“Dammit, Lou—” There’s a rumble beneath me, and I feel my knees go out in a way they have only once before. “I’ve already stepped through. I can’t stop it.”
“I . . .” I want to say something; I want to move, but I can’t. My muscles aren’t working properly, my throat is closing up.
The world’s gone black and ice-cold quicker than I can blink, and I no longer know which way is up or down or in between. The warmth of his arm disappears, and that heavy feeling of abandonment consumes me—but it’s different this time. Because this time, my body is shutting down. I can feel it; a stillness in my very being. Nothing is circulating within me.
My heart, it doesn’t beat.
My veins are pure ice.
In fact, everything within me feels as though it’s frozen. Yet there’s something else, too. Something hot I’ve never known before. An outer layer of fire dancing just beneath the surface of my skin. So thin it only teases the boundaries of my organs, never quite reaching them. The heat, I can feel so clearly the way it counteracts the ice inside me. The key to my survival. Like a machine made of invisible flames, it’s working every second I still breathe. The single thing that keeps me alive.
If you can even call this living.
My knees, they no longer wobble. A new, odd sort of strength fills me. One that tells me my bones are no longer jelly. They are now strong in this place. Yet still, I float. There’s no ground beneath me to land on, no wall to grab onto for leverage. Not another soul to reach out to. I simply exist. A frozen body floating through an endless desert.
Darkness watches me from every angle. My only friend. From its own place within the silence, it speaks to me in a strange way. It whispers secrets in my ear, telling me this is where I’m meant to be. It’s so certain, not a trace of doubt. And I think . . . I think it may be right.
“Lou . . .”
I hear my name, and I want to cringe. Though the sound is gentle, a deep voice in the shadows, my eardrums react like it’s fingernails on a chalkboard.
“Stay with me, Lou . . .”
Shhh, I want to yell.Make it stop. My hands ball into tight fists.
“Be strong . . .”
It’s quieter now. Fading more into the distance, and it’s so much nicer this way. My fingers relax, unclenching. This is good. I need the quiet. Only quiet belongs in this void with me.
Only shadows.
Only silence.
Something grabs onto my waist, and I gasp. A hand, it wraps around both sides of me.No! Do not disturb this place. Not when I’m meant to stay here. I wiggle away, trying to fight my way out of their grasp, but the hands only hold on tighter. Fear hits me like an electric shot, my eyes darting blindly around the darkness. I am not supposed to feel this way. I am not supposed to feel at all.Let me go!
“Shhh.”
It’s that voice again. It threatens me. Threatens to take me from this place. The only place I know. The only place I’ve ever known. I can’t go. I can’t go.
“You’re okay, you’re okay.”
I am not okay.You aren’t listening! I grab onto the large hands and squeeze, struggling to uncurl the fingers that grip me, but it’s useless. A strong arm snakes around my stomach until my back is pressed flat against a solid form. I squirm relentlessly against the tight embrace, refusing to leave the one place I know. Why aren’t I stronger? Why won’t it set me free?
My body lurches backward as the arms around me pull, and I shake against them as I start to cry. Please, I’m not meant to leave. I need the darkness. Another lurch, another tug, and every inch of separation from this world hurts my soul. I don’t want the hurt, the pain. No.
The numbness . . . at least I can still sense the numbness.
Chapter 36
Light flashes in my eyes. I squeeze them shut in an effort to block it out. It’s too much.
“Shhh.” That voice. It’s so soft, so gentle. How could a sound so sweet have hurt my ears before? “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
Fingers stroke the side of my waist in slow, soothing motions. An arm is still curled around me, a warm body pushed up against my back. I start to breathe again, one inhale at a time.It’s okay.I’m okay.
As though sensing my relief, the hold around me loosens, letting me go little by little. I let my eyes open. One by one, each piece of furniture comes into view.Myfurniture. My photographs above the mantle.
And then it clicks. Where I am, and who I’m with.
