Damian peeled him off, noticing how tired Gabe was. “Hey, come here. Gabe’s tired. You’ll play tomorrow.” Leaning in for a kiss, but Gabe just shot him a small look and pulled his suitcase to the dressing room.
Puzzled, Damian put Armando in their bed, and told him a story. Listening all the while to the shower rushing, Gabe emptying his suitcase in a laundry bag.
Fortunately, Armando had collapsed, hugging the pig, and he left him, going straight to the dressing room. His smiled vanished when he saw Gabe packing his clothes. In his suitcase. In another one.What…He walked close, and Gabe stopped, their eyes meeting.
That puzzled light in Damian’s eyes. “You have another shift? Why do you need that big suitcase?” He paled. “You’re not doing an overseas trip, right?”
Gabe’s eyes drowned. “No…”
Damian exhaled in relief. “So then? What’s the packing?”
Gabe turned back to the wardrobe, taking his T-shirts out. “I’m leaving.” He couldn’t look at him, so stashed the clothes in that large suitcase.
The air had frozen around Damian, as if his words had also sucked away the air in his lungs. His eyes wide, as he pushed the word out of those airless lungs. “What…?”
Gabe fixed his eyes on the wardrobe. “Yes. I think… I think we need time… to figure out what we have.”
“What…? What we have?” He grabbed Gabe’s arm, a tidal wave of anger above that despair. “What we have?! You know what the fuck we have! What’s this bullshit?”
Gabe pulled his arm out. “This hurts.”
Damian raised his hands. “Sorry… God! Fuck… what are you talking about? What…” His back had drenched, a mild panic there as his eyes darted to the half-full suitcases. Trying to gasp for breath when there was none. Clinging to wisps of that anger, but they flickered away, eaten by his despair.
Gabe’s eyes welled up, but he kept calm. “Things are different here… we had each other there… and that’s all we had. And now, we are in a room filled with mirrors held up by others, and what… what’s in there is rotting what we have… I am not good for you here… I made you throw your firm away… and I’m… I’m not exactly who you think I am.” He closed his eyes, hoping that Damian would understand. Hoping he didn’t have to explain.
That deep voice he so loved, almost dull. “Nonsense… you’re not making sense.” His breathing, heavy. Waiting.
Gabe wiped at a rogue tear with grim determination. Packing. Not looking at him. “This is for the best. Until things calm down a bit… we can think this over…. And you could get your firm back… I would not be in the way.”
“Are you fucking insane? I would have sold it with or without you… Gabe…” Almost a plea in that voice which had lost its strength.
Gabe sighed, holding his tears in. Almost cold. “It’s for the best. I’m not good for you. My past… let’s just say that… I didn’t have luck with my partners… and did some stupid stuff…”
“But… so what? None of these matter.” Watching him pack. He lost it then, the thought of watching him walk out the door unbearable. “Gabe… Gabe, please don’t go… don’t leave…” A genuine dread had seeped into his voice, his stomach a block of ice, so painful, he thought he’d throw up. “Please…” Torn between begging and leaving him his freedom to decide what he wanted, he waited, his lips trembling.
Gabe’s eyes stayed on the empty wardrobe. “Please don’t make this more difficult…” But inside his chest, his heart was breaking, almost thinking better of it, but then, that shame there of giving up what he had started. He zipped his suitcases, his heart hammering at Damian’s silence. That he had silenced him. “I’ll call a cab. No need to see me outside…”
He took his suitcases and pulled them outside to the living room, dialing reception to ask for a cab, not even knowing where he wanted to go, when muffled sounds reached his ears. Soft, barely there, but he knew them, and his heart clenched. Hesitating, but he put the phone down, listening, torn. Breathing in that silence filled with Damian’s sobs. Gabe’s hand moved to the door handle when those sobs turned into howls. Melting any resolve he had. He rushed back, his eyes wide on him, crumpled on the carpet, rocking on his knees. Damian had cupped his hand on his mouth to dim his voice, crying so hard that his tears had soaked the front of his T-shirt. Gabe went to his knees and hugged him, trying to push that arm and hand out of the way, but Damian was gone somewhere far, trembling with his cries. Even if he knew that Gabe’s arms were around him, he couldn’t stop, that dread coating everything, that pain when Gabe’s words had torn him apart. That he had even thought of leaving.
Gabe tore at his hand and arm, pulling him closer, rocking him in his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, so sorry. I’m not leaving, ok? Not leaving…” Not having enough words to stop that tide of tears, that grief which he had caused. Pushing his mouth on Damian’s, drinking his tears, opening wide to him. Desperate, hungry kisses. He scraped his teeth on Damian’s lips, hoping that that pain would kindle something primal. Feeling Damian’s arms going around him, holding him closer whilst he ate him up. Hard kisses, almost painful. I deserve it… your wrath… that angry love…Gabe had gone slack in his arms, letting Damian push him to the floor, ravage his mouth. Looking into his eyes then as he pinned him to the carpet. Both panting, in tears.
“Don’t do this again… I can’t bear it…”
“Alright…”
“What the fuck were you thinking?” That voice, still weak, tainted with tears.
“I… I figured you’d be better off without me… I don’t have a flawless past… and…”
Damian whined a small laugh. “Because I do? Who the fuck cares? It didn’t matter there… for years… why would it matter now?”
“People know. They will know and use it against you… and…”
“And? Let them. I don’t care…” He smoothed his palm on Gabe’s cheek. “I love you… more than… anything… I don’t know how to say this, so it doesn’t sound fucking lame… I would give my life for you.” His eyes softened. “We got married, remember?” Cutting the words with his fingers on Gabe’s lips. “No… I don’t care that it was not ‘proper’ according to some fucking laws we have here… it was proper for us and the fucking universe.”
Gabe’s heart melted. “I know… I love you too.”
“So don’t run.” He sighed, pushing this out even if it hurt, those words like tiny knives slicing his flesh. “But you can leave. If you had enough of me, us, you can go.”
