“That is a question I wasnae expecting.” Kai considered. It was the very question he had prayed no one would ever ask, and now Ava, of all people, was the one to ask it. Yet her fingers were now trailing against his own so sensually, entwining then playing with his hand, that the mere thought of pulling away seemed impossible. Determined to stay warm, he just played with her hand too. “Ye truly want tae ken?”
“Of course, I dae.” Ava nodded firmly as she sipped her hot milk. “Some days, I feel I ken ye so well. Others nae at all.”
“Ye ken me better than any woman does,” he found himself saying with surprising seriousness, looking down at their joint hands.
“Yet I dinnae ken everything about ye. Sometimes, I feel ye ken me more than I ken ye, because ye can read me. Ye read what I’m feeling.”
“Ask me anything, and I would tell ye,” he said with full sincerity, looking up as she continued to trail her fingers. She was taunting him now with that touch, making him want to raise that hand to his lips, turn it over and kiss her palm. Maybe her lips would part in a perfect little moan. He longed to hear what Ava would sound like when she moaned.
“I have just asked ye a question,” she reminded him. “Would ye answer me? Please?” She asked sweetly. She wasn’t using a commanding or fierce voice but that soft voice she had used that morning in the cave. It made his insides feel like they were molten wax, hot and malleable.
“Because…” He tried to tell her, but his throat choked a little. He focused on their hands to carry on talking. “Because I am nae worthy of one good woman.” The words left him in a rush.
Abruptly, her hand took hold of his much more sharply. She pushed the tankard away, clearly no longer interested in drinking.
“What dae ye mean by that?”
“I mean… some men are worthy of the love of one good woman in this world. Look at Domhnall. He and Katherine, theyfit,they work together, and they are a perfect match. Magnus is the same with Ciara. He even agreed tae leave our clan and become the laird of Ciara’s fer her sake. They belong together. Me? Nay. I am nae such a good man. I have flaws.”
“We all have flaws. That doesnae make ye unworthy of marriage, Kai.” Ava shook her head firmly, urging him to look into her eyes.
“The fact ye can say that and believe it is one of the reasons ye matter so much tae me.” He was on the precipice of saying something more, that he loved her, but he held himself back. There was too much between them now. Saying the wordlovewould be like an explosion of fire erupting in the room.
“I believe it and I ken it tae be true. Kai, ye fool, what on earth would make ye believe ye are unworthy?”
He blinked, holding back the words. There were so many reasons he believed it, but there was a wound, one great pain that told him again and again how he was not good enough for another.
The day his mother had died in Enya’s arms, it had been his fault. Unable to save his sisters from pain, unable to save his mother, the grief had overwhelmed the family at his mother’s loss.
He hung his head now. He couldn’t bring up that memory, that trauma. Not at this moment when Ava was so close and clinging to his hand. He loved the feeling of her fingers against his own too much and feared her taking them away.
“I try nae tae think of the past, nae tae dwell on it,” he explained. “I try tae be happy.”
“I’ve seen that, many times,” Ava whispered. “Ye always try tae be happy, tae make others smile, even when the darkness seems overwhelming. How many times have ye done that for me?”
“It’s the way I have learned tae live.” He spoke with determination now. “It’s the way I can carry on.”
“And with all this goodness in ye, with all this wish tae make people smile even when there is darkness, how could ye possibly think yerself unworthy of the love of one woman?” She stared at him wide eyed, her face open and interested.
The emotions in the room were too much for Kai now. He could feel his own nervousness, his grief, and he could feel Ava’s fear for him, as if it was his own emotion. There was something else there too, something in her that he couldn’t quite put a word to. It was a sort of need as she clung onto his hand.
“I can see ye arenae going tae answer me,” she whispered. “But I hope someday ye dae believe yerself worthy, Kai, because ye are. Ye are the best man I ken.” She smiled so broadly that he felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
Without thinking, he lifted their joint hands and pressed the back of her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. His heartbeat was so fast, drumming in his chest, that one beat ran into another- And then it was over, as she pulled her hand back.
“Someone’s coming,” she whispered.
He hadn’t even heard it. He had been too busy thinking about Ava alone, but now he did hear the footsteps approaching at a distance.
“I’ll go.” She stood quickly, moving around him and taking his shoulder. “As children we could sneak in here, but if we’re caught as adults, people might say something about me being alone at night in the company of ye.”
“That they might.” He forced himself to smile. “Run away from the rogue, Ava, run quickly.” He winked at her.
She gripped his shoulder tight. He could tell it was an act of comfort after the conversation they had just shared, but he longed for it to mean something more. Then she was gone, slipping out of the kitchen and into the darkness.
Kai bent down over his tankard of milk and stared into the pale liquid, his whole body thrumming with emotions he hadn’t revisited in years. He couldn’t remember being so vulnerable with anyone before.
Ava thrust the sword through the air again. Infuriatingly, the hay bale she had been aiming to strike out at moved away and fell on its side, so she missed it and struck the courtyard ground and clumps of snow instead.
