She drops it on the table, leaning over with a wicked grin. “Happy almost-birthday, babe.”
I squint at the box. “Elena, what the hell is that?”
She sits back down, crossing her arms triumphantly. “It’s supposed to be your present.”
I hesitate, eyeing the box. “It’s not a bomb, right?”
She smirks, raising an eyebrow. “Maybe a metaphorical one.”
I laugh, shaking my head as I pull the box toward me, my curiosity piqued. Elena’s practically bouncing in her seat now—she always does this when she’s excited, like she’s physically incapable of sitting still.
Slowly, I lift the lid.
My eyes go wide, and I squeak out a laugh, slapping my hand over my mouth to keep from outright screaming. I can’t even form words. All I can do is stare at what’s inside the box, my brain trying to process the sheer insanity of it.
The first thing that hits me is the color.
Neon green.Liketoxic sludgegreen.
I blink, staring down at what is unmistakably the most grotesquely veiny, oversized…thingI’ve ever seen in my life. It’s sitting there, just… glaring up at me like it’s ready to destroy my dignity in one swift move.
“What… on earth?” I whisper, horrified, as I push the box back slightly, as if it might explode if I get too close.
Elena grins from ear to ear like she just won the lottery, and then her face drops into mock disappointment.
“Ugh! It was supposed to be a surprise for tomorrow… at the club,” she says.
I try not to laugh at how ridiculous this situation is. I can’t evenlookat it without feeling like I need a shower.
“You mean you were going to spring this on me, what, after birthday cake and cocktails at the BDSM dungeon?” My voice gets a little too loud. I notice a few people are glancing over, clearly judging.
Elena shrugs like we’re discussing the weather. “Hey, you’re turning 29, single, and your boss is a Satan in heels. If that’s not a reason to own the latest in…personal entertainmenttechnology, I don’t know what is.”
I glance around the café, paranoid that someone might see what’s sitting between us. “Elena, we’re in a public place,” I mutter through clenched teeth. “And this thing looks like it came straight out of a sci-fi movie.”
She snorts, leaning forward conspiratorially. “Don’t worry, it’s top of the line. Comes with a remote control, four speed settings, and,” she leans in closer, voice dropping, “a suction base forhands-freeenjoyment.”
I choke on air. My brain can’t keep up with her, and I have no words.None.
Just then, the green monstrosity in the box vibrates.
Oh God, it’s moving.
I reach out to stop it, but before I can, it hops right out of the box, bouncing across the table like it’s making a break for freedom.
My eyes widen in horror. “What the f—?”
Elena cackles, snatching it up before it hops straight onto the floor. “Oops! Guess I accidentally hit the ‘on’ button. Good thing it’s not on turbo mode.”
I’m shaking with silent laughter, desperately trying to regain composure, but my face is turning red, and I can’t breathe. The people around us are starting to stare, but I don’t care.
This is too much.
“Elena, you are… insane.”
She winks, casually slipping the monstrosity back into the box like it’s no big deal. “I know. You’re welcome.”
Elena leans back in her chair, smirking as if she just saved the world with her vibrating neon-green monstrosity. I’m about to tell her she’s officially the most chaotic person in my life when she reaches into her pocket and pulls out… a joint.
