it in the way that he treats others differently. He has a huge soft spot for me. I couldn’t tell you why, but I’m glad he does.
* * *
The house is eerily quiet, the air is stiff, everything about it feels so wrong. August promised he would talk to the guys, make sure they stayed off my back after this morning. I don’t particularly want to know how that conversation went, so I’ve been hiding in my room the entire day.
My brain’s happy that I haven’t had to face any of my problems, but my stomach is angry that I’ve neglected food since breakfast. The loud rumbling is a good enough reason for me to finally leave my safety bubble and venture into the wild place that is this hockey house.
I make my way downstairs, trying to keep my steps light as I check to make sure no one else is down here. To my relief, there is not a single boy in sight. I breathe out a shaky breath and walk over to the fridge. As I start taking out ingredients to make my food, I stop. I feel bad that I worried the guys, the look on their faces was hard to see, and I know that I’m the only person to blame.
I pull out extra of everything so I can make them dinner as well, and while it isn’t a perfect apology, I expect it’ll be good enough. They must be starving. No one made a sound all day, so I think it’s safe to assume that no one else has eaten either.
I twirl my hair nervously as I finish setting the table and walk back upstairs.
Breathe Claire, you can do this. All you have to do is knock on their doors and tell them.
Three quiet knocks, Miller opens his door. “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I made dinner. I’m gonna go let the others know.” My voice is just over a whisper, I’m trying my hardest to keep it from cracking because I don’t need to have another breakdown today. I turn away before Miller has the chance to say anything, and continue down the hall, letting each of my roommates know one by one.
They all sit down, still silent. None of them utter a word as we all sit at the table awkwardly.
I should say something right? I mean, I didn’t mean to scare them earlier. It was my fault that I got hurt, it’s my fault that I lied and covered everything up, they don’t deserve to feel like they have to tiptoe around me in their own home.
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry for this morning. I didn’t mean to freak anyone out.” All of their eyes snap to me, “I know August already explained everything to you guys, and I just hope you can understand.” They don’t say a word, but they don’t look away from me either.
“It was none of our business, we shouldn’t have pressed” Miller finally responds.
