“Don’t be. It’s in the past now.” Even if it did cut me every time I thought about how foolish I was. “Besides, I’m a sidewinder, remember? I used it to my advantage. I took the fall for Conrad’s guy, so when I left when I got out, it wasn’t questioned. I’ve always kept him on my good side. I just made it clear I needed to run solo for a bit. As long as I kept my mouth shut, we were cool.”
“But now…” Blaire looked at the bathtub where Leon had bled out earlier.
“But now, I’m hiding you,” I agreed. “And if it really is him looking for you, and I’m protecting you, well…that’s a slight he’s not going to accept.”
“You don’t have to protect me, Winder. I don’t want my actions to fall back on you, especially if you’ve been on his good side.” She pushed her hair away from her face. “These are my mistakes, and I should handle them on my own.”
My mouth turned up into something not quite a smile. “Baby, alive or dead, you’ve never been on your own. Haven’t you realized that by now?”
Tears sat, not yet spilled, behind Blaire’s eyes. “Winder. I can’t ask you to risk it all for me like that.”
I rose, and offered her my hand. “You’re not asking. I’m telling. Come on, let’s go to bed.”
And in the space between my heartbeats, the space where she had lived for the last ten years, she took my hand.
We dozed,off and on, in each other’s arms, and by the time the sun came up I had a plan. If Conrad really was behind all this, there was one man who would know for sure. I’d ask around, see where he’d be, and then I’d take Blaire with me to meet him.
I didn’t like taking her with me to meet with the people I dealt with on a daily basis, especially after what happened with Leon, but we were past the point where I had options.
Blaire wasn’t getting any better. I wouldn’t say it aloud, but I didn’t think she would stop killing until she got what she wanted—either Conrad, or the truth. Each blackout ate away at her a little more, a night terror that couldn’t be wiped clean. What I told her was the truth, but it was incomplete. Even so, it didn’t make any difference to me. But I could see it eating away at her, little by little, and that killed me. I couldn’t lose her again, not when she’d just come back to me.
At this point, I had to find Conrad before I lost her completely.
Chapter
Twenty-Six
BLAIRE
Adjusting to the knowledge you were a murderer was trickier than I thought. I expected to be sad, upset, angry, and then to move through the rest of the stages of grief, as if I was mourning my old self.
Instead, I found myself even more desperate to forget the fact that I had forgotten.
I wanted those memories back.
I didn’t want to remember anything ever again.
Winder left early in the morning, pressing a kiss to my head, and whispering he’d be back. I didn’t know where he was going, and he didn’t offer. Sometimes, it was better for me not to know. But now I was alone in his room, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.
I rolled back and forth in Winder’s bed, wanting the feelings to stop, just for a moment. A minute was all I needed, a minute of feeling nothing, and then I could get back to reality.
We’re taught from a young age to numb the pain, and it’s so engrained in us we don’t even stop and think about it. Pain medicine before a headache begins becomes an ice cube to freeze the ear before a piercing that turns into drinking before abreakup. The funnel is right there in front of us, laid out, clear as day. And still we fight it. Right now, I didn’t feel like fighting it.
Winder had to have something in this room to help me turn off my emotions for a second. I got to my feet, and started to scour the room.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. My search turned up a big fat zero. Winder had nothing in his room except for piles of clothes that needed to be washed, and a ratty teddy bear I found in the closet.
I smiled, putting the teddy back into the corner I found it in. I had a feeling the teddy bear would ruin any street cred he might have, but I was willing to hold it as ammunition until the time was right.
Nothing in the bedside drawer, drug-wise at least. Everything else under the sun was stuffed in there.
I was going to have to go outside. I tapped my foot, debating my options. Winder would be pissed, but who knew when he would be back. I really didn’t want to hang out with my thoughts for any longer than I had to. They were soloud.
Outside it was. He wouldn’t even know.
I peeked out into the living room. There was only one random guy on the sofa still, snoring. He would be useless to me. Slipping out of the bedroom, I crept toward the front door, where there always seemed to be people hanging around.
Sure enough, when I swung it open wide, five or six people stared back at me.
