“It’s okay, you’re okay. Just take some deep breaths for me… there you go.” Steph’s calming voice soothes me as she holds me in her lap, playing with my hair as I take deep breaths and sip water.
August grabbed Steph from the box, and the moment she saw the state I was in she knew what to do.
I still remember the first time I had an anxiety attack in front of her, she freaked the fuck out. But after explaining everything to her, she understood. She took the time to learn how to help me, what to say or do when I start to spiral out of control… I knew then that she would always have my back.
August uncrosses his arms and moves off the wall he was just leaning on, coming over to me and crouching down next to Steph. “Claire, what just happened? You need to tell me.”
“She doesn’t need to tell you shit” Steph snaps.
I sit up and try to gather my bearings, “it’s okay Steph, I’m living with the guy, he’ll find out sooner or later.”
Sighing, I look at August. His eyes are pleading with me to explain, he wants to help, he wants to be a friend. “It was a panic attack, I get them sometimes. I’m good now though.”
“What caused it?” he asks.
“I was overwhelmed.” I’m not exactly ready to put my whole life story on display.
He just nods his head, understanding that even though there is more to it than that, I don’t want to talk about it, and after seeing a tiny little glimpse of what Steph is like when she’s angry… I don’t think he’ll push his luck when she’s around.
August leaves, and Steph starts to help me up off the ground, “okay so whatreallyhappened?” she asks knowingly.
“They were asking so many questions about Chris. I’m so scared that they’re going to find out, but I just met them, they won’t treat me like a real person if they know about him. Steph, I'm thinking this was a bad idea.”
“It’s going to be okay, I promise. They won’t know until you tell them, just make sure it’s whenyou’reready, not when you feel like youhaveto tell them.”
* * *
“Seriously Miller, you really need to help me out here, you weigh a ton” I say, struggling to get Miller up the stairs. I’ve been trying to get him to his room for what feels like forever.
“I do not weigh a ton” he pouts.
“You’re right, you’re as light as a feather” I deadpan, and a drunken smile takes over his face.
I finally get him into bed, and by the time I’m done with getting him settled, August already has the rest of the drunk idiots in their rooms. For a second I think that maybe I’ve dodged any more questions from him about the whole panic attack thing, so I change into more comfortable clothes and sit on the back deck to relax
Unfortunately for me though, he comes outside not long after and takes a seat next to me. “So,” he says after a couple moments of silence, “are we going to talk about what happened?” He looks at me like I’m broken, like I’m a glass doll that will shatter if I’m not coddled like a child.
I try to delay the inevitable, taking my sweet ass time to avoid this conversation for as long as possible, “Do I have a choice?” I eventually ask.
I know he’s doing it because he cares, but I really don’t like how he’s acting. The idea of people treating me differently because of the shit I’ve been through is my worst nightmare, it makes my skin crawl. I’m a big girl, I can handle myself, I don’t need to be an issue for other people. I’ve dealt with my shit –basically by myself– for years, I don’t need other people to start giving a fuck now.
“Please stop looking at me like that” I say, turning away and looking down at my feet. I listen to the breeze brush its way through the leaves of the trees surrounding us, trying not to focus on the suffocating silence between August and I, the kind that makes me want to throw up from how tense the air feels.
“Stop looking at you like what?” he questions.
“Like I’m some broken, helpless creature that needs to be babied twenty-four seven” I snap. “I’m notbroken,I’m a big girl and I’ve dealt with this for the majority of my life.”
He lets out a laugh, like actually laughs in my fucking face.
I can’t believe him.
“This was a mistake” I scoff, standing up and spinning towards the door.
“I’m sorry” he says, grabbing my arm and pulling me back down. “I really wasn’t thinking that, I’m worried for you, I care about you so I want to make sure you’re okay. Please stay and talk to me.”
I take a seat again and sigh. “Nothing leaves this step,” I point my finger at him, “I mean it August, no one other than Steph, Tony and my brother knows, this is not to be repeated to anyone.”
He smiles softly at me and nods his head, fake locking his lips and throwing away the key. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to centre myself, this talk never gets any easier.
