Good listeners are so underrated. Too many people want to jump in when you try to talk to them, tell you what to think, or worse, what happened to them one time, rather than just give you the catharsis of a willing ear. Only two women in my life have given me that gift; my mom is the first of them, and remains the OG of word vomit therapy.
When I finally finish confessing my sins, my failed attempt at seducing Gemma last night in her hallway, my momfinallyreacts to my tales. “Wow, sugar.” Those words are stretched out, every syllable full of incredulity. Her eyebrows shoot up as she stretches out, those thin arms of hers pushing her upper body backward off of her knees, and she flumps back in her chair. “Thatisa doozy.”
When she remains silent, I damn near explode at her, my arms waving wildly, a look ofno fucking shitall over my face. “I fucking KNOW, Mom! You’re supposed to help me, here! Isn’t that what momsdo?”
“I’m going to help you, but you fucked this up good on your own.”
I start to make a rather immature, frustrated groan, and one look from her cuts it off in its tracks.
“So what of Kayla?” she asks. I hadn’t thought to mention her in my hour of ramblings, it was all focused on Gem, what happened between us at work, her fucking boyfriend, the mess I’ve made of everything. But I’m realizing why it didn’t work out with Kayla the first time. Or this time. She isn’ther. She isn’t it for me.
“I ended it.” I don’t tell her it was through a three-word text, but I suspect she knows.
“Hmm.” The knowing harrumph doesn’t bother me like it would from anyone else. The fact that my mom knows me this well isn’t a source of rankling, it’s comforting to me.
“And Gemma?”
A silent gulp comes from deep within my throat, the echo sounding throughout my entire body. “I don’t know.” The words are whispered so quietly, I can only hope she heard me.
“You haven’t talked to her since last night?”
“No, I haven’t texted, haven’t visited, she’s probably fucking blocked me and changed her locks by now.” My head falls into my hands and I slump forward in my chair, only half for dramatic effect.
“Well she’s stuck around you for this long. Probably hasn’t kicked you out over one weekend.” A much-needed breath rushes into my lungs as they open marginally at her reassurance. “But you were a damn tool, Aaron. And it sounds like you’vealready had some realizations on your own. That’s a good start. Now I’m going to get you to have some more of ’em.”
I nod my head, still held in my hands, not peeking up at her, but giving her the go ahead to start ripping into me and giving me a few new assholes. It can’t be worse than what Alex already did to me, right?
“What would your life be like without that girl?”
A shudder runs through me at the insinuation, the implication she’s already gone for good. I’ve had a taste of her absence, what my life looks like without her constant presence, and I don’t like it. I don’t like mylifewithout her. Sure, there’s satisfaction on the job, I still get a rush when a new episode or movie comes out, but I’ve always shared those accomplishments withher. What would it mean to have those successes without her to share them with? I shake my head in my hands, rapidly, the thoughts too much to consider.
“Tell me, baby. What would your life be like without her in it?”
I sit back up, sighing heavily, knowing she’s not going to let me get away without answering this. Whatever mom voodoo she’s working, she has a path for me, she’s just feeding me breadcrumbs so I walk down it. Blindly, on nothing but faith, I follow where she leads.
“Well. Mornings aren’t the same without her there, our breakfast routine and all that. I’ve had four assistants since she left, they all suck.” I pause for a second, thinking it through. “It’s not like Iexpectedto befriend my new assistant, like they would replace all the aspects of the relationship I had with Gem, but work isn’t reallyfunanymore without her there. She was such a big part of what kept me on track, what made me good at my job. She always grounded me, like she was the foundation of everything else, ya know?”
My mom shakes her head encouragingly, her eyes searching mine for the recognition she’s waiting for, and I continue.
“Anyway, things were okay with my girlfriend, until I realized it was Gemma I wanted. I mean, it wasn’t perfect, ya know, but who is?” I realize my mistake as I voice the words. It’s too bad I didn’t realize I had something perfect next to me the entire time—don’t think about it—and hurry on, rushing past them. “I could probably try to date someone else again, eventually, I dunno, maybe not.”
I squint my eyes, struggling to envision it for myself. Me with some other girl. Maybe Vanessa, that hottie I’d DMed a couple years back but our schedules never allowed for us to connect in person. Nothing. Not so much as a spark within my stomach as I picture it. If I were pressed to describe the sensation in my torso right now, I might say revulsion, actually.
“On second thought, I don’t know that I could move on, start dating someone else.”
My mom nods again, like she fucking knew that already.Then why did you ask?The salty voice in my head needs to chill, I’m the one that came to her for help, not the other way around. I keep trying her little exercise out, describing more of this barren life to her.
“I don’t really have any other close friends, but I’ve never really wanted any others, either. I’d have you guys, at least. So there’s that.”
“Gee, thanks.” Her dry tone and eye roll bring a smirk to my face. She knows what I meant.
“So basically, I’d be a mid-twenties loser, with nothing and no one but his career as a famous actor, his money and his mom.” I flash a cheesy grin, a fake one, that feels as hollow as I’m sure it looks.
My mom just raises her brows at me, waiting to see if that’s all.
“Fuck, that’s depressing, Mom. What part of that was supposed to help me, exactly?”
“We aren’t done yet,” is her only response.
