Chapter 4
Empty Kiss
Hillary Beck
“When I finally managed to escape,” I whispered, all the memories flooding through me, “I went to my parents, who were horrified when they saw my condition. I remembered how my mother trembled when she saw me. Dad was furious; he wanted to hunt down Joe and kill him. They told me I would be fine. They told me everything would work out and that they would stand by my side. But nothing helped. I was depressed. I felt pathetic and useless and worthless. Like something dirty and nasty. I hated everything about myself. I just wanted to die, that was all.”
“What did you do?” he asked, sounding horrified.
“I tried to kill myself,” I whispered. “My father caught me before I could, and I remember how he ran in to stop me. He fell on his knees and burst into tears. I had never seen my dad cry like that. He asked me to live. If not for myself, then for them. He said that if I died, they would have nothing to live for. So, I went to therapy, though I could barely afford it. I took an accelerated course at the university and managed to clear it. I did odd jobs, got an apartment with Erica, and got my life together. But you see, I had so many people to help me. I had Erica and my parents. Without them, I would be dead. These girls, they have no one. What Joe did to me still haunts me. I still have nightmares about it. And I bet you, none of these girls have forgotten it either. It haunts them too. It will haunt them forever.”
I looked at him and almost gasped in surprise. There were tears in his eyes as he squeezed my hand across his desk. It was a quiet night; most of the staff had already gone home. I was sitting in his office, ready to help him with the case. I certainly was not expecting to tell him all these things about myself. There was something about him. Something about the comfort of his presence made me want to tell him everything. Something about the way he held my hand made me want to bare my very soul.
“I thought I had escaped Joe,” I whispered. “But then he came back into my life. And just when I was about to be his captive again, you came into my life. You saved me. You protected me. You helped me. If you hadn’t been there, I would be back in his hands. Living through the same torture that I once did.”
A shudder ran down my spine at that horrifying thought. I had never felt this way about him before. My feelings were so intense as I looked into his tear-filled eyes.
He leaned forward and brushed his thumb across my lips before cupping my cheek.
“Listen to me, Hillary,” he said, his voice deep. “You have no reason to be scared anymore. Nothing and no one will ever hurt you again. If Joe as much as lays a finger on you, I will tear him apart with my own hands, that I promise you.”
“What does that even mean?” I asked. “I don’t understand you. You are here, making all of these promises when you won’t even look at me most of the time! Why are you playing like this with me? Why did you do this to me? You led me on, and then you broke away without warning. One day you are asking me out; the next day, you are hanging out with Stella. You are literally playing with my heart, making me hope and then breaking me again and again.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that I will protect you! I will look after you, Hillary!” he said.
“Stop it!” I said, standing up. “Stop making promises like that. You want nothing to do with me, do you? Tell me, why did you do it? If you care so much about me, then why did you play me like that? Why did you do that with no explanations and no answers? Why Stella? Why?”
“I…” he stammered. “Hillary, I can’t—”
“I don’t know who you think you are,” I said. “I don’t know if you see yourself as some player. If you think I am one of those women who will sleep with their boss when he is dating other women. Be his mistress. I am not like that. And I am done letting you play with my heart.”
“Hillary,” he said, grabbing my wrist and pulling me close to him.
“I wish I could tell you everything that was going on,” he whispered. “I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t—”
“Wow,” I said, my heart aching. “That’s some excuse. I can’t tell you what’s going on, but trust me? I am in a relationship with another woman, but it’s you I want to protect? When have you ever given me a reason to trust you? All you have done is play with my feelings from the start!”
“Please, trust me!” he said. “There is nothing between me and Stella, Hillary. Nothing. I don’t want to be with her. I don’t even want to look at her face. But I have no choice. She knows something that could really harm me and others, and I can’t do anything about it. But I promise you, there is nothing between her and me. I don’t feel anything for her. At all. I haven’t even slept with her. Just trust me. I do care for you, and I want to protect you.”
He stared at me for a minute, not saying anything, his eyes filled with emotions I didn’t understand. And then he suddenly pulled me into his arms and pressed his lips to mine. I struggled, too angry to give in to his tempting lips. But as he kissed me, I found myself melting against his body. He kissed me back with passion as he pressed his body against mine, his hands tracing over my back, sending shivers down my spine. I trembled under his touch, his fingertips dancing over my body as he held me tighter against him. I felt so comforted and yet so aroused at the same time. I wanted to bury myself in his arms and let all my fear and worry go. I also wanted to tear his clothes off, push him on the couch and ride him.
I kissed him hungrily, well aware of how wrong this all was. The voice in the back of my mind was burning, asking me to stop. I knew he was just playing me, and yet, it was so hard to stop. It was so hard to resist him and fight this attraction we both felt.
He pulled away and looked into my eyes, and I knew I was about to make a decision I would regret.
“Take me,” I whispered.
He looked into my eyes and then pulled me into a kiss again. I knew that I shouldn’t do this, but I was tired of fighting. I was tired of fighting Joe and whoever he was working for. I was tired of staying away from him and resisting my feelings for him. For one night, I just wanted to give up. For one night, I wanted to forget all that was bothering me and do something that was wrong but felt so good. Just for one night, I wanted to put it all behind me and let it go.
