"Everything is delicious, Jax," she tells me with a smile.
She's been smiling all night, and I could definitely get used to seeing it on her pretty face. I don't think she's ever smiled this much, and I know that's a good sign.
After dinner, Maria brings out two of the biggest pieces of tiramisu I've ever seen in my life. And, surprisingly enough, Katya and I both devour the giant dessert in record time.
We both sit back in our seats, full and seemingly happy. But there's still something I need to do to make this night complete.
"Katya," I begin. "I'm sorry about the other night. I acted like a complete asshole. It's just…I've never…" I stop to clear my throat and take a swig of wine. Why is this so fucking hard?
Katya leans across the table and places her hand on top of mine. "It's okay, Jax. Whatever you need to tell me…just tell me."
"I've never done this before," I blurt out, waving my hand in the air.
"What? Had dinner?" she asks with a grin.
She's toying with me, trying to make light of the situation. And fuck, it's working. I crack a grin and tell her, "I've never been on a date with a woman before."
Her blonde brows rise in surprise on her beautiful face. "Oh," she says, sitting back in her seat.
I instantly miss the warmth of her touch, but I need to keep spilling my secrets, so that she understands me. "My mother left when I was young, and I think it caused some issues later on in my life."
"So you're afraid to be intimate with a woman because she might turn around and leave or hurt you," Katya says.
What is she, a fucking psychiatrist? "That's exactly right," I confess.
"So you watch other people who are in love because there's no chance of you getting too involved…of you getting hurt."
I nod. Fuck, she's good.
"A lot of relationships end in heartache, Jax," she whispers. "But sometimes you have to just throw yourself out there and not worry about thewhat ifs. Focus on every moment when you're with that person and just hope for the best."
I sit back in my chair and think about what she just said. She's absolutely right. I've never given a woman a chance before because I was too focused on what the future held. I could never be present with anyone, because I was too worried about when she would leave and break my fucking heart.
Gripping my wine glass, I take another sip. I feel like I've been cracked open. I feel fucking vulnerable.
And as if sensing my trepidation, Katya willingly offers me another piece of her puzzle. "My father liked to gamble. When he ran out of money, he used me as collateral. He lost to a very powerful man who was involved with theBratva. And that is how I came to be married to Pavel."
The man she murdered won her in a card game. It's almost inconceivable. "How old were you?" I ask even though I fear I'm not going to like her answer.
"Sixteen," she whispers solemnly.
I'm floored by her response, so taken aback that I can't even speak for a good five minutes after that. She was only sixteen years old when her father turned her over to an obviously old, fat and unattractive man. She was just a young girl…and she was forced to marry him, stay with him for…how many years?
As if reading my mind, Katya tells me, "We were married for ten years. Ten years of my life that bastard stole from me. Ten years I'll never get back." A shadow crosses her features as she says, "I'd like to say the abuse didn't start until recently, but I would be lying. Pavel was a cruel man from the start. He took my virginity after beating me bloody with his belt." She cringes as if recalling the memory. "He would lock me in the basement, starve me for days or weeks at a time. I stayed alive by drinking dirty rainwater that trickled in through the cracks of the foundation."
As if recalling her voracious thirst, she takes a long swig of wine before continuing. "The abuse got worse from there. It started out with punches and kicks, but soon turned to burning me with his Cuban cigars and cutting me with his extensive knife collection. He never used the same one twice," she whispers hauntingly. "He thought he could break me, put me in my place. He wanted a living, breathing doll. But I refused to break. And the more I refused, the crueler he became." She shudders and wraps her arms around herself.
As her words slowly sink in, I become more and more irate. Had I known what that bastard was, what he'd done to her…fuck, I would have killed him myself that night.
All this time I thought Katya was in the wrong, a bad person. But she was only trying to survive in a cruel, cruel world.
"Katya," I say, my voice hoarse and chock full of emotion. Her beautiful blues meet my gaze as I tell her, "If I had known, I would have killed him with my bare fucking hands that night."
She gives me a small smile. "It took me ten long years to earn enough of his trust that we stayed in a hotel room without his bodyguards stationed in the same room or outside in the hallways. I knew I would only have one chance at being free, and so I took it." Her stare turns molten as she says, "You have to understand that I wanted to kill him. I'm glad I did it. And I would do it again if given the chance." And then she adds with a smirk, "Although I would've made him suffer more the second time around."
"I do understand." She thinks she's going to turn me away, that I'm going to think she's some kind ofmonster. But I think the exact opposite. I think she's the bravest, fiercest, most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on.
And I know exactly how she feels about wanting to kill Pavel. I'm feeling that sense of revenge right now myself over the men who took Adeline.
