“You’ll get used to him. You’re just affected by everything that’s happened.”
I leaned closer for extra privacy and balled my hand into a fist. “I feel like everyone is keeping secrets from me. Things feel wrong.”
“Of course, they’d feel wrong. You can’t remember anything.”
“That’s not what I mean. My gut… is telling me something else is going on. And my journals feel off. Everything feels off. Thayden feels off. Every time he touches me, I want to run out of my skin, yet I’m supposed to believe we’re madly in love. And this…” I held up my wrist to show her the sigil.
She flinched and narrowed her stare. “You know what Grandmother said.”
“Yes. I know what she said, but it doesn’t feel like it’s what she’s saying. It doesn’t look like a punishment, either.”
“Elariya, stop.” A bewildered look filled her eyes, and I could see she was genuinely afraid. But afraid of what? “Please just stop.”
“I just want the truth.”
“The truth might feel distorted right now.” She spoke in that careful tone everyone had been using with me. “Because you can’t remember Thayden.”
No. It wasn’t that at all. I knew what I felt. And deep down, I had a sinking feeling she knew what I meant, too, but for whatever reason, she wasn’t going to agree with me. Maybe it was the same fear I’d sensed in her.
She covered my fingers with hers again. “Look, I know everything feels strange right now, but you’re in good hands. That’s all that matters. Especially during a time like this. We always had King Varis to rely on. Now we don’t. Take comfort in knowing you and your family will still be taken care of.”
The words should’ve soothed me. Instead, they landed like a lock clicking into place.
She might have been right, but it wasn’t enough. Not when my skin kept insisting something was wrong.
Gods, I wasn’t going to get an answer tonight. Not from her.
But perhaps there was one thing I could get her to clear up for my peace of mind. “Tell me one thing, please.”
“What is it?”
“Mother did a virginity test when I woke. She said I wasn’t a virgin.”
Her skin went pale, but I swore I caught a spark of wonder in her eyes.
“I thought I would have written it down,” I said hoarsely. “But I didn’t. The only other thing I would’ve done is tell you. Did I tell you? I just…” My throat tightened. “Was it Thayden?”
She smiled the first real smile of the evening and shook her head. “No, it wasn’t him.”
Blessed Mother.I shouldn’t have felt so relieved.
“No?” I bit back a smile.
“No.”
A darker thought crossed my mind. “I wasn’t attacked or anything, was I?”
“No.” Her fingers tightened around mine with reassurance. “I don’t know when you lost it, but knowing you… you would’ve been with someone you truly wanted to be with.”
Thank the Gods. “I wonder who it was.”
“I know this sounds bad,” she said quietly, and something like regret flickered across her face. “But it doesn’t matter now. It can’t.”
I nodded slowly. Again, she was right.
What did a forgotten love matter, when I was about to marry Thayden?
“Come on, eat your pie. Let’s just have this moment and enjoy it.”
