“Imagine all the people...”
“Benji, I’m serious—”
“Let’s get serious...”
“You know I love you, but if you don’t stop—”
“Nothing can stop me now!”
“I give up.”
“Well, you’re never gonna get anywhere with that attitude.”
I groan, and his lips lift in a sleepy smile—the only part of his face I can see since he pulled his beanie over his eyes to block the sun.
“You planned that,” I accuse.
He strikes a lazy chord, then sings, “Someone needs a brownie.”
Just the thought of more pot makes my stomach roll. I’ve been here a week, and thanks to Benji’s sympathetic parents, the first half of it was spent getting reacquainted with cannabis. They were just trying to help, but it ended up being more destructive than helpful. I need to face reality. “I don’t think so.”
“Your call.” He sighs. “I’m tired. And hungry.”
“You’re always tired and hungry.”
I glance at my phone when it buzzes beside me, then pick it up. My heart jolts when I see who texted me.
Grumpy: 10,080 ...
I laugh, but it’s weak, broken by the tightness in my chest.
My phone has been turned off all week, but as soon as I switched it back on an hour ago, I saw that Joshua had been texting me every day. The first one said:All right. I’ll give you time if it’s what you want. But if we’re counting, I’m gonna be thinking about you every minute.Each text since then, sent before he goes to school, has been the same. The number of minutes since he last saw me.
“Why the tears, Blues?”
“What?” I wipe my cheeks, examining the wetness on the back of my hand.
I didn’t know I was crying, but I shouldn’t be surprised. It keeps happening—crying at random throughout the day. But as I scan the text again, my heart thrumming harder as I do, I know this time isn’t random.
Not one bit.
Listen to me, Blue.
My feet pound against the dirt.
You are not a runner.
Wind whooshing through my ears like tornados.
I’m running in quicksand without legs.
I push myself like I never have.
In a life too big or too small for me.
Faster than I did last night, harder than the night before, more feral than I’ve ever been.
And without you as my crutch, I sink.
