"Night, Tucker." I watch him walk down the stairs and leave. A contented sigh comes from my lips, and I can't help but grin. It was a great date, and I never thought I would ever be able to enjoy a date with anyone who's not Colton. I definitely proved myself wrong. And there's nothing like getting the sense that everything's going to be okay. Maybe my heart can heal itself…and maybe I don't need Colton in my life after all.
Sighing again, I trudge down the stairs and pick up the heavy bag of trash, carry it to the dumpster and heave it in. I stare at the back door of the bar wondering why Colton had seemed so upset to catch Tucker and I kissing. It's not like he hasn't been kissing Ruby Sue in front of me, and I'm the only one who has actual feelings in this situation. Colton can't even remember me and doesn't want to remember me.
Shaking my head, I walk up the steps to my apartment and lock myself in for the night. I'm done with worrying about the consequences and about hurting Colton's feelings when he's already done irrevocable damage to my heart. I'm just trying to slowly piece myself back together, and I think Tucker is the first step in a long series of steps to help me with that.
* * * * *
COLTON
I WATCH OUT the front window until I see Tucker's Escalade disappear down the road. Good. He didn't stay the night. But he did kiss Penny.
My hands curl into fists at my sides as I pace the floor in front of the bar. The bar has been empty for an hour now, but I stayed here, cleanin' up…or at least that's what I told myself I was doin'. I spent more time watchin' the clock and the front window and waitin' for Penny to come home. It's almost like I'm obsessed with her, but I don't know why I feel that way.
Groanin', I rake my fingers through my hair and push it away from my face. I sit down at one of the bar stools and tilt my head back to look up at the ceilin'. Penny is upstairs. Probably peelin' her curvy, petite body out of that little black dress. I groan again and close my eyes. I almost stopped her from even goin' on her date when I saw what she was wearin'. She had no idea I was watchin' her from inside the bar. The moment I saw Tucker rollin' up, I couldn't tear my eyes away. I sat. And I waited. And I watched. And then after they left, I waited until they came back. I even programmed her cell phone number, which I found on her application, into my phone.
I'm clearly delusional.
Maybe I'm havin' another mental breakdown. I cracked after my brother died. Everyone told me the car wreck was an accident, not my fault, but I felt and still feel the exact opposite. As far as I'm concerned, he would still be alive if it wasn't for me.I killed Connor. I might not have wrapped my hands around his throat or put a knife in his chest, but it was my fault that I couldn't pull him out of the car in time. He drowned in the bottom of that lake, and I just couldn't hold my breath long enough to save him. The gash in my head had been bleedin' profusely, and even regular breathin' was a chore at that point. I couldn't get him out of his seat belt. And just when I finally clicked the button, I was strugglin' to breath. I remember the water fillin' my lungs and strugglin' to the surface. I left Connor behind. I left him to die.
The guy, who just happened to be drivin' by, saved my life. He managed to get the water out of my lungs and perform CPR until the paramedics got there. He brought me back to life because I know for sure I was a goner. But what he didn't know was that my little brother was on the bottom of that lake. And I wasn't coherent enough to tell him. I couldn't even tell the paramedics. It wasn't until hours later that they found Connor's body. My little brother. Dead. On the bottom of a lake.
It's hard for me to imagine all of the things he'll miss out on life. I'll never see him graduate from high school. I'll never see him get married or have kids. I'll never be the uncle that gets to spoil my nieces and nephews rotten. I'll never see him grow old. Connor's frozen in time as a fifteen-year-old boy. Never growin' up. Never gettin' to experience life.
And it's all my fault.
If only we had stayed home. If only that drunk driver wouldn't have been on the road. There are so many different scenarios that play out in my head over and over again, but they all have the same result. Connor's dead, and there's nothing I can do to bring him back. He's never comin' back.
Growlin', I reach for a highball glass and pour two fingers of bourbon. My dad did his fair share of drinkin' after mom died, but I could never understand why…until now. He was tryin' to cope with her death. Alcohol numbs. Alcohol takes away some of the pain momentarily. And even a moment's worth of peace is worth it.
"It should have been me, Connor. It should have been me," I say out loud in the empty bar. Then I chug back the liquor in one long swallow.
At that moment, my father's words come back to me, as they often do.
"It was an act of nature, an act of God, fate or whatever you want to call it, but your brother died and you didn't. You lived, Colton. By some divine intervention, you survived. But you're not living, son. You're just coasting by without worrying about anything or anyone around you." He takes a couple of deep breaths. "I'm dying, Colt. There's nothing I can do about that. But you, you didn't die in that car that night even if you feel like you did. You are here. You can go on with your life. And, damn it, I want you to live!"
I reach for the bottle of bourbon and refill my glass. I shoot it back my throat and slam the glass down on the bar top. Then I pour myself another and another and another until I can't feel anything anymore. And that's exactly how I want my life to be --- numb and void of pain.
CHAPTER 10
PENNY
IT'S SUNDAY AFTERNOON when I walk into the bar for my shift. "How was your date last night?" Buddy asks from behind the counter while waggling his eyebrows.
I roll my eyes and duck under the pass-through. "It was fine."
"Just fine? So…he has a small one?" Buddy asks while holding up his pinky finger. He lets his finger drop and dangle as if it's limp, and I giggle.
"We didn't get that far."
"Oh," he says with a sheepish grin. "Sure, you didn't," he says, sarcastically, sounding unconvinced.
"It was the first date I've had since I dated Colton. Did you think I was going to just jump his bones?"
My words shock him, but he quickly recovers. "Wow. You must be super horny by now. I wouldn't have blamed you for jumpin' his bones on the first date."
I throw a dishcloth at his head, and he laughs. I smile too because Buddy's personality is simply contagious. We spend the next fifteen minutes getting the bar ready to open. A few stragglers come in, and one asks Buddy if he can order food. "Sorry, man. We don't serve food anymore."
I spy an old, dusty menu from under the counter. My eyes quickly scan the list of items on the laminated piece of paper. Everything seems to be pretty simple. And that gives me an idea. "When was the last time you made any food in here anyway?"
