“Well I guess it’s not as simple as that, is it?” Winder hesitated, rolling over on the bed to face me. “Would I go back to the beginning? Like this life? Would I be a different person? Or would it be me, all over again, just with all the knowledge of what I fucked up the first time around?”
I left my moon, rolling over to look into his eyes, an ocean I never wanted to leave. Being lost and confused wasn’t so bad when I had Winder to act as an anchor. “You. You’d be you, in this lifetime, just starting over with all the information you have now. All the choices you made originally, you know how they’d turn out.”
He swiped his thumb across his lips. “I don’t think it’s as simple as that, Blaire.”
“Why not?” My chest was caught in a snare, tightening on my lungs. “I just can’t help but feel like maybe I’d do it right the second time around. I’d fix everything I did wrong, you know? I just don’t know…I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with this weight for the rest of my life. There has to be some kind of out. Some kind of fix. There has to be.” My voice broke, and I sucked in a deep breath. I wasn’t going to break. Not now.
“I don’t think you get to keep everything the second time around. Butterfly effect, right? The smallest decisions will make the biggest differences. You might think you’re taking a different route home from school, then ten years later you never met your soulmate. Could you live with that?” Winder’s voice was little more than a whisper, and it sent a shiver over my body.
The nightmares that messed me up so badly seemed like the worst thing at the time. But without them, I would’ve never met Winder again.
“I’m sorry.” The tears were coming now, hot and fast. There was no way to go back in time, but accepting going forward was just as hard. I wanted time to freeze me in place, so I didn’t have to face the consequences. The butterfly effect was coming for me hard, and I couldn’t even remember what I did to deserve it.
I sniffed. “I must sound ridiculous. I’m sorry for bothering you.” Maybe this moment could be one of the things I fixed the second time around, not pushing away the only person who didn’t mind my nonsensical rambling.
Winder’s smile was sad, a smile that had been broken and patched back together a dozen times, and was trying to remember how to work. “Bothering me? Baby, I’m trying to tell you that I don’t want you to start over, because then I wouldn’t have you as you are now.”
My heart cracked open, a sieve of emotions I didn’t bother trying to contain. “But…”
Winder grabbed my chin between his finger and thumb. “But, nothing. I don’t want the you that you think you should be. You’re perfect as you are now. You’re so quick to dismiss yourself because of your scars and bruises. Did you ever stop for a second to think about how beautiful they make you?”
I was silent, unable to make a sound.
“Look.” His free hand drifted to the ceiling, where our makeshift moon hung, a dream within reach. “Do you think the moon would be half as beautiful if we held it to our standards of perfection?”
“No,” I whispered, my eyes wide. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. We saw the same moon.
“Blaire.” My name was no longer a demand on Winder’s lips. It was a caress. A whispered secret in the dark of night. “This life might not be perfect. But I wouldn’t want to start over for a second. I wouldn’t risk this time with you for a single moment, not for the years I spent in jail. Not for the months I watched youon my brother’s arm, knowing you should be withme. Baby, do you know how many things had to go wrong for you to be here in my arms?”
I didn’t know how to make sense of the feelings building in my core, so I gave him the only words that I could grasp. “I love you.”
Winder was quiet, his eyes growing bright in the dim room. “I’ve waited so long to hear you say those words. I thought it was a lost cause. A girl like you would never be with someone like me.” He licked his bottom lip, sucking in a quiet breath. “I’ve loved you for as long as I’ve known you, Blaire. I love you no matter where you go, or what happens next. You think you’re broken. That you’re missing pieces. You’ve never been missing anything. I’ve just been carrying them for you.”
He rolled on top of me, pressing his forehead to mine. “We’re two halves of the moon, you and I. Just because you can’t see all the pieces doesn’t mean they aren’t there.”
My lungs forgot how to breathe, and my heart forgot how to beat. “How long have you felt this way?”
Winder smiled, and I could feel the outline on it against my skin. “Too long, baby. Far too long, and I had nowhere for it all to go. I told you before it eats away at you, and I meant that. I’m pretty sure the only thing that’s left of me are my feelings for you.”
Suddenly desperate to feel his lips on mine, I pulled him down for a brief kiss. “Something feels weird, and I’m not sure I can explain it.”
“Try.”
“I think…” I took a deep breath of our shared air. “I think it’s because you’ve loved me for so long. You know so much about me. And for me…it’s just now. Something inside me knew I could trust you. Something told me it was okay. But I don’t have all those explicit memories like you do. I don’t know if I’m jealousyou’ve had more time, or if I’m guilty I don’t feel like what I have is enough for you.”
“You’ve always been enough for me, even when you weren’t mine,” he whispered. “As for me…does it feel enough for you?”
“Yes,” I breathed.
“Then it’s enough for me. The rest will come, baby. I might have waited ten years for this, but we’ve got the rest of our lives for me to show you how we belong together. I’ll remind you every goddamn day if I have to.” Winder laughed. “Although, I’m not very good at the whole flowers thing.”
I couldn’t help but join in, the laugh escaping from somewhere deep in my core. “No. You’re better at disposing of dead bodies.”
“Hey!” He pushed away from me in false indignation. When he spoke again, his voice was softer, made of silk. “If you want flowers, baby, I’ll bring you flowers every day. I’ll do whatever you want, so long as you never leave me again.”
“I don’t need flowers, Winder.” I placed a hand on either side of his face. “I just need you.”
Winder didn’t respond, but leaned close to press the lightest of kisses against my lips. I meant what I said. Right now, in this moment, I didn’t need anything else. I didn’t need to get high. I didn’t need my memories, or the guilt that came with them.
