I turned and walked away, not looking back until I was safely in my car with my heels thrown on the passenger seat and the doors locked. I gripped the steering wheel, knuckles white as I closed my eyes and counted out loud to ten. The words did little to calm the anxiousness flowing through my veins, but I refused to dwell on this a second longer than necessary.
Yeah. Good luck with that, James.
Good fucking luck.
Chapter 20
Stupid. Idiotic. Fuckup.
Take your pick. I replayed the afternoon as if I expected my mind’s eye to show me a different version of what happened.
My boots crunched on the gravel that littered the pavement after I’d thrown the truck into park and stormed out of the lot beside the conference center. The evening light washed overthe looming lake in the background as the last rays of sunlight dipped below the still water. I was agitated, clenching my fists and feeling my pulse roar with every step. I pulled my hat off, running my hand through my hair and wiping the light sheen of sweat from my forehead.
I couldn’t relax until I saw her. Felt her. Ran my fingers over her smooth skin and caressed her cheek, ensuring she was unharmed. Unwanted visions plagued my mind, bringing forth images of her on my doorstep with swollen eyes and shaking hands, sharing her story of being fired after her bastard of a professor came on to her. He never put his hands on her—he wouldn’t have any left if he had—but the damage was done, like a part of her disappeared with that pink slip of paper that relieved her of her contract.
That samewrongnessI felt when I opened my front door and pulled her into my arms pulsed in time with my heart as the automatic doors to the conference center swished open, and the air conditioning cooled my overheated skin. My cell phone buzzed almost continuously, but I couldn’t be bothered to care. The messages could wait. Anyone else could wait. The only thing that mattered was getting to her.
That desperation to find her, interlaced with my shame at how quickly I let my temper carry me from the room, surrounded me like a wet blanket, making it feel like my boots were lined with lead. I replayed my anxiousness to get to her, becoming violently aware of how that emotion overruled common sense. When she questioned my actions, the Neanderthal part of my brain screamed to defend my decision.
The walk to my truck from the conference center, with my hands stuffed into the pockets of my fucking dirtyjeans,was like walking to my execution. I knew I screwed up. As the hateful words spewed,I knew,but like a bastard, I ignored the noise in my brain screamingwarning, danger imminent.
In my infinite stupidity, I didn’t have the good graces to shut up, so I decided the next best thing was to stick my finger in that sweet girl’s face and accuse her of things.
Things I knew weren’t true.
Things I knew would hurt her.
What did I expect? For her to run toward me, jumping in my arms and giggling that I was her knight in shining armor while leaving dirty handprints on her satin dress?
Perhaps I expected her to tug me closer, kissing my cheek and professing her thanks for saving her from the evil clutches of the governor’s board. Maybe to confess that she was done with online dating because she only wanted me, regardless of the way things were left after that failed dinner—that damn delicious dinner she made where I never gave her a chance to give me an answer.
Yes.
That was what I wanted.
I wanted her to kiss my cheek and introduce me as her boyfriend.
I wanted to sweep her into my arms and hold her close.
I wanted her to look at me every moment we were together like she looked at me when I called her ‘baby.’
I wanted her to love me as much as I loved her.
Well, fuck all.
Why did my brain jump from whatever we were to love? Was it a pathetic attempt to turn my lust into something more? I wanted Emma, certainly. Needed her, sure. But was I in love with her? I scoffed, wishing I was at home to drown these thoughts in a few fingers of whiskey. Tilting my head back against the headrest, I closed his eyes.
Love.That was big and bold and could lead to disappointment as easily as it could forever. It hurt, leaving wounds that madephysical scars pale into insignificance. I cared about her, but love?
Yes.
It made sense, clicking into place like that puzzle piece you found under the couch a week later so you couldfinallyfinish the five-hundred-piece monstrosity on the kitchen table.
I slammed my hands on the steering wheel of my truck and let out an agonizing groan. That was why I’d become an unrecognizable dick face.I fucking loved her—and had no idea how to deal with that realization.
I needed her in my life like I needed oxygen to breathe. I no longer wanted ‘his house’ and ‘her house.’ I wanted to live in a place we called our home. I wanted to wake up with her in my arms and fall asleep with my face buried in her curls. Still life images of us spending lazy Saturdays in bed and taking cooking classes every other Wednesday flashed before my eyes.
A seedling of what we could be had taken root in my brain, blooming with such fierce intensity it overruled my fears and insecurities. I’d wasted enough time trying to convince myself she was going to turn me down—better to stop her and push her away before she could prove me wrong.
