And because I can’t lie to myself anymore.
I need to know what is on the other side of those revelations that are so clearly on his horizon.
As mad as I’ve been at this kid, as much as I am going to make him pay for what he’s pulled… I still love him. I always have. I might fucking hate him right now, but the depth of that hate, those feelings, it just goes to show how much love there is for him inside of me. It wouldn’t have hurt so bad if I didn’t feelso goddamn muchfor him in the first place.
And try as I might’ve, I can’t just flick a switch and stop caring about him. Stop loving him.
Blaming his behavior on being triggered by seeing me with a boyfriend for the first time in his life would be making excuses that he doesn’t deserve. Trust me when I say I’m not going to run into his waiting arms and let him get away with this shit.
He has alongway to go to get back in my good graces.
But it isn’t fair to Spencer to keep stringing him along, to keep this facade up of a happy couple when I know my heart belongs to my best friend.
Somehow, with the realization that his heart might just be mine too, that he is starting to see what I’ve always known…it’s changed everything for me. The picture I was trying so hard to keep in front of me? The one of a happy future for me and Spencer…that vision has been shattered, and there’s no going back to the mindset I had only yesterday. I can’t keep up the pretense anymore.
I tried to love Spencer, and I did a pretty good job enjoying our time together, but it just isn’t right. Unfaithful is such a dirty word, but last night, I had the realization slam into me that it’s exactly what my head and my heart have been to him. I can’t keep going like this. That’s not who I am. It’s not what he deserves.
As I paced, as I laid in bed, then got up and paced again, I thought about every possible way to move forward from here. None of them are good. None feel like something where everyone wins. We will all get hurt. But I need to be honest with myself, with Spencer. He’s earned that, and I can’t do any more wrong by him.
By the time the sun crests the peaks of the distant Blue Ridge mountains—far, far outside my bedroom window—illuminating the treetops and turning them golden in the early morning light, I know what I have to do.
I’m waitingoutside the entrance to Spencer’s apartment when he strolls up to it, whistling, just after seven. There’s a smart somewhere deep inside my ribcage at the sight of him. Happy,calm (always calm), at peace with himself, his life. My knees buckle as a wave of chickening out hits me. I don’t want to be the one to take his joy away from him. But once I realized I’ve been lying to myself, lying to him… I can’t live with that, either. So I’m here to do what needs to be done. And I’m willing to pay the penance for my part in all of this, whatever that looks like.
It takes him a few seconds to notice me, his eyes down on his black messenger bag, slung over one shoulder and across his chest. By the time he’s scavenged his keys out of his bag, his reusable water bottle in his other hand, he looks up and takes me in, and a damn smile breaks out across his face.Who is this guy?He’s too pure for this world, honestly.
“Hey you,” he calls out to me, in this wholesome, yet impossibly seductive way, as he veers off his path to come greet me by the wall I’ve been leaning up against for the past hour and a half. “This is a lot better than the evening I had in mind.” His soft smile spreads throughout his entire face, lighting up his eyes, and I let it warm me, basking in it for the last time.
I kick off the wall just as he nears me, allowing myself to get wrapped up in a hug by him one more time. The peace, the comfort in this man’s arms has been an absolute treat these past months. I’m not lying to myself, or to you, when I say I’m going to miss him. But I know he is worth more than I can give him, when so much of me belongs to someone else.
I can feel him pressing his cheek to the top of my head, gripping me a little tighter, and I already know he knows why I’m here.
“How was your day?” I mumble against his chest, because fuck if I know how to start this conversation.
He pulls back from me, rubbing my back as he does so, and tucks me into his side with one arm as we make our way to the front door. Spencer tells me all about the seventeen realistic zombie body parts he had to make today for the extras on theseason that’s about to kick off filming—it was a pretty slow day—as he unlocks the main door and guides me through the lobby, to the elevator, and all the way into his place.
“You’re not here to ask me about props, are you?” he asks me with a sad little half smile, once we’re through his door and standing in the small living room.
I shake my head rapidly, letting my gaze fall to the ground, before getting the guts to meet him in the eyes again.
He swallows heavily and bounces his head a few times, accepting what’s coming.He’s so fucking mature.Aaron would never react like this. Exhibit A: that time I quit as his assistant. Or even his reaction to me last night. Then again, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please examine Exhibit B: every other breakup he’s ever had. He was never a dick to those gals. I’m starting to think it’s justmehe can’t let go of. And I think he’s seeing that too. This little gurgle of hope flies up through my stomach at the thought, straight up into my gullet; it feels like a few butterflies got loose in there, and it strengthens me, reminds me what I’m here for, what’s waiting for me on the other side.
I follow his lead, taking a seat on the small, slightly worn, navy sofa and face him. One of my Toms-clad feet is tucked under the other knee, and I try like hell not to jiggle it out of nervousness.
He stares, politely waiting for me to talk, and I realize, for the hundred and forty-third time today, there’s no easy way to start this, so I just let it come out.
“I’m sorry.” My fingers fiddle with the drawstring on my zip-up hoodie, and I force myself to look in him the eyes again.
The sadness there, the understanding in those clear, deep green beauties, it makes me want to stop talking before I’ve even said anything.
“You deserve better than I’ve given you,” I tell him. I’ve never broken up with someone before, and while I could truthfully tellhim it’s not him, it’s me, I promised myself I’d be honest with him, so here goes.
“I haven’t been super fair to you, Spence.” The question is in his eyes, but his lips stay sealed. “I, uh…” My fingers play with that drawstring a little more frantically as I struggle for the words. “I’ve kinda, sorta always had a thing for Aaron.” My eyes shoot back up to his, terrified of what they’ll find there. Judgment? Cruelty? Mockery? But of course it’s just more understanding that shines back at me, and I think that’s even worse.
“I tried to move on. I thought I was ready to give up on a future with him. It…” I swallow, more of a gulp, really, as I take a second to buck up and force myself to say the words. “It wasn’t fair to you, to put you in that position. I…He’s been my world since we were twelve. I’m not ready to give up on that.”
My eyes dart around the room before landing back on his, where they still just watch me, absorbing everything I’m saying, everything I’m not.
“You’re great,” I start, before realizing how trite that sounds. “No,” I shake my head fervently, adamantly. “Like, really, really fucking great, Spence. You’re amazing, actually. Zero complaints. Ten out of ten, would date again,” I try to lighten the mood. He rewards me with a little smile, and I’m thankful for it. “It’s just…you deserve someone who can give you all of herself. Who appreciates everything you have to offer. Who isn’t hung up on someone else. And I’m really,reallysorry to say, that’s not me.”
