At least when they say, "If you do A, B, C," something actually happens at the end.
Here, it feels like, "Do A, B, C, D, E, F, G, sacrifice your soul, wait ten years, andmaybeyou'll get half a contract if someone retires or dies."
Why is it so hard to understand that I didn't want to build my entire life on that? They don't get that choosing this was also choosing them. Because what was the other option, really?
Stay near Gio, near my family, sure. Physically close. But constantly stressed, constantly hoping that "one day" I'll get the call that says, "Congratulations, you can finally do the job you've wanted since you were a kid."
How long before that stress eats everything?? Before it turns me bitter, resentful, exhausted. Before I start snapping at the people I love because I'm stuck and it's not their fault but they're the ones in front of me.
Do they seriously think that would've been better? That some half-version of me, frustrated and trapped, would be more present than the version of me who's far but actually building something?
I want to be the guy who comes back and says, "I did it. I got the job. I can stand in a classroom and actually teach." Notthe guy who shows up to dinner like, "Yup, still waiting. Still temporary. Still maybe next year."
And do they really think I don't miss them? Like, honestly. Do they think I get off on walking through a city where nobody knows me?
Where I can't just bump into Daisy at a store or Jin at some random bus stop. Do they think I like counting time zones in my head to see when it's okay to call?
Do they think I enjoy watching my mother's face glitch on video call because the Wi-Fi sucks and I miss half of what she says?
Do they really think I chose loneliness on purpose? If there was a master's program in Italy that gave me similar security, similar respect for my profession, do they think I wouldn't have taken it?
I walk over and kneel in front of my mom, resting my hands on her knees. "Mom," I say gently, "what I'm doing now…it's so I can get placed in a school in two or three years. Not twenty-three."
She stares at me for a second. Then lets out a soft laugh while wiping her eyes.
"Right. Of course. That makes sense," she murmurs, brushing her fingers through my hair, trying not to cry. "I'm so proud of you, Rava," she says. "For everything. You're incredible, and your future students…they'll be the luckiest little kids in the world."
I wasn't planning to cry. But I feel it building in my throat.
It burns. I bite the inside of my cheek, nodding. Then Daisy barges in. "Ehhhh?! Don't have a family moment without me, you traitors." She throws her arms around both of us dramatically, and I can't help but laugh through the tears.
Jin appears at the door, debating whether he's allowed to be soft today. He ends up coming over and hugging us too, awkward but warm. Mom sniffs, looking at all of us.
"You see? The four of us…we're doing just fine. I'm so proud of you. All of you. You're such wonderful kids." Then she pauses. "I just wish your father ever saw it."
I take her hand. "Don't be sad. He didn't deserve to."
That makes everyone smile. Even her. Then Daisy eyes me sideways. "Sooo... you and Gio. What are you two gonna do?"
I sigh. I don't answer right away, because there is no easy answer. No clear next step. We are just two guys in love with the world trying to literally pull us apart.
"We're... figuring it out," I say finally. "Even we don't know yet. But we'll find a way. I promise." Mom stands and strokes my cheek. "We don't have much time left. When you're ready…let's head to the car."
I nod. I'm definitelynotready. But I nod anyway.
I zip my shoulder bag too, and take one long look around the room. God, it looks empty. Not physically, everything's still here, but it feels empty. Like it's already mourning me. I sigh, throw myself face-first onto the bed, and stretch out like a starfish.
My spine lets out a crack of gratitude. Finally. After hours of packing, crouching, folding, organizing. I let my cheek sink into the pillow, try to freeze time for just one more minute.
Bang.
Something lightly hits the back of my head. What the flip. I turn my face to the side.
Oh? It's Gio.
Sitting at my bedroom door. Wearing those gray sweatpants that should be illegal, low on his hips, and definitely not hiding a damn thing. Black tight tee that hugs his chest and his arms.
I blink. Nope. Real. Unfortunately.
