I needed a distraction, from both the situation at hand, and the feelings beginning to swirl in my core. “Where does your name come from?”
“My name?” His hand stopped stroking, like he realized what he was doing, who he was touching, but it didn’t move away.
For that, I was grateful. His hand on mine might be the only thing keeping me from spiraling at the moment. “Yeah. Winder. It’s pretty unusual.”
“Oh.” I couldn’t be certain, but I would’ve sworn there was a touch of relief in his voice. “It’s a nickname, more than anything. But I’ve had it for so long, I don’t know any different.”
“Even for a nickname, it’s unique.”Winder. I mouthed the word, letting it sit. “Who came up with that?”
“Are you sure you want to know? It’s not exactly a nice story.” He pulled his hand away entirely.
Maybe I said the wrong thing.
Just like that, his hand was back, this time gripping mine lightly, like he wasn’t sure how to touch. “I got in with the wrong people when I was younger. Stupid. Impressionable. My family tried to pull me back more than once, but I was too far gone. They tried to tell me what a mess I was in, offered me help and everything, but I just couldn’t hear it.”
“What kind of people?” I asked.
“Distributors. People at the top of the food chain. They’re the dealer’s dealers. And when a sale went wrong, I was left to take the blame.” He sucked in a breath. “Do you ever wish you had a time machine? To go back in time with 20/20 vision?”
“All the time.” I laughed. If only he knew how much I wished for that. “What happened?”
“My loyalty was in the wrong place. I thought I was proving something to someone, who really didn’t care. They sentencedme to ten years, but I got out on good behavior. Really, it was me learning how to work the system. I got what I wanted out of people. I started making a bit of a name for myself, of talking my way out of things, you know?”
“I can see that.” He had an air about him. An aura that drew people in, even as he pushed them back.
“Winder, they called me.” His laugh was soft, but there was no humor in it. “After I got out, I looked it up. It’s a kind of snake. A sidewinder. Instead of forward, they move sideways through the sand. Zig-zagging. It draws their prey in, but also makes them harder to catch. At the time, it felt like it fit. Now, I wouldn’t know anything else.”
I thought of the snake tattooed on his body, covering so much of his skin. “Why do you do it now, then? Sell drugs, I mean, since you’ve already been caught.”
“What else was I supposed to do? I had a record. A reputation. At least in this world, my reputation served me well. Out there…it would be a black mark. Here, it gives me control. Power.”
A knot tangled in my stomach, emotions for a boy I didn’t know, and the hopeless decision he felt he had to make. No wonder he wanted a time machine.
“I’ve wished I could turn the clock back more times than I could count,” I said softly. “Start over. Especially now. Maybe I’d remember everything I’ve forgotten.” Another tear slipped down my cheek, unbidden.
“But you can’t,” he murmured. A quick squeeze of my hand, a reminder he was there, and like it or not, there was a similarity between us neither of us wanted to acknowledge.
“No. I can’t.”
It was a strange feeling. Everything I thought I knew had been thrown out the window, leaving me picking up tiny shards of glass that cut me when I tried to put them back together. ButWinder grasping my hand, giving me pieces of himself seemed to fill in the gaps. My anxieties were quiet, recognizing the safety we had been offered. I might have been broken, but I hadn’t felt this kind of peace in the longest time.
“How did you know I was sleepwalking?” I mumbled, my body’s need for rest taking over everything.
His answer was immediate, and his voice was matter of fact. “You called for help. I thought you had gotten yourself into trouble.”
“You came just because I asked for help,” I mused, sleep beginning to blur the edges between dream and reality. “You do a lot for a girl you barely know.”
Winder sighed, a quiet, mournful sound. A sound filled with regret and a sadness that would’ve broken my heart if it had been whole. When he spoke, his words were so quiet they nearly blended in with the wind brushing against the windows. “I’m just paying a debt I’ve owed for a long time.”
I didn’t have the energy to respond, and besides, I wasn’t even sure if I heard him correctly. My eyes stayed closed, Winder’s words cycling through my brain. I wasn’t sure if I was asleep, but I definitely wasn’t awake. The images came one after the next, a slideshow I couldn’t stop.
Winder’s face, filled with concern.
A gun, still smoking.
Blood.
Sorry.
