Gah! Now I’m thinking abouthimagain. Stop, Gemma!I distract myself by vaguely considering whether or not I have what it takes to be a cashier at Publix, and by the time I’m rung up and out the door, I’ve decided Idefinitelydon’t have enoughlove for the human race in me to work there. Even the baggers are bonkers friendly, there’s no way I could pull that off.
Ah well. The search for my life’s purpose continues.
Maybe I should check if Trader Joe’s is hiring? That’s more my kind of friendly. And I could totally pull off a Hawaiian shirt.
At least one good thing about being temporarily jobless is that I’ve been able to spend alotmore time with Spencer since quitting. And surprisingly, that’s going amazingly well. His work for the season is already done, he wrapped at the beginning of the month, so he’s on his summer break before he has to start getting next season’s props ready, so we’ve been spending a lot of our days (and nights) together.
Even though we haven’t even been together two months yet, this is already the most sophisticated and serious relationship I’ve ever had, and a smile brushes my mouth when my mind drifts to him. It’s like my thoughts conjured him, or at least a text from him.
Spence ??
You got the goods?
Me
Yep. Be there in twenty. ??
??
A full-on grin breaks out on my face at that, and I’m glad that I’m able to find a bit of joy despite the soul-deep ache I can’t escape. The first time Spencer sent me an otter emoji, I couldn’t figure it out, and I asked him why. His response was so completely adorable, it led to our first kiss. Unexpectedly, that kiss was initiated by me. I’ve never been that ballsy with a guy before, but there’s no pressure with Spencer. He’s laid back and chill, he makes me feel comfortable, and for the first time, I feelgenuinely appreciated for just being me. Scrawny limbs, nerdy humor and all.
In short, he said otters are cute, playful and also feisty with some claws, and when he went to send me an emoji, it’s the only one that felt right. He even ended up putting it in my contact name in his phone. Maybe it sounds dorky, but I promise it was adorable.
I haven’t dated someone like Spencer before. He’s unapologetically himself. Sweet, thoughtful, not ashamed of his love for all things nerdy, really good at his job—he’s found his calling in life and is killing it—and he’s somehow sexy as hell on top of all that. He’s also the, um, largest guy I’ve ever been with. Not that there’s been many of those to compare him to, but still. A girl knows some things.
All in all, our time together has been a really welcome change for me. I’m looking forward to the rest of the afternoon and evening together, hopefully full of nothing but laughter, wholesome fun, and maybe, just maybe, a couple of orgasms. Who knows? Maybe my life’s purpose will even strike me upside the head while we’re playing a board game or something?
I’ll have you know, I do really well at keeping Aaron out of my mind during our day together. I’m proud of myself. All the way until late at night, when my legs begin to shake from what Spencer is doing to me from above, and all of a sudden, it’s not the man in front of me I’m seeing, but the same tanzanite eyes that have haunted every moment of pleasure I’ve ever had. The only face I’ve ever seen when I come, ever since puberty.
That of a man who will never love me back, and who doesn’t even deserve my devotion, but my heart gives me no choice in the matter. And as I’m wracked with pleasure, I’m also wracked with guilt, for the wonderful man above me who deserves more from me.
That’s been the curse of my life: unrequited love. I won’t do it to someone else. If I can’t shut down my feelings for Aaron, I’ll force myself to shut things down with Spencer.
I vow to try harder.
FOURTEEN
AARON
“Damn, bro!”
“Ay-oh, did you know that’s what was hiding under all that baggy shit?”
The voices of a few crew members break through my concentration on the script, where I’ve been struggling to perfect my lines in this upcoming scene which I’m just not nailing. You’d be hard-pressed to get me to admit it, but I’m not doing so great with my lines and scenes since myassistantquit on me. The new one doesn’t have the same knack for helping me memorize and getting me into character. Maybe it’ll come with time. I had Gem helping me for, what, like, five years? It’ll probably just take a while for this new person and me to get into the same groove. A mental self-five is in order for that kind of optimism. I probably deserve an even bigger treat?—
“Ay ay ayyyy!” The lewd howl interrupts my train of thought.
“I heard hemadeher dress like that to keep this shit covered!”
“Well it’s no wonder he kept her around for so long, dude! I mean, look at those tits, I could suck on those all night. Mmm!” That noise of satisfaction at the end might’ve been the grossestthing I’ve heard in a long time, and that’s saying something. My last trip to LA was… I shudder at the memory.
When I look over in irritation to glare the guys into silence—some of us are trying to work here—I find that two of the three are already looking at me, the third firmly focused on the phone in one of their hands, and my hackles raise in suspicion.
“No, but, for real. I’d tap that into next week!” The most obnoxious one, the one who hasn’t noticed the imminent death threat, still has his eyes glued to the phone, the knuckle of his first finger between his teeth, biting down on it like he’s in pain—or he really, really likes what he’s looking at—andstillhe won’t shut his stupid mouth. Now Ihaveto know what they’re looking at.
The problem is, I think I already know. Two guilty looks are confirmation enough, but when the third looks up and his hand straight up drops from his mouth down to his side, that’s what really gives it away. His eyes are brown and deep, just like the shit he’s in if he’s looking at what I suspect he’s looking at.
One quick glance tells me the director is still preoccupied, nowhere near ready to resume the shot, so I make my way over to the trio of soon-to-be dead men and watch as three Adam's apples bob at my approach.
