“Let it out, Di. Whatever the fuck you’re still holding onto. Let. It. Out. For the love of Christ, we need to move past this point or we’ll never make it.”
“I tried, Chance. I tried to get past it.” Her voice wobbles, eyes glazing. “But I just can’t.”
My favorite eyes in the world are sparkling with unshed tears, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out what I’ve done to upset her this badly.
I thought we’d been making progress. I thought we’d been working toward how things used to be. She’s never gone through something like this, where she’s gone months without wanting sex, without wantingme.
Especially not with the change in her hormones and her, shall we call it her increaseddriveas she’s gotten older. Her second pregnancy really tanked her sex drive, but each one after that it just got bolder and bolder, and I’m pretty sure the older she gets, the more she wants it. If I’m lucky, I’m in for a seriously good time in my forties with this one. But right now, I’m not sure I’m going to get that chance.
I reach out to cup her face, trying to will her to tell me whatever it is that’s ruining her, ruining us. Whatever it is, we can work through it. But not unless she tells me.
I stroke her soft cheek with my rough thumb and just keep staring into her eyes, letting her finish voicing her thoughts when she’s ready.
After another moment, she closes her eyes and takes a deep inhale, and the truth comes out. “I can’t fuck you when I know it’s not me you really want.”
But that’s not the truth at all, what the fuck?
I’m sure the shock is all over my face. I can feel my brows draw together in confusion and rejection of her words.
My response is immediate, and she has to be able to feel my sincerity when I say, “There’s never been anyone else for me, not since the first time we met.”
She shakes her head, pulling back from me physically and mentally, and actually scoffs. I feel her barriers going up again, and I try to push past them before it’s too late.
“Di—" I start, but I’m cut off by an actual scream from her.
“I FUCKING SAW YOU!”
My mouth parts in surprise, my eyes darting between hers, looking for a clue. Looking for whatever she thinks she saw that has caused this chasm between us that my strongest efforts haven’t been able to bridge. To bring us close together again, back on the same side, on the same team at taking on life, rather than opposition.
“You saw mewhat, baby?” I try to rack my brain for any time she might have seen me talking to a girl at work, or maybe one day when we were out, and read into it as more than it was, but I come up with nothing.
I honestly haven’t been attracted to anyone but her since we got together. How could I? She was everything I never knew I was missing. I’d never seen anyone as hot as her in my life. I thanked my lucky stars every damn day for months that she gave me a chance.
And when she agreed to marry me? To bring my children into this world? I was ruined. Forever. There could never be anyone else for me.
But I’ve missed her so fucking much. I miss the heat that used to burn between us. The fire that used to be in her eyes when she’d look at me. It’s been replaced with self-doubt, anger, something that looks like betrayal, and I haven’t been able to figure out why.
Every time I thought I was getting closer to breaking through to her these last weeks, where I’d start to see that old her come back to me, I could almost see the shutters go up again as her brain fought just as hard as I did to regain her attention.
No matter how hard I pushed to get through those mental barriers, she just kept putting them up, stronger and stronger, keeping me from getting to all of her.
Whatever she thinks she saw, it’s obviously what has been fueling her mission to resist fully repairing things between us. I need to find out what she’s been holding onto. I need her to realize that she’s jumped to the wrong conclusion, that she’s it for me, and for the love of Christ, I need her toloveme again like she used to.
I’m not whole without her. I can take anything life throws at me with her by my side. Without her… I’m not half the man I try to be.
I need her back.
I needusback.
She’s pacing the patio, arms wrapped around her middle, hugging herself like she needs comfort.Ishould be the one comforting her. I try to rip off the Band-Aid so we can get back to that place where she’ll let me.
“Tell me what you think you saw. I’ll tell you what happened, or didn’t.”
She stops pacing and meets my eyes again, shaking her head in outright refusal. “I can’t stomach it,” she says quietly, in a tone that causesmystomach to clench.
“Baby, nothing has happened with me and another woman, ever. I don’t know what you think you saw, but if you don’t tell me, I won’t know how to make you believe me.” I can hear the desperation in my own voice, but it actually feels like a knife is cutting through my gut right now that she thinks she saw me with some other chick.
Does she really think that little of me? That I hold such a low value on our family, or such disrespect for her? Even if I was attracted to some random chick, I can’t imagine ever doing anything about it, no matter how bad things may have gotten between Chrissy and me.
