I've grown close with Barbara over the past several weeks. And if anything happens to her, I'll never forgive myself.
I step back and stare at the receiver, urging it to ring. But it never does.
Sighing deeply, I jog up the flight of stairs, strip out of my work clothes and take a long bath. The warm water does little to soothe me, however. I have a bone-deep chill that I can't seem to get rid of, and I know it's not because of the colder weather sweeping across Pennsylvania.
After I dry off and dress, I have an overwhelming pressure on my chest, and I know it's going to be one of those nights — the kind of night where I can't stop crying, because I misshim.
Sometimes I miss him so bad it physically hurts.
Standing in my small closet, I spy the duffle bag I crammed in the top corner shelf. It contains all my money…and the precious gift that Lucien made for me back on the island.
I haven't been able to even look at the watch since my world turned upside-down.
But it doesn't deserve to stay hidden forever.
It should be worn with pride as a constant reminder of someone I loved very deeply and who loved me just as much in return.
Lifting up on my tiptoes, I grab the duffle bag and yank it off the shelf. Placing it on my small twin-sized bed, I unzip the bag and then the small inner pocket.
The moment my fingers touch the familiar rose gold band, I feel my heart stutter in my chest.
I pull the watch out and hold it in the lamplight. Tears fill my eyes and blur the object in my hands.
They say all wounds heal over time, but I don't believe that's true about broken hearts. The cracks and schisms simply harden to a petrified state, but they're always there, and they never fully heal.
I carefully wrap the band around my wrist and do the clasp. But when I turn my wrist over, the screen is dark. I remember Lucien told me it runs on my body heat. And it's sat cold for so long that I wonder if it will even work again.
A tear slips from my cheek and splashes onto the screen, and I quickly wipe it away. Even if it never works again, I vow to never take it off. Just having it around my wrist again makes me feel better.
My hands go to my small belly bump, which has been growing with every passing week. And Laura, James's wife, has been sending over meal after meal, which has been a blessing but also a curse. I feel like I've gained twenty pounds just from her food alone.
If I stay here much longer, I'm going to look like a blimp and like I'm carrying triplets instead of just one, tiny baby.
Curling up on the bed with my hands around my tummy, I close my eyes.
Even though I'll never have a photo of Lucien, I can picture him in my head. I can see his broody, dark eyes and rare smile that used to light up my entire world.
Tears well up in my eyes and run down my temple and the bridge of my nose as I think back to the whirlwind that's been my life the past few months. Lucien would know exactly what to do, and he would protect me. He would protectus.
What I wouldn't have given to share just one more moment with him, to tell him I love him just one more time.
But I can't turn back time, and I can't ever get him back.
The most important thing now is to let his memory live on through me. And I won't let our baby grow up without knowing that his or her father was one of the kindest and strongest men I have ever met.
Lucien would have loved our baby with all of his tortured heart.
I long for him. Many nights I wake up in a panic, covered in sweat and screaming his name. That horrible day plagues my nightmares, and it's like I just can't seem to get that gruesome image out of my mind no matter how hard I try.
I squeeze my eyes shut and more tears leak out when I think of Lucien falling backwards into the pool, the water turning red.
Just like in real life, even in my dreams Lucien never surfaces.
A beeping noise breaks me out of my nightmarish reverie. The screen of the watch glows with the wordrebootingon it.
My tired, blurry eyes stare at the screen as rebooting flashes over and over, lulling me to sleep.
And just before my eyes close for good that night, I see the screen flash to normal and watch as the time and date resets from that fateful day to the present like it's restarting my life.
