And maybe he feels it too. Because slowly…he goes quiet. I feel his breath change. He lifts his head just slightly, enough to meet my eyes. And something's different now. His smile is softer.
"We're having too much fun," he says quietly.
I blink. "Yeah? That's kind of the point." He doesn't smile this time. Just looks at me like he's trying to memorize something. "It's gonna make it worse."
My stomach drops. "What?"
He pulls back, just a little. Not off me. But away enough that I feel the cold rush in. "When I leave," he says. And it's fucking back.
That crack in the glass. That stupid little voice neither of us wants to hear tonight. I stare at him. Still holding his waist. Still hard. Still madly in love.
And I don't say anything. Because I know he's right. And I fucking hate it. He's sitting on the edge of the bed now, just a few inches away but suddenly feeling miles.
His fingers are laced together like he's physically holding himself back. He knows that if he lets go he'll crawl right back onto me.
And I'm just staring at him, trying not to fall apart while pretending I'm totally cool with all this. "So," I start, "what exactly are you suggesting? That we…count?"
He glances at me. "Count?"
"Kisses," I say. "Touches. Eye contact. Gotta keep it under control, right?"
He lets out a weird laugh-sigh. "I mean…it sounds stupid when you say it like that."
"Itisstupid," I mutter. "But here we are."
"I don't know," he says finally. "Maybe we just… make some kind of plan."
"A plan," I repeat flatly.
"For not touching each other."
"Yeah."
"Okay," I nod, trying to play along, even though every part of me wants to scream. "So like…no kissing after dark? Unless it's, what—accidental?"
"Accidental kisses?" he says, a little amused.
"It could happen," I shrug. "You trip, I fall, our mouths collide. Boom. Innocent." He bites his lip to hide a smile, but I can see it trying to break through. "All right," he says. "Rule one: no kissing after dark."
"Unless it's a full moon," I add.
He chuckles. "Sure. Full moon exception."
"And rule two…" I pretend to think. "No cuddling. Ever again. Unless one of us is, like, emotionally compromised or has hypothermia."
"Can I claim hypothermia if I just miss your body heat?" I glance at him, dead serious.
"You're already breaking the spirit of the rules, man."
We both laugh, but it dies too fast. Because the room's still full of heat. The air is still thick. He's still there, and I still want to reach out, and we're pretending this isn't torture.
"Do we even know how to do this?" he asks softly. "The…not being close thing?"
"Nope," I say immediately. "Not even a little."
He nods, looking down at his hands. And I swear, the only reason I don't pull him back into my lap is because I know the second I do…none of these rules will mean a damn thing.
He stands up. Adjusts his glasses. I sit there. Watching him. Every part of me screaming.
