Why him? Why the boy who tore me apart and then pieced me back together with trembling hands? Why the one who made me feel safe only to destroy that safety again?
I pressed my hand harder to my chest, trying to ground myself, to force the ache to stop, but it only made it worse.
God, I still wanted him.
I wanted him to knock on my door. To show up with Honey in his arms and guilt in his eyes. To sayI didn’t mean it.
To saystay.
And I’d forgive him.
I would. Because I’m stupid like that. Because loving him makes no sense, but it’s the only thing that ever felt real.
I turned onto my side, curling tighter into the sheets, whispering into the pillow,“I love you, Joshua…”
It hurt to say his name.
It hurt more to know he’d never hear it.
Maybe one day I’d stop.
Maybe one day I’d wake up, and he’d just be another lesson.
But not today.
Today, I love him. And it’s killing me.
Chapter Fifty-Five
Joshua
The sky was grey, that kind of dull, colourless grey that sits heavy on your chest. I parked the bike by the gate and walked the rest of the way; the flowers clutched in my hand, the smell of rain still lingering in the air.
The grass was damp when I stopped in front of her grave.
Sofia Lockhart.
The letters never looked real to me. They still didn’t.
I crouched down, brushing away a few stray leaves. Next to her headstone was another one: Evelyn Grayson. Alex’s mum. The two of them stood side by side. That’s how we met.
I still remember it: me at eleven, sitting here with my knees pulled up, crying into my sleeve.
Then this boy walked up and just… sat down next to me.
He didn’t say sorry or hi. Just,“That’s my mum.”
And I looked at him and said,“That’s mine.”
He nodded, serious, and said,“They probably know each other.”
And that was it. That’s how it started. The two of us bonded over the women we lost.
I looked at the two graves now, still side by side, as if they planned it. Maybe they did. Maybe the universe did.
“Hey, Mom,” I said quietly, setting the flowers down. White lilies. “You liked these.”
The words got caught somewhere between my throat and my chest. I rubbed the back of my neck, letting out a shaky breath.
