I'm back home. The door clicks shut behind me, and suddenly it is too quiet. I stand in my room for a second. I run a hand through my hair.
He looked like he was trying not to fall apart in front of me. And what did I do? I told him he never tries. I told him he makesit harder. Like he hasn't spent his whole life already fighting to survive people like my dad.
God, I am so, so stupid.
I hate the sound of my own voice in my head. And what breaks me isn't the fight. It's how gently he asked to be alone. How calm his voice was, like he was trying to protect me from whatever else he had to say. I sit on the floor. I never wanted him to change. I just wanted him to be safe. To be accepted. But maybe in trying to make it easier...
I just made it lonelier.
Gio
I can't fucking breathe. My fists are clenched and I swear to God if I stay in this house for another second I'm gonna scream.
What the fuck just happened. I told him to go. I meant it. I told him I needed space.
But now he's gone and I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Why do I always do this? Why can't I just shut the fuck up for once and let something good stay? He didn't even yell.
He just stood there, looking at me like I was slipping through his hands and he could't stop it. And I still pushed him out the door.
Because I'm scared.
Because I'm tired. Because I'm so fucking tired of being the one everyone tolerates instead of wants. They don't say it. But they don't have to. I see it. I feel it. Like I'm something they put up with. Like I'm dirt they can't scrub off the floor.
Too wild. Too loud. Too angry. Too fucking broken.
And Rava…Rava never looked at me like that. Never once made me feel like I have to dial it down or clean myself up. Not even when he saw me after all these years.
He touches me like I’m not disgusting. Speaks to me like I make sense. And now he has to leave. He's going back to Canada. In a few weeks he'll be gone and I'll still be here, in this same fucking room, trying to pretend it doesn't matter. Trying to act like I didn't fall so fucking hard for someone who was never meant to stay. And what's left for me?
What the fuck is left after this?
Another life full of gold, but still emptier than ever. Another silent night. And the only good thing I have, the only person who makes me feel like maybe I’m not completely fucked, is walking away. Not because he wants to. Because life’s just that cruel.
And I'm supposed to just take it. Again. Like always. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows on my knees, fingers tangled in my hair. He's probably out there again. On the balcony. With Noah. With his dad. Laughing. Sipping iced tea or some shit. Being the good son. The golden boy.
I'm just the asshole hidden behind closed doors. I hate this feeling. Jealousy or whatever the fuck it is. It makes me think things I shouldn't. Like how I'll never be allowed to sit out there with them. How I'll always be the mistake in the shadows.
The bad decision Rava makes when no one's looking.
…
The door clicks and I jerk upright, straightening out fast. My face probably still looks like shit but I force the smirk on anyway.
"Daddy Gio," Lorenzo's voice drags out like a damn cartoon. "Why the hell are you hiding in here like a sad little vampire?" He walks in with that cocky grin, followed by Daisy, who shuts the door behind her and plops on the armchair.
"Weird how you and Rava aren't currently making out in some dark alleyway, you always disappear like horny raccoons."
I let out a dry laugh and shake my head. "He's busy." I lean back on my elbows, eyes on the ceiling. "He's outside, you know. Strengthening the family bond. Having abonding momentwith Noah and your dad."
Daisy freezes. Subtle, but I catch it. Girl's sharp. She looks at me a little too long. Lorenzo doesn't notice a thing. He's busy messing with something on the dresser. I keep my voice light. "Didn't wanna interrupt. Would've ruined the vibes."
Because that's what I do, right? I ruin shit. I'm the guy you kiss when no one's watching. And maybe that's the real problem. Because I don't wanna kiss him in secret anymore.
I wanna kiss him like I fucking mean it.
Like I'm proud. Like he's mine.
But I can't. Because his dad would rather gut me.
