As I pace the neutral, monochromatic hotel room that has become my sanctuary these past weeks, my mind races with possible solutions, wishing I had someone to talk it out with.
Maybe I just need to hire someone who focuses on my home and daily life, and another who helps with work-related jobs?
But you already had someone who could handle it all themselves…
That voice in my head taunts me, reminds me of my biggest mistake.
My harsh words to Gemma haunt me daily, especially every time I’m faced with the fact that anyone else I’ve hired since her hasn’t been half as competent at her job as she was, regardless of their previous experience or the recommendations they came with from others in the industry I trust.
Did I really tell her she wasn’t doing her job?A grimace of shame washes over my features and I let my head hang and shake it to try to chase the embarrassment away.
Even worse is I don’t think that’s the nastiest thing I said.
I must’ve blacked out that day, or maybe it’s just too painful of a memory and my mind has done me the solid of shrouding it from my own view. I can’t even remember two-thirds of what I told her.
For as much as I miss having her in my corner as my assistant, the one helping me keep every area of my life on track, making my existence feel more like a game than a chore, I miss her five times as much as my friend. I lost track of how many times a day I turn to share something with her, or my thumb absently pulls up our message chain, ready to text her something I saw, or remembered, that she would appreciate.
There were a few weeks of downtime in betweenMidnight Empirewrapping for the season and leaving for Romania, and I spent most of that with Kayla. Of course it was great, but it only drove home the differences between the women in my life. As much fun as I have with Kayla, there are things that I’ve learnedaren’tfor sharing with her. Turns out her humor isn’t quite the same as mine, and she gets offended at things Gem never did. I’ve never had to filter myself around the girl I spent all my time with before, but then again, I never had this kind of intimate relationship with said girl, either, and maybe that’s the difference?
Alex’s ass-reaming still plays on repeat in my head most days, and I haven’t quite figured out what to do with the new perspective I feel blooming on the horizon after our talk. Some of those realizations are still settling, taking root within me, not fully developed yet, though I feel them trying like hell to get me to see something, it’s just not clear what that is. In the meantime, I have been focusing on getting Gemma to let me back in, however I can, because that’s one thing I have come to grips with. The lack of her presence in my life isnota good thing.
The tiniest ray of hope fills my chest with warmth when I check the views on my Instagram stories and see that she watched not just one, but all of the stories I posted today. Pretty sure this makes it a couple weeks in a row that I’ve scrolled through the ridiculous number of profiles Instagram told me have viewed my story until I found her name among them.
Interesting.
Despite the fact that she hasn’t answered a single of my texts since that day, she clearly doesn’t wantnothingto do with me, or she wouldn’t be keeping an eye on me.
My stories have been getting more and more geared for her viewing pleasure. Once I knew I had her as an audience, I started taking more and more pictures that might mean something toher. Call-outs to moments we’ve shared, inside jokes, hints to things from our past. At first, it was things I came across I was snapping pics of for her. Then, it became seeking them out, and even staging pictures for her. It’s my only way to get through to her right now, and I’m not wasting it.
I need her to know I don’t want her out of my life.
I know I fucked up those last couple months before she quit, but surely I deserve another chance at being her friend? Please tell me I have enough of the positive banked with her that my string of impatience won’t wash out theyearsof good? Or did I cross the line, hop right over the border into the land of no return with a few stupid words?
With a heavy sigh, I fall backward onto the soft bed in my temporary home away from home, being nearly swallowed by the lush bedding. Fluffing and propping a pillow under my head for a better angle, my thumb flicks open my camera roll, pulling up the collection of memes I saved to my phone on tonight’s cull from Instagram. The desire to send a few to Gem is strong, but I’m not convinced she’s receptive to normal texts from me yet.
Instead, I decide to do a FaceTime with Kayla and screen share them with her, hoping this is a safe enough haul that she’ll appreciate them with me before we get into our usual video call activities.
Lucky for me, she giggled at almost all of them (excluding the one or two I scrolled by too fast for her to take notice of), and the hunter-gatherer impulse in my DNA was satiated by not only scavenging but sharing the ripe memes of the day with my chosen mate.
It’s just before I go to turn off the screen sharing function when my calendar notification pops up. The label is nothing but a shark emoji and “tomorrow at 9:00 AM”; it happens every month at nine PM the night before I need to be prepared. Shark week starts tomorrow, AKA bring almond croissants to sate thebeast, and be ready for a feistier than usual Gem. Sadly for me, Kayla didn’t miss that pop-up.
That’s what I get for not putting my phone on DND before sharing my screen.
“What isthatsupposed to be?” Kayla’s voice tells me she isn’t sure whether to laugh or suspect me of something. “Are you going swimming with sharks in the Dead Sea?”
She knows I’m particularly looking forward to the final days of the shoot, once we’re done with all the castle sequences, when we’ll be on the shores of the Black Sea, filming some shots of my character doing a metaphorical cleanse in the waters there. Personally, I just think it’s gonna be absolutely gorgeous based off of my own Google searches and the storyboards I’ve been shown. But that’s not tomorrow, and there definitely aren’t sharks in those waters.
“No, baby, I don’t get to go to the Black Sea until late next week.” Hopefully she accepts my brushing it off, and I work quickly to distract her onto the next topic. Discussing Gem with her has made me uncomfortable since our falling out, but particularly since that talk with Alex. Plus, I really can’t see my girlfriend thinking a shark week notification in my phone’s calendar—about another woman at that—is particularly endearing. “So how was your day? Did that brand accept your new terms?”
Not to make myself sound like more of an asshole, but that should keep her going for a while.
Don’t get me wrong—I care about her and her life, I’m not justactinglike a good boyfriend. I just don’t want to risk upsetting her when I’m halfway around the world and unable to hold her close and make things right if needed.
Dating in the industry has never been easy, but I’m lucky enough to be based in Atlanta (a.k.a. the Hollywood of the South) most of the year, which helps. When I travel for shoots?It makes me admire the fuck out of any actors—or crew for that matter—who have made long-distance relationships work. No way I could pull this off on a regular basis.
Kayla tells me all about her latest sponsorship—it’s one she’s proud of—and when she’s done, we make the most of the FaceTime. The time change has been weird for her, it’s only like two PM on the east coast right now, but I have early call times this entire month, which means I’m almost always unavailable during her night time. I do my best to wear her out from five thousand miles away, and I’m pretty sure we’re both falling asleep with a smile on our faces tonight.
I wakeup with a smile on my face too, realizing what today is, why my alarm was set an extra forty-five minutes early. It gives me the added boost to all but jump out of bed this morning. The faintest hints of impending sunlight filter in through the nearly translucent window coverings, giving a minor glow to the darkened space. Putting my feet on the cool, tiled floor, I stand and make quick work of my morning routine, showering, shaving, shitting and brushing my teeth in less than ten minutes. Once I’m dressed, I walk to the nearby cafe that I picked out on Google last night. One that has exactly what I’m looking for.
