After another twenty minutes or so, I finally tire myself out to the point of almost complete exhaustion. Wrapping my hands with a couple of small towels, I leave the gym and go straight to my office.
I've been so preoccupied with Adeline that I haven't even stepped foot in here since she was attacked.
I dump the bloody towels in the trash before I pour myself a glass of whiskey. And then another. And then another until I feel somewhat back to my normal, miserable self.
I've never been one to often indulge in alcohol, but lately I've been turning to the bottle to help soothe my dark soul. I'm trying to numb everything that's going on with me internally, and I know it's not good…but I just can't seem to fucking stop myself.
When I go to pour another drink to numb my mind, it's only then that I realize I've used the same glass for every drink I've poured. Frowning, I stare down at the dirty glass that has my fingerprints and saliva and dust and dirt and inconceivable little particles that were floating in the air that probably fell into the liquid.
Gagging, I take the drink into the adjacent bathroom and pour the expensive whiskey down the drain before dumping the glass in the trashcan.
Going back into my office, I grab a fresh cup from the cupboard, which is stocked full of different sized glassware wrapped in cellophane, and pour a new drink. As I grip the glass in my hand and stare at it, I realize I'm slowly changing, evolving somehow. I didn't even think twice before about using the same glass before more than once.
Adeline is changing me.
Little by little she's managed to do what even the most trained psychiatrists haven't been able to. Instead of obsessing about germs and disorder, my focus has been intently drawn to her. I think about her constantly. And I guess, in a way, my brain doesn't have room for much else because she completely and utterly consumes me.
I look around my office and notice that some of my post-it notes are out of place, my keyboard is askew and a drink that is at least a week old is sitting by the computer mouse. The last time I was in here, I was in such a rush to find her that I just left everything as it was.
Sitting my new drink down by the old one, my hands twitch at my sides, and I can feel a shiver running up my spine.
I don't allow chaos in my world. Only control.
And right now I'm feeling very out of control.
Everything that happened to Adeline was out of my control. And now even my office, which should be a sanctuary for me, is in disarray.
With one fell swoop, I empty the entirety of my desk onto the floor, needing to start over, needing it to be organized and clean again. Everything crashes to the floor, and then I'm suddenly on my knees, gripping my notes into my hands and ripping them to shreds.
There are broken shards of glass everywhere, and I can only watch in horror as the liquids soak into the cracks between the hardwood and into the fibers of the expensive rugs. Instantly, I know that no matter how many times or well I clean I'll never be able to reach the recesses that they've gone.
And when I slink back in horror at the mess I have created, I cry out like a wounded animal, slamming my fists to the floor…and I lose my fucking mind.
CHAPTER 8
ADELINE
JAX COMES AND goes throughout the day since Lucien seems to have done a disappearing act after my shower.
Jax has been taking good care of me, bringing me meals, medicine, tending to me and even bringing me some books to read from the library. So it's not like I have any reason to complain. It's just that…I miss Lucien.
As much as I hated it here at first and hated him, the island and Lucien have grown on me. I know he has a lot of issues he needs to work out, and I'm hoping that I can soon get him to open up to me. I want to know about his past, what made him the way he is. There has to be a reason behind it all. But I fear that if he does open up and I find out the reason behind all of his madness…I mayneverwant to leave.
I miss my father and Giovanni, but I don't miss much else of my prior life.
However, the thought of going back to my old life and starting things up again with Giovanni scares me more than anything. Gio might not even want me now since I gave my virginity to another man.
And if I have to stay with my father, things will return to the way they were. I don't want to be locked up anymore, and I know that sounds ridiculous since I'm being kept on this island against my will, but at least I feel like I could have a life here, a real chance at…something more.
Back home my day consisted of a rigorous and monotonous schedule of studying and music lessons and dance classes and a bunch of other things I had no interest in at all but was required to do.
Here I'm able to do things that I like now. Lucien hasn't locked me in my room for weeks. And now that I'm in his bed…I don't think he'll resort back to that again. At least I'm not forced to sit down at a piano and playBachin perfect tempo until it feels like my fingers are bleeding.
Every day at home I was expected to be perfect in every way every hour of the day. I thought that was normal for all young, unmarried women. I used to think my life was pretty great growing up, but now I'm starting to think that it was all just an illusion.
Since leaving home, I'm beginning to realize that my life was far from normal. I never had any real friends or any real purpose in life except for what I was told to do. My future was to wed and have babies to carry on the family name. My husband, whoever my father chose, would take our last name.
But I don't want to take over the family business. I don't want my children growing up in a house that they can't leave without a million bodyguards. And I certainly don't want my kids having the same fate as my sisters.
