Chapter 10
Waver
Samuel Foster
Iwait a day before trying to reach out to Arielle again. After she left yesterday, I tried to call her, then sent a text. When both remained unanswered, I figured she needed some time to sort things out in her head. God knows I need time myself. I just wish I was spending it with her.
The house that I’ve lived in for the past few years feels like an empty shell now. It’s not like it was ever bustling with activity before, but I always knew there was someone waiting for me. Someone who needed me. I guess it’s fucked up that my particular ‘someone’ was a cat, but that never bothered me. I’ve never had the sort of lifestyle that could accommodate anything that needed more attention. It wouldn’t be fair to have a dog. And a family? Yeah, that was never gonna happen.
But now, that’s what I want. I want a family. I want people in my world. People who love me. People I can love. I know I haven’t had much experience with that. But I think I’d be good at it. If I just had a chance. I want Arielle to give me a chance.
I pick up the phone and call her number.
“Pick up. Pick up. Pick up...”I whisper. I squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath.She’s not going to answer. Please let her answer.
“Hello?” The sound of her voice sucks the air from my lungs.
“Arielle,” I say, then realize that I’m stuck. I have no idea what to say to her...no idea what I’d intended to accomplish with this call. Aside from begging her to come back. And begging was never a strong suit for me.
“Hi, Sam,” she says. Her voice is soft, so vulnerable. I wish I could hold her.
“How... How is Austin?” I say the first thing that comes to my head.
“He’s good, Sam, thanks for asking,” she answers. This strange formality between us is making everything so goddamn hard.
“That’s good,” I say back. “How are you?”
I hear her heave a sigh. “I’m fine, Sam.” Her voice softens. “Are you doing okay?”
She’s asking about how I’m feeling after Munchkin died, and I love her for it...
Jesus...I do. I love her.
The realization hits me like a sledgehammer. For months I’ve been putting her in the middle of my little fantasy of having a normal life. Or at least a different life. But I know there’s more to it now. She’s not just some idealized fantasy woman I’ve put on a pedestal. She’s the woman who’s claimed my heart.
“I’m good,” I say, but my voice breaks and destroys the impression I was going for.
“Sam...” she whispers, then stops.
“I just wanted to talk to you about the job,” I blurt.Really, Samuel?But part of me knows it must be on her mind. I never wanted her to think that her job would be on the line if we ever... If we ever took our relationship to a new level. Of course, I never factored in what would happen if Munchkin wasn’t in the picture. There really is no reason to keep her on anymore, and that hurts me as much as it must upset her. I no longer have an excuse to keep her around.
Aside from how I feel about her.
“Yeah, I guess we need to finalize that,” she’s saying. I can hear sounds around her, shuffling and footsteps, and guess she’s walking around. Probably tidying up, if I know her.
“I’ll give you a severance package, of course. Three months full pay, and any unused leave time,” I say, fumbling around for what I imagine might be some sort of industry standard.
She gives a small, uncomfortable chuckle. “I hardly have any leave accumulated, Sam. And I don’t think this position would qualify for paid leave anyway.”
“Nevertheless, I want to make sure you’re not put in a difficult position,” I persist. “I know you rely on this income. And if things had been different, the job would have been yours indefinitely. You know that, right? Irrespective of anything that may have...that might happen between us.” I need her to know that I don’t think of us as being ‘over’. But she’s just so out of reach.
“You don’t need to do that, Sam,” she says softly.
“Yes, I do,” I press on. “It’s the right thing to do, after what happened between us.” As I say the words, I want to kick myself. That totally came out wrong.
“What do you mean, Sam?” she asks sharply.
Fuck.
“I just...I just...”Shit. She thinks I’m paying her for what happened between us.“I just need you to know that this isn’t…I care about you, Arielle,” I eventually get out. “I don’t want you to be forced to make a decision because of money. I would never do that to you.”
“I’m not worried about money, Sam, I’ll manage just fine,” her voice is icy and I’m pretty sure she’s shutting me out.
“Can we talk?” I ask. “In person?” I need to see her face-to-face. Too much is getting lost in translation.
She heaves another sigh. “Give me some time, okay, Sam? There’s a lot going on in my head right now. I just need to get things straight.”
“Sure,” I answer. “Take all the time you need.”
It’s not what I want to say, but what choice do I have?
