* * *
“I mean,have you ever caught David… ya know?” I make the international symbol for jerking it, sliding my fist up and down in the air for a few pumps discreetly, hoping no other diners at this bougie-ass brunch place are watching. And if they are, that’s on them, that’s what they get for eavesdropping with their eyeballs.
“Well, no,” she hedges, “but I also don’t think David is that into sex.”
I roll my eyes at her, and feel my face turn into the portrait of an exasperated bitch. “He’s a guy, Ellie.”
“I’m aware of that, thanks.” She shoots me a look that puts me in my place. “But I’m pretty sure it’s a myth that all guys are horny twenty-four-seven. I’ve been with him for more than four years and he’sneverreally been very sexual.”
She tears off a chunk of the sweet pastry we’re sharing with her perfectly done nails and thinks it over as she puts the piece in her mouth and chews thoughtfully. “Not when I’m thinner, not when I’m bigger, not when I’m in the mood, like nothing really seems to affect him very much in that regard. I just think he’s…just not that interested in it, period.”
She looks like she fucking believes it, too. I can’t stop my nose from wrinkling and the distaste from being evident on my overly expressive face. My bestie never had an unabashed ho phase the way I did, but I know she enjoys a good romp as often as she can get it. She’s just always been monogamous about getting the dickings she needed, unlike me who was much less choosy once upon a time. If her man isn’t that interested, that means she probably isn’t getting what she needs from him. And I know her well enough to know that she won’t consider that a good enough reason to end things, even if it might be a valid one in my not-at-all humble opinion. Instead of going there right now, I just say, “Well, that’s fucking depressing.”
She waves an elegant hand at me, somehow making the motion look classy, brushing off my concern. “I mean, he’s got his work, his mind is on business all the time, and I think that’s just more his speed.”
Pretty sure my eyes are as big as a Tamagotchi right now but I try to hold my sass back. “So what, he’s just got a calculator-brain?” Well, I tried.
She laughs softly, eyes looking a little sadder than I’d care to see. “It’s okay, Chrissy. There’s nothing to mourn here. It’s not like we lost something we used to have. We’ve kind of always been more of a…practical couple than a physical one, like you guys are. I mean, I’m jealous of what you and Chance have, it sounds fun from the outside, but I don’t think it’s in the cards for me and David.”
“Well, I’m not sure we have much of to be jealous of these days.”
“Stop, Chrissy, you know that’s not true. You both love each other so damn much.” She makes ahmphsound and shoots me a look. “Back to the…” Her eyes move side to side stealthily, her head remaining in place as they do, and when she deems it safe, she does a tiny, minuscule recreation of the hand motion I’d used. “Have you tried talking to him, telling him what you saw, how it makes you feel?”
I shoot her a look. She knows damn well how I am when I’m in a mood with Chance, and talking about it isn’t high up on my to-do list. I’d sooner burn down the house to let him know I was pissed than use my words. Well, I would’ve before we procreated. I’d like to think I’m alittlemore mature and slightly less impulsive and fiery (literally and figuratively) these days.
Her voice takes a non-aggressive, inoffensive tone. “Well, I’m just saying, it might help to talk it out.”
“And say what? ‘I saw you jerkin’ it to some other chick’? Yeah, that’s gonna go amazing.” My eyes roll on autopilot.
“Okay. I know it doesn’t soundgreat, but without you knowing what was going on in his head, you can’t assume the worst.”
“There is no best-case scenario here, Ellie. He’s hard for some other chick. Getting off to some twenty-year-old instead of my old ass. There’s nothing he can say that would make that better. In fact, him having to say those words out loud would make it so,somuch worse.”
She drums a manicured hand on the table for a few seconds, those fingers tap-tap-tapping in a way that somehow sounds aesthetically pleasing instead of annoying as she mulls it over. Her brows raise, mouth purses, and she asks me her next question. “Have you guys had that kind of talk before? Do you have a no-porn rule in the house or something?”
I roll my eyes again, my default reaction, and blow out a quick, frustrated breath. “No, fuck, no, we’ve never talked about it. But I always thought those days were behind him. I mean, honestly, we were so busy witheach otherfor so long, I don’t think he would’ve had much time for some internet chick in his life. But maybe now that we can never fit time in together…maybe he is filling that void with some fucking e-girl or some shit. Oh God, what if he subscribes to her OnlyFans or something?” My stomach literally turns inside my gut and I think I’m going to be sick at the thought. I push my plate of cinnamon roll French toast back from my edge of the table and lean back to get farther away from it, the smell nauseating me now.
Ellie’s dark blue-gray eyes narrow in concern and she leans closer to me from across the small table. “If it’s upsetting you like this, you really need to talk it out with him, Chrissy. I mean it. It’s not going to get better by not talking about it, or by you giving him the cold shoulder. I’ve never heard of you guys going this long in a ‘disagreement,’ shall we call it.” She watches me with this patented mix of sass and care that only she could pull off without pissing me off, and I make a concerted effort to listen to what she’s saying rather than just straight shoot it down. “It’s not a good direction to take. Things like this don’t fix themselves. Please promise me you’ll try to talk to him. Even if it’s hard.”
I shift my gaze around the restaurant, flicking from sight to sight, trying to soften the impact of her words as they sink into my thick skull. I refuse to let her see the depth of my despair on the subject, or how her take on it is affecting me.
I know the points she’s making are right, she always gives sane advice, but that’s not always what I want to hear.
One thing Ellie and I areverydifferent on is our tendency toward dramatics. I don’t think she understands just how much personal pleasure there can be from making someone feel like absolute shit for wronging you. She always takes the high road, the mature, responsible route, talking things out and seeking neutral ground where everyone can agree on things and fairies abound.
Well, I don’t know about that last bit, but they might as well exist for how likely it is that I’ll fucking have her level of emotional maturity when I’m pissed at my man. I willneverunderstand how she keeps such a level head all the time. It’s a blessing, sure, and it makes me want to stab her eyes out at the same time.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I mutter begrudgingly. “Can we talk about something else now?”
She smiles softly at me, taking a sip of her pink, bubbly mocktail with some small, pretty green stem floating in it (she’squitethe lightweight and rarely indulges in alcohol), and sits back in her seat. “Sure, but after I ask one more thing.”
I sigh dramatically, like she’s really putting me out by listening to me rant and giving me her advice on the matter. “What?”
Ellie waits to continue until our server has checked in on our table and left us alone once again. The soft buzz of lively, late-morning conversation at the tables around us drown out much of our talk, but she keeps her voice respectfully low anyway.
“Say there is no explanation. You caught him and that’s that. It’s exactly what it looked like.” My stomach flops inside my torso. Actually flips over at the thought. She doesn’t notice, and keeps going in her soft, breathy tone.
“Does that change things for you? Is that something you can’t live with, is it something you’re okay with, or are you somewhere in between? Like what does this actually mean in the grand scheme of your marriage, and raising kids with him? Does it make you love him less? Is it a deal-breaker for you? Or something that you think needs to change to have a healthy relationship for the two of you?”
