I did this.
I didallof this.
I wrapped my arms around my body as if I could hold myself together, stop myself from falling apart. If only it were that easy.
Winder wrapped his arms around me, somehow knowing I wasn’t enough on my own.
“It was all real,” I mumbled. “Every single one of my dreams. They were real. I knew it, and yet seeing it…”
“It’s completely different,” Winder agreed. “And you’re right. The chances are high that your dreams are real. I don’t know if they’re flashbacks or blackouts. I don’t know if you’re seeing what happened before, or if it’s happening now. That’s where I went yesterday. I’m trying to figure it out.”
I was done. My body attempted to sag to the floor, Winder holding me up. “I’m a killer, Winder.”
“You did what you had to do to survive.”
I pushed away from him, whipping around. “And what puts my survival above someone else’s? Why does someone have to die so I can live?”
Winder stayed quiet for a moment, while I stewed in my fury, then tipped his head toward Leon’s lifeless body. “You want to know about the man in the bathtub? Let me tell you a story about him. About how he has a taste for women who would never look twice at him. So he’s learned how to get them hooked on what he can offer them instead. Starts them off with the easy stuff, laced with the addictive shit. And before you know it, they’re coming back for more, unable to reach the high they did with someone else’s product. He gets them addicted, then uses their addiction to his advantage. He uses them up, until there’s nothing left of them, and starts the process over.”
I thought back to the woman slumped on his lap, the way she didn’t even seem to be there. She was nothing more than a shell.
“Tell me, Blaire. Is that a man who deserves to live over you? Because you’re right. He would’ve told Conrad, if he hadn’t already. He was a liability to your safety, to your survival. Take a hard look at him, and tell me he deserved to live instead of you.” Winder crossed his arms, and his snake jumped with the movement.
“I can’t,” I murmured. “I want to. I want to tell you that you’re wrong more than anything. But I can’t.”
“Good girl.”
I wanted to drop to my knees at those words, do whatever it took for Winder to say them again. But I was covered in blood, and the bathroom floor wasn’t any better. “What do we do?”
“First we dispose of the body. Then we find Conrad.” Winder’s voice was matter-of-fact, like he had done this before, and it meant nothing to him. He could’ve been discussing dinner plans, or taking out the garbage.
Which I guess in a way, we were.
I swallowed, wiping my hands on Winder’s shirt. I didn’t want to know if they were wet with sweat or blood. “Okay. Do we bury him?”
Winder pursed his lips, looking from the body to me, and back again. “Sinking him in the river might be our best option. Leon is pretty well known for stirring up shit in my circles. No one will question him going missing, and less will question if he’s dredged up in the river.”
“River. Right.” My fingers were shaking. I tapped them on my side, like it would hide the movements from Winder.
He pinned me immediately, and his face softened. “Blaire. I can handle this myself, if you want to get cleaned up and go back to bed.”
“No, no. I can do this. I can…” I sucked in a deep breath, trying to steady my useless lungs. “I need to. I can’t run away from this.”
Winder stepped closer, running a finger along my jaw. “Are you sure you’re okay? Be honest with me.”
“No.” My voice cracked. “But I have to be. I don’t have a choice anymore. My body feels like it’s trying to turn itself inside out, and my heart is running a marathon it hasn’t trained for, and there’s no fucking air in this fucking bathroom!”
“First things first, you’re going to breathe for me. Can you do that? In and out.”
I did my best to focus on my breathing, even while it felt like everything was going to crumble around me.
Winder picked me up, and set me on the small vanity. “Next, we’re going to try something different to get you to stay on this planet.” His hands gripped my thighs, pushing the T-shirt up higher, and my eyes went wide.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I hissed, sucking in another breath. “There’s a dead body right there, and you’re thinking about getting off?”
It felt so wrong, but when Winder sank to his knees in front of me and pressed a kiss against my hip, I couldn’t find it in me to stop him.
“I’m not thinking about gettingmeoff. I’m thinking about gettingyouoff.” Winder pushed the shirt higher, leaving me completely bared to him. My breath was coming quicker, but it didn’t feel like it was from the anxiety. “You were the calmest I’ve ever seen you last night. You want to be a stubborn ass and help me, great, but you’re no use to me if you’re an anxious mess. So let me help you, and then you can help me.”
