I snapped my head up at Winder’s weak voice. A ghost of a smile curled his mouth, his eyes weak, but focused. Half dead, and he was still cracking jokes. “Winder, oh thank God.”
“Baby.” Winder coughed, and blood bubbled beneath my hand. “You were the best goddamn thing that ever happened to me.”
“Don’t talk like that. Like it’s in the past. An ambulance is coming, so you just need to stay with me until then, okay?” Myface was wet, and I realized I was sobbing, my tears mixing with the blood pooling beneath his body.
It felt fitting in a way. Everyone always thought love was gentle. Patient. Kind. Sweet. It wasn’t. Love was violent, the purest of any emotion, and firmly rooted in desperation. We fought for what we thought we deserved, whether it was true or not.
“I’ve been around the block long enough to know when a gunshot isn’t good, baby,” he whispered. “And you deserve to know how happy you’ve made me. No matter who you were to me, you were always the best thing in my life. I mean that.”
“I won’t let you go.” I squeezed his wrist, pressing my hand down harder like my flesh could repair his wound, like we were one. “I don’t know if I can do this without you.”
“You’ve been doing this without me your entire life, Blaire. You don’t need me. I’m nothing but a degenerate, and would just hold you back from your potential.” A weak hand covered mine on his side. “You’ve never needed me.”
“What are you talking about? You’re better than anyone else I know. Just because you don’t hide your darkness doesn’t make you a degenerate.” I sucked in a quick breath. “You brought me back to life. When I told you my heart beats because of you, I meant it. You saw a girl teetering on the edge of giving up, and coaxed her back, even if it meant I’d run away. I needed you. Istillneed you.”
“You don’t,” he repeated. “You had that strength all along. I only helped you realize it.”
“That’s not even close to the truth. You’re my other half,” I sobbed. “You want me to exist with only half of me? That isn’t possible.”
“Hey,” Winder murmured. I stared into his eyes, an elixir slowly losing its power. “Just because I might not be here, doesn’t mean I’m not with you. I’ll always be a part of you. We’rethe moon, remember? Just because you can’t see the other half doesn’t mean it’s not there. You’ll carry me with you, just like I carried you.”
“No. No, Winder. I can’t. I need you. I love you.” Winder’s skin was too pale, and the ambulance was taking too long.
“I’m not very good at flowers.” He smiled at me. “But I told you that already.”
“I don’t need the goddamn flowers, Winder. I just need you to stay with me.” I wiped my face of tears, before grabbing his wrist again. “You deserve a chance to live the life you always wanted. Not this.”
He laughed, so quietly I almost missed it. “I got to live the life I always wanted to. I got to hear you tell me you love me, again and again. I got to fall asleep next to the woman I dreamed about for a decade. I got to hear her dreams, and her fears, and the best part of all, I got to see her find herself again.”
I shook my head, barely able to see through the tears. “It’s not enough. It wasn’t enough time!” I hated myself for speaking in the past tense without thinking.
“An eternity with you wouldn’t be enough time, but I’ve been around for long enough to know to be grateful for what I had. And if this is all I get with you right now, I’ll carry it with me to my next life. Love like this doesn’t just die, Blaire. It carries through years, lives, galaxies. I’ll find you again.” Winder looked up at me, nothing but pure love radiating through his gaze. “I promise you, I’ll find you again. And again. And again. I’ll find you as many times as I have to.”
“I don’t deserve you. You deserve so much better than this. You deserve to know what it felt like to be loved for who you are every day for the rest of your life.”
“You gave me that, Blaire,” he said, exhaling a shuddering breath. “Will you talk to me?”
“About what?” I couldn’t control my sobbing. I didn’t know how to do any of this without him, thrown back into a reality I’d forgotten for years. This life wasn’t for me, unless I had him.
“Tell me the story of us.” Winder closed his eyes, the smile still on his face as I held his hand. “My words kept you going when you thought nothing was left. Maybe your words will have the same kind of magic…”
His words trailed off as he slipped into unconsciousness.No. No. No.I wouldn’t let those words be his last. I couldn’t.
“I don’t think I knew what love was supposed to feel like until you,” I began, voice shaking. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say.The story of us.Gaps and all.
Winder’s chest was barely moving, but I couldn’t focus on anything but the words that would keep him going. My words about us. So I sat next to him, holding the faintest pulse in his wrist, telling him everything I thought had been forgotten. I told him the story of us, or what I knew of it. He’d fill in the gaps one day. He was good like that.
I took a breath, breathing for both of us. “The day we met, when Oliver took me to meet you, you were so different from him in your dark clothes, and the way you watched everything and everyone. Oliver wore everything on his sleeve, which I realize was the biggest charade of all now. But you…I’d never experienced someone with your energy before. You were a magnet I found myself drawn to again and again, even though I knew I shouldn’t be. That’s always the way it works, isn’t it? I couldn’t get you out of my mind, no matter how hard I tried. Instead, I convinced myself you saw me as a little sister, someone who needed looking after, not someone you could love.”
Somewhere in the distance, sirens wailed, and I pleaded with the impossible all-seeing being I’d never believed in before this very moment that they were ambulances coming for Winder.
“The day at the barbeque, when I was angry. I remember now, because Oliver had a bit too much to drink. He snapped at me in front of all his friends, something cruel I’ve blocked out completely. It was the first time I’d seen him lose his temper, but I think we both know it was simmering beneath the surface all along, waiting for a reason to expose itself. But then you showed up, watching through the glass door, and I knew I was okay. I’d always associated you with safety. You were my safe place, before I even knew I needed one.” I laughed, shaking my head. “You were saving my ass even then.”
The sirens were closer. I wasn’t sure how I would explain all the bodies, but I didn’t care. Someone had to listen to me. I’d make them, with or without Winder.
“When we said goodbye, for the last time, I couldn’t get over the feeling something was inherently wrong. I know now what that feeling was. I was splitting my heart in half, my soul in two, but how would I ever have explained that to you then? That I didn’t want to let go of someone I couldn’t ever have.” I sobbed quietly, staring down at Winder’s still body. “Please don’t leave me. I’ve just found you again.”
The door flung open, and paramedics rushed in. The world went blurry, my vision narrowed down to just Winder’s unresponsive body. He was the only thing that mattered, the only thing that ever mattered, but I didn’t need my memories back to know that. I screamed while they carried him out, someone else wrapping me in an itchy blanket.
