My brain goes in a million different directions all at once, every single emotion humanly possible rushes through me at the speed of light. I don’t know what to think, what to say, what to do.
“They said the damage to his organs was too much for his body. His organs failed.” My brother is a ghost, his face is without colour, his emotions are slammed back behind an iron gate. The only hint to him feeling anything at all is the single tear that rolls down his cheek.
“It’s over?” I ask, my voice sounding distant and wrong.
Chris nods, “it’s over.” He closes his eyes, a painfully relieved smile spreading across his lips as he sobs.
I run over, both of us holding onto the other for dear life. We use each other to stand, leaning and crying and laughing with twisted smiles on our faces.
My father is dead, he’s gone, he doesn’t exist anymore.
But then why does it feel like I’ve lost a part of myself? Why does it hurt so much? It shouldn’t hurt that he’s gone, he did nothing but torture me for twenty-one years. He was an awful man, an even worse father… and yet I’m still sad that he’s gone.
No matter how much I hated him, I could never picture a life where he didn’t exist at the same time as me.
Suddenly —without warning— I burst into a fit of laughter. Chris jumps, startled from the sound, and takes a step back while I hold my stomach and keel over.
“Are you okay?” He asks, concern dripping from every part of him.
I take a deep breath in, “yeah. It’s just funny that he always told me I was an attention seeking little bitch who tried to kill herself because people lost interest in me… then turned around and did the exact same thing.”
His eyes go wide for a moment before a crooked smile cracks his face and he joins my little laughing fit. “Dad died” Chris says between wheezes.
“We don’t have a dad anymore” I laugh harder.
God, I don’t even want to imagine what other people would think about us if they saw this right now. We probably look like maniacs, laughing about our dad dying.
Tash walks in and stares at us for a moment before waving a hand and brushing us off.
* * *
Tanner runs circles around Steph and I as we walk to our seats. The kid has so much energy it almost hurts to watch.
Tash holds baby Charlotte, the chubby little angel she gave birth to three months ago. I still laugh at the photos I have of Chris ugly crying when he first met her, he was so happy to have a daughter, I thought he was going to pass out. “Can you please take her? I’ve had to pee for the last hour, that drive was awful” she says to Steph before handing her the child and running off.
Steph looks down at her, smiling softly. She keeps saying she doesn’t want kids, but I have a feeling that’s going to change very soon. Every part of her screams ‘mom’, I don’t understand why she thinks she’d fuck her kids up.
We take a seat in the box with Lucas’s name written on the door, ready to watch him duke it out with August and Miller.
It’s weird, finally being happy and having life work out for me. I spent so long fighting for peace and trying to survive, and now that the waters have calmed… I feel uneasy.
Part of me wonders when the other shoe will drop, when the universe will finally throw something at me and laugh in my face for thinking I could have it this good. But it’s been years since my life has fallen apart, so I’m trying to be hopeful.
The game’s been great so far, Vancouver is kicking L.A.’s ass, but then Miller goes in for a hit and drops Lucas.
My heart starts to thud against my ribs the longer he lays on the ice. The entire arena goes silent, not a single person dares to speak while the medical staff run out to check on my boyfriend.
An assistant comes crashing into our box and tells me I’m needed on the ice. Tears well in my eyes as I rush out, following closely behind as every bad thought possible races through my head.
God, what if his career is over? He’ll be heartbroken.
My feet slip on the ice, my lungs constrict at the sight of him laying there motionless.
This is bad.
“I’m so sorry Claire! I didn’t mean to” Miller yells from his bench.
I give him a half hearted smile, reassuring him that it’s okay before sliding to my knees at Lucas’s side. His eyes are closed, his breathing is rapid, he looks like he’s in so much pain.
