Gemma’s eyes widen and her jaw nearly unhinges, the disbelief etched across her entire face. I hold up my hands to stave her off, knowing she’s seconds from exploding on me. She never used to do that before, but she’s obviously acquired some new skills in the last few months.
“You went way too fucking far last night,” she seethes.
I have no need for any new holes in my body, so I speak up before she can start in on me any more.
“I know, I know, I know. I’m sorry, Gem. I am. I didn’t mean to cause you any pain. I couldn’t handle you ignoring me.”
“Ignoring you?” Her voice is nearly a screech. “I wasn’t fuckingignoringyou, Stone. You were feeling me up while we were both on a fucking date.” Her eyes flash and flame at me, and I try to defend myself, despite not deserving it.
“I went a little crazy. Please, just bear with me.” My hands drop from the space between us, one of them coming to rub down the front of my face, chasing the fog, the lingering exhaustion away. “I haven’t been…myself lately.” Her eyebrows shoot even higher into her hairline. “Clearly,” I expound. “And you don’t deserve the shit I’ve said to you and put you through this year.”
I clear my throat softly, lowering my voice to share something with her that I’m not proud of, but has become increasingly more real to me in recent weeks and days.
“I don’t like who I am without you, Gem.”
Her eyes soften before darting around the porch, over to the street, then back to mine. Her compassion for me has never faltered over the years, even when I haven’t deserved it. I love her for it.
“I’m working on myself. I promise. But I need something from you in the meantime.”
She scoffs, eyes hardening on my gaze again. “That’s rich.” The scorn in her voice is new, too.
I reach out to take her hands in mine, and run my thumb across the back of one of her hands.So fucking soft. It makes me wonder how soft other parts of her body are. She shudders, and I see goosebumps spread across her arms. I wonder if she had the same thought, of how my hands would feel elsewhere on her, or if that’s just more wishful thinking on my part.
“I need you to not shut me out while I do.” The words are nearly whispered, and she’s leaning in, like she wants to catch each and every one before it leaves the little bubble we’re in.
Her eyes shut and she squeezes them closed for just a minute before she pulls her hands back from mine, teetering backward, then opening her eyes and catching herself before she could lose her balance entirely.
When she speaks, it’s so soft I can hardly hear it, but the words slice me as if they’d been screamed in my face.
“You hurt me.”
I drop my head in embarrassment, staring at the weathered gray concrete stoop below our feet, hers in little boots, mine in the same black Vans (slip-ons, not Old Skools) from last night. The ones that covered my feet when they demanded her attention, pulled it away from him and onto me. Like the ultimate prick that I apparently am.
“I—I’m sorry.” It’s all I can tell her right now. I know I have some shit to work out. Some things to make up for. But Iamsorry for that.
“It’s not enough, kid.”
The sadness in her tone will haunt me until I make things right between us again, if I ever can with all the invisible lines I crossed. Maybe even beyond that.
My head nods in understanding, agreement, acquiescence.
“I know it’s not an excuse, Gem, believe me, I know. But I’ve been going crazy these past few months. It’s not right, this space between us. I’m notmewithout you. Please don’t shut me out. I’ll work on me, I’ll do whatever you want to make it up to you. I just…I need you, Gem. I want things back to how they used to be. Please. Let me try. Let’s rewind. Go back to a few months ago. Please.”
She bites on that lower lip, chewing on it as she thinks, leaving her top lip—so fucking pillowy—out for me to stare at as she does. She’s crossed one leg in front of the other and she’s shifting back and forth, nervously. I realize it’s saying yes, giving in to me, that she’s nervous about.
My hand reaches out to clasp her cheek and slides to the back of her head, forcing her eyes to meet mine again. “I won’t hurt you again,” I tell her sincerely. “I just can’t do this shit without you. I mean it.”
I can’t help it when my fingertips clench just a little, curling in, massaging her scalp beneath my touch and soaking in the feel of her hair underneath my hand, the way her face feels, held in my grip. All I can chalk it up to is feelingright.
What the fuck is that supposed to even mean? That is not helpful, brain.
She closes her eyes briefly, like she’s steeling herself, drawing on some hidden reserve of bravery for what comes next. When she opens them again, they’re a molten shade I’ve never seen before, so soft, so warm, so inviting. Pockets of gold, hidden in the depths of soft brown. Possibly my new favorite color.
“I need some time,” is what she whispers.
I drop my hand, relieved, nodding my head frantically in acceptance of her terms.
“I can do that.” Damn, I sound eager.
