In seconds, I see a slideshow of our years together, all the moments that made each of those up. The hue on those memories changes, taking them from grayscale to something softer, rosier. I see the love for me that all of Gem’s actions were rooted in for all these years. The care in everything she did for me—from keeping tabloids out of my sight, to helping me stand up and negotiate better contracts for myself, her pep talks, even the way she made our breakfast, or binged shows with me when she knew I needed a break. No one else has ever fought for me day in and day out like she has.
She never treated me like a job, and she was better to me than any friend I’ve ever had. Gemma treated my happiness, my wellbeing, as a higher priority than her own. Alex’s words are forcing me to see that at the end of every single day, Gem is the reason my life was as good as it was.
The drop in my stomach is instantaneous. The paradigm shift almost knocks me back physically, and when I stagger, it takes effort to catch myself before I lose my balance.
There’s some inescapable truth in what Alex is telling me that a part of me recognizes, despite my denial, my shouts of protest. Maybe her actions were based in something more, something deeper than friendship. Something that I crushed in her, in just a handful of moments. That acceptance cools some part of the fire in my gut, the understanding replacing a small portion of the desolation I’ve felt since our falling out.
“She doesn’t—she’s not…” my words falter as I struggle to put any of my thoughts together. “I’ve never seen her like that, I swear it. And—and she’s not into me anymore, right?”
It’s everything I’ve ever feared for us. That harmless crush she harbored for so long turning into something more, and it ruining what we’ve had. I worked so hard over the years to keep that distance in our romantic lives, to make sure no lines were ever crossed between us.
But I can’t unsee that what we hadwasdifferent from a normal friendship. It was…something more. What exactly it was, I don’t know. But I can see now that it was everything. To both of us.
The rub of it all is what we had got ruined anyway, and it had nothing to do with any leftover, lingering feelings. It had to do with growing up, growing closer to new partners, and growing apart.
Alex lets out a strangled yell of frustration that breaks me from my concentration.
“You’re lucky there’s only one more week left of production this season. I might get us both thrown off set if I have to deal with you any longer than that.” Her nostrils visibly flare as she takes a deep breath before continuing. “If I were you, and thank the gods I’m not, I’d spend the summer break learning whatlifeis about. I’ll give you a hint: it’s the people you love who make it worth living.”
That slideshow keeps ticking away inside my mind—running like B roll as Alex talks—all the best moments of my life on display, all of them shared withher.
“Learn how to be a decent fucking friend, coworker, boss, human being.”
Those words from Alex cut especially deep. An asshole isn’t something I’ve been called very often, but I’m starting to see that maybe I haven’t handled these past couple months as well as I should’ve.
That hole in my stomach doubles in size, the burn intensifying as I struggle to reconcile everything she is saying with everything I’ve held to be true all these years. She doesn’t let up though, doesn’t give me a chance to absorb it all.
“Maybe think about how fucking awful this place would be if everyone pulled that kinda shit you did a few weeks ago.” An honest-to-God grimace breaks out on my face as I recall my harsh words to Gem, the look on her face as she accepted that it meant the end of what had worked so well for so long. Alex’s voice snaps me back yet again.
“And fuckingfix itif you want her back. Stop taking her for granted. Maybe show her the kind of support she’s shown you. Behappyshe’s found someone who sees the best in her and makes her happy in return. In short? Grow the fuck up.”
She may as well have physically kicked me in the balls, the blow and those insinuations hurting at least as bad as that time Gemma accidentally kneed me in the nuts at a sleepover when we were thirteen.
The overwhelming sensation of feelinglostis all I can focus on, grappling for anything familiar in my life, inside myself. Alex must see it on my face, in my posture, because I feel some compassion radiate from her with her final words to me.
“And before you ask, if you actually pull your head out of your ass and are willing to put the work in, yes, I will help you make things right again. But right now? Get thefuckout of my office.”
Scratch what I said about that compassion.
FIFTEEN
GEMMA
Locking the front door behind me, I triple check that it’s really locked before I dare to walk away. On my way to my dark blue Corolla, I decide to double back and make sure the emergency exit is still locked as well. Not sure how it would’ve gottenunlocked since the two times I checked it before leaving the building, but better safe than sorry, right?
It’s normally my boss’s job to lock this place up at night, but she had an emergency with one of her kids and had to bolt, and trusted me to do it. I’m not gonna fuck this up already. I like my new life, finding solace in my job duties, and forming a routine in my new existence that brings me a surprising amount of peace.
A few weeks back, I took a job as a personal assistant for the owner of a niche computer programming firm outside of Atlanta. I thought it would be cool to work for a female CEO, especially one in STEM, and as the catchall title ofassistantis really all my resume holds, it’s about all I qualified for on paper. Without a college degree, there wasn’t a lot I could even apply for on that job site, despite what I’m actually capable of in real life.
Yeah, my job has had me oversee alotof different responsibilities, and therefore pick up a large number of hard-to-quantify skills over the years. But how do you translate things like:
- Run a household (ismansionhold a word?)
- Answer upward of three hundred texts or emails a day
- Be in six places at once/part-time magician
- Schedule wrangler
