I make a noise of disbelief, maybe a scoff, maybe utter rejection of every single feeling I’ve ever held for this man.
“And you copping a feel under the tableisright?”
He spins around on his heel, throwing both of his hands up in the air in frustration.
“Fuck, Gem! I don’t know, okay! I just couldn’t take seeing him all over you.”
I am such an IDIOT.He has no plans, no idea what he’s doing, no endgame in sight. Just pitching a fit. Losing his damn mind because someone else is playing with the toy he cast aside and making it look like fun.
I press the heels of my palms into my eyes firmly, trying to push hard enough to smush my brain, splatter it against the wall behind me. It would be a fair punishment for my stupidity, the hurt I almost caused Spencer. Overnothing. All for nothing. Just like what’s always been between us.
This pained growl of frustration, of apathy, of self-loathing leaves my throat, and I hear my heart breaking with the sound, the last of my hopes shattering along with it.
“I am so STUPID!” My head slams into the wall behind me on every word, my voice breaking with the realization. The last of the words comes out as a shout, and I don’t even care who hears us or comes looking from the commotion.
The deep breaths come faster now, practically hyperventilating as I reconcile myself with every fleeting thought I had in the last fifteen minutes, every explanation for what just happened in that booth; every way I could’ve shut him down at the table plays on a loop behind my eyes, and hot tears of shame threaten to spill over. Every remaining bit of mental fortitude I have is now focused onnotcrying over this man. Not in front of him, and hopefully not ever again.
“You’re not stupid,” he reassures me softly, looking on with this pained expression like he’s hurting for me.
“Oh, I am. I’msofucking stupid.” A strangled laugh, one with zero humor in it, sounds at the realization. My left eye threatens to spill one of those tears I’m fighting so fucking hard. I struggle to keep them at bay so I can deliver the words that need to be said.
“I believed you’d made real change. Is this what you working on yourself looks like, Aaron?” A wry, mocking smile appears on my face, my eyes squinting at him in condemnation. “Sabotaging my relationship now that I finally have one worth protecting?”
His face falls at the accusation, the reminder of the promise he made me last weekend standing in my kitchen, and it reminds me how much more work he has to go before he evicts this imposter who’s taken over my best friend’s body lately and comes to terms with his essential self.
This jealous, toxic, vile asshole he’s been lately has no place with me. Not even if the real him is waiting for me at the otherend of the yellow brick road. Nothing is worth this torment he’s putting me through, this hot and cold, then back to scalding hot.
It’s worse than purgatory, waiting for him to figure out how he feels, what he wants, to come to terms with it for himself and make a fucking decision. And it’s not fair to any of us. Not what he’s doing to me, to Spencer, to Kayla. No one on the board wins this game. And none of us deserves to be played like this.
I’ve never felt so stupid in my entire life, but it’s so fucking clear now.
He’s nothing but a spoiled kid who is throwing a tantrum because someone else wants to have fun withhisplaything. One he doesn’t evenwant.
“Stop being a selfish prick of an asshole, Aaron. I don’t know who the fuck you’ve been lately, but if you can’t be happy for me in my relationship, now that I finally have a healthy one, then I might not have a place for you in my new life.”
“That’s not—” he protests, but I’m not having it.
“It’s not what? Fair?” I scoff in his face, venom seeping from my pores. “You don't want me, but you don't want anyone else to have me, either, right? That’s what’s fair?” His mouth opens and closes a few times, like he’s urging words to come out of it, but no sound emerges. I barge on. “You know, just because you don't see my worth as a partner doesn't mean no one else will. And a real friend would want me to be happy, not try to ruin my chances at it.”
I shake my head in disgust, holding my hands up, away from him, like his toxic bullshit is contagious and I don’t want to risk touching it.
I’m not even sure the Aaron I know is still in there, I don’t know if I recognize even a fraction of the kid in front of me.
But I do know there’s a really fucking great guy waiting for me back at the table. One who doesn’t deserve to have my feelings for him cast into doubt.
Only one of the men in my life doesn’t havemybest interests at heart.
So I walk away from him.
Back to the only man I can see a future with.
The one who deserves so much more than what my heart has given him tonight.
For my own sanity, I need to be done with Aaron and whatever bullshit he’s going through. If I knewhowto do that, that might help.
As I storm off, I try not to recall the look on Aaron’s face as I do so. Like he’s finally realized what he’s losing. Like he’s made the biggest mistake of his life. And like he’d do anything to fix it.
TWENTY-ONE
