It is? He was?
“Wanna talk about it?”
I let out another sigh now that I’ve been called out and rub my hands up and down my face quickly in frustration, ignoring the fact it’ll probably ruin whatever is left of my makeup.
This might be the time for me to bring in my own third-party consultant to help me analyze and make the right call here.
Kicking my heels off under my desk, I stand up and pace the carpeted floor behind my desk in my stockinged feet and let a palatable version of this problem out to the man who has guided me and helped me to solve my own problems for the past three decades.
“What are your thoughts on the sunk cost dilemma?”
“You’re not telling me we’re coming in under the forecast on Darling Digital are you?”
I stop pacing to scoff at the suggestion, my fingers laced behind my head as I stare at him until he realizes how stupid—erm, incorrect—of an assumption that was. He lifts his hands in front of his chest in defense and a silent apology for doubting me. He should know better by now, after all. It’s been more thanfive yearsthat I’ve been running Darling. We’venevercome in under forecast. Especially since I poached Chance from the other side and added him to my team.
“Hypothetically speaking. At what point is it illogical to continue pouring time and energy into an investment that isn’t giving you the return you counted on?”
“Well, honey, that’s going to depend on the situation, don’t you think?”
I buckle up mentally for a life lesson.
“If we’re on an upward trajectory and that return is all but guaranteed, and it doesn’t endanger the remainder of the company or investor, I’d stick it out.”
Am I endangered by this period of being stuck in the in-between? Possibly. My sanity, my happiness both seem to be at stake here. Do I have reason to hope we’re on an upward trajectory? That we could even get where I want us to be? I’m not sure I do. Not much evidence points to any of that being likely.
He continues, and I wiggle my nose, purse my lips, paying attention. “But if you have an entity that’s doing just fine on its own and you try to branch out and force something else in the picture that doesn’t quite work with the existing success it already has, and now the whole thing suffers because of that failing venture… Well, that’s when I’d say it’s time to start looking at jumping ship and focusing on what was working just fine on its own.”
My chest cracks, my heart leaks into my stomach, and they both liquify and keep falling farther down.
His words make sense. Of course they do. Logic is always the solution. My dad is the most logical person I know. Letting emotions get in the way of logic has been behind all of my biggest problems in life so far, and I need to keep a clear head about this situation, too.
I put some duct tape on those messy organs inside my gut, tell myself my brain will solve this problem for us, that the hard work is done; you guys aren’t needed anymore.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “That was exactly what I needed to hear.”
His advice hit deeper than I think he meant to, and now I know what the logical thing to do with this failing investment is.
Just because I’ve sunk five years into this relationship, doesn’t mean that continuing to sink more time into it is the answer, despite all the times I’ve chosen that path up until now. And therein lies the trap of the sunk cost dilemma. Sometimes, you really never will get the return on investment you’ve been hoping for, and you have to make a hard decision before you drown chasing something that’ll just never be.
The fear that swamps me at the stark realization of what I need to do might be more properly classified as terror, and I can feel a rare wave of grief coming in close behind it.
I never thought I’d be on my own again, in my thirties, after years of a “successful” relationship, one that’s been drama-free and dependable, with no icebergs on the horizon of our ship.
Images assault my mind’s eye of a future on my own, forever alone. Of David, happy with someone else. Of me, realizing how stupid I was to let something so wonderful go in the hopes of something even better, something that never does come along.
I swallow the panic down and pray that I can hold off the tears until I’m alone. I promised I’d never get emotional at work, and that includes around my boss, even if he is my father.
“You’ll do the right thing, Ellie bee. You always do.” He taps the frame of the door twice on his way out in farewell, and within moments, I hear the front door to the office building close and lock behind him.
And now it’s just me and my fear of the future being even worse than the present, of making the wrong choice and being stuck with the consequences.
Unfortunately, me, myself and I might be my only companions for the rest of my life. I need to get comfortable with the present company, and the emotions that are threatening to overtake her right now. I can’t let them win. Need to keep logic at the helm, have it navigate me all the way to my new home port, safe and sound, and alone.
THIRTEEN
ASHER
When I started dreaming of things I could never have, it hadn’t crossed my mind that one day they might actually be within reach.
