And the worst thing now.
I almost told him I love him.
In the middle of sex…
I tried to gaslight myself afterward. Told myself it was just the heat of the moment, the adrenaline, it didn’t count. But I know me. I know my fucked up little heart. It wasn't just that. And now I'm…desperate, honestly.
Because I can't afford to be in love with him. I tried to ignore it. I swear I did. Every time I felt it creep in, I'd shove it back down. Because if I let myself say it out loud, then it becomes real. And if it's real, then I've already broken the agreement.
What if I tell him and he pulls away? What if it scares him? He's not like me. He probably doesn't do love. Especially with someone who has to be back in Canada by September 15th. If I go too far, if I say the wrong thing, if I show too much…he'll leave. And I can't have that. I'd rather pretend I don't feel anything than lose what little I have of him.
So I keep pretending it's just lust. That I don't care. That I can handle this.
That all these feelings building inside me will eventually go away if I just don't look at them too closely. But they won't.
And deep down, I know it.
I have to tell Noah about this. I completely forgot, oh my God. He is going to be so surprised. I close the door quietly, then double-check the lock. Everyone else is asleep, or pretending to be. I don't want to risk it.
I sit down by the window, pull my knees up, and stare out into the dark garden as I tap on Noah's contact. My finger hovers for a second before I hit "Call." He picks up immediately.
"Yoooo! You alive or did the mafia eat you?? What's up, Rome-o?"
I laugh. Fuck.
"Hey. Sorry I didn't call sooner."
"You're damn right you didn't. I've been dying over here. I thought I sent you off to flirt with him, not disappear into the witness protection program."
I exhale slowly, rubbing the back of my neck.
"Well yeah about that…you know that whole fake kiss idea you had?"
"…Yeah?"
"It didn't stay fake."
"…WHAT."
"Yeah." I smile, embarrassed. "We…kind of kept going. And then we didn't stop."
He goes silent again. Then comes the gasp. "Rava. RAVA. No way. No actual way. You—? With him? What the hell, are you serious? Like…doing stuff-stuff?"
"Yes. Everything." I bite my lip trying not to smile too hard."Everything."
"EVERYTHING?! RAVA WHAT THE HELL, DUDE."
He's practically shouting. "I told you to fake kiss him to piss her off, not start an affair of the century!"
"It's not like I planned it—"
"Wait wait wait. First of all, is he hotter in person?"
"Oh, man…"
"Be honest, or I hang up right now."
I groan into my hand. "He's…unbelievably hot. It's almost unfair. Stupidly hot. He's the definition of beauty, actually."
