“How can you even...?”
“Get it up? There are drugs to get you there... if you can’t perform, very similar to the one we drank at that party, remember? But stronger. There are others which will keep you awake and on edge too, constantly wanting more...” Memories surfaced of those nights and days at the brothel, and he swayed a bit, trying to wall them back up. He shook his head gently, feeling faint. “You should not ask me about those days... please...”
Marius squeezed his hand, mortified. “I won’t.”
The kids came back, and Kyle left with them to the kitchen, Marius watching as they tugged on his tunic on both sides, pushing and pulling him, laughing.
He turned to walk up to the dining room, Seraphina already waiting for him. “Up early, dear?”
He walked over to her and kissed her hand. “You too...”
She shrugged. “I can’t sleep with my belly. It’s soon now. I went to pray to the gods.”
Marius smirked but didn’t comment. His faith in the gods had been long gone, left on the bloody battlefields where enemy and friends alike writhed in their own blood and entrails, praying to their gods in their languages. What good did it do? What kind of gods are these, allowing some men to live a life of luxury whilst others have to serve them like animals?He watched his slaves carry in their breakfast, his love... He steeled himself not to give any of his feelings away, very conscious of Seraphina’s eyes on him.
Kyle had no difficulty playing the game, hiding his feelings and emotions had been a part of him for years, and Marius suffered quietly, thinking of the long years stretching ahead in this impossible life. And a child soon. He had pushed this away subconsciously to the far corner of his mind, but the reality of it hit him now, watching Seraphina’s huge bump, which seemed to have appeared of nowhere, as he had been away of it all.
The food turned in his mouth and he swallowed, a vague panic creeping up on him in the stuffy room, his appetite wiped, a thin sheen of cold sweat breaking down his back.I have to get out of here...
He rose quickly, and Seraphina watched him, concerned. “Where are you going?”
“I have a meeting... I need to leave now...”
She wanted to object, but he had already left, rushing to his room, stumbling out to the terrace, out of breath. He braced his arms on the ledge, heaving, focusing his eyes on the city, gulping in the warming air.Impossible fucking trap...
He turned around and changed, throwing his drenched clothes on the floor, and then hurried down to the atrium, out the front door. He had no idea where he wanted to go, just away from this place, from her, his long strides taking him down to the city.
Without consciously thinking about it, his legs took him to Clavius’ home, and he stood in front of the door, his chest heaving from the climb to the hill. He knocked, and after a short while, Clavius’ old slave opened the door. He knew him and led him straight to his master. Clavius and Tertullia were having breakfast, her laughter booming through the house.
She got up when she saw him; her face alight. “Marius! What a lovely surprise!” Her soft body was around him in an instant, hugging his tall frame as best as she could. It felt so good, he had to fight his tears. She pulled at his hand, pushing him down on one of the couches. “Come, come, you must join us...”
Clavius smirked. “Modesty, woman, this is no noble way to greet our guest.”
“Oh, sod off, you big boar. The boy needed a hug, any decent woman can see that. Now, drinks.” She gestured a slave over and made him fill Marius’ cup with watered wine. She also pushed honey and bread in front of him. “Eat, eat...you look like you’ve seen a ghost...”
He drank and put his cup down, a vague nausea still lingering.
Clavius watched him carefully. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing...”
“You wouldn’t be here then, looking white as a sheet.” Marius opened his mouth to protest, but Clavius just smiled. “Marius, I know you... so stop it and don’t make me eat your lies.”
He sighed, giving up. “I... I don’t know how I can carry on living like this...”
Clavius raised his eyebrows, and Tertullia listened carefully. “Living like what?”
“I’m going to be a father...”, he moaned, and Clavius grinned.
“Well, it’s about fucking time you realized!”
Marius closed his eyes. “Seraphina is jealous of Kyle so... we have to pretend that there’s nothing happening, we just fuck... and now even that is becoming complicated... and soon, the child...” Clavius didn’t comment, letting him speak, his eyes darting to his wife. Marius’ face was ashen. “What if they take him away from me?”
“They?”
“My fucking family! I don’t know how long we can pretend this... how long I can... It’s killing me... I love him...” The last words were a mere whisper in a shaking breath, Marius falling silent, his blue eyes laced with pain.
Clavius knew what he had in mind. His uncle could just take Kyle away any day. You couldn’t oppose the emperor, and Marius’ father was no fool. The old man had been hurt and it would only be a matter of time that Seraphina found out their true feelings. He sighed, grim. “This is a real shithole of a situation...” Marius just nodded; his eyes lost.
